School Jokes

Newest jokes in this category
Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.
She says, “Put that away, Johnny. You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play.”
Johnny whimpers and says, “There’s no one to play with.”
Trying to placate him, she says, “OK. I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?”
He says, “I wanna play Mommie and Daddy.” Trying not to register surprise and a bit confused about what her 10 year old son was learning in school, she decided to appease him, by saying, “Fine, I’ll play. What do I do?”
Johnny says, “You go up to the bedroom and lie down.”
Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs.
Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette вuтт in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.
Really confused, and now even a bit worried, his mother raises her head and says, “What do I do now?”
In a gruff manner, Johnny says, “Get your аrsе downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!
School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Kids Jokes
School Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dad Jokes
I’ve learned that sometimes my ding-ding gets hard and stands up.
Age 6
I’ve learned that рissing in your sister’s shoes gets you belted over the ear from your dad.
Age 9
I’ve learned that weak kids get beaten unmercifully at school.
Age 12
I’ve learnt that getting your hands down a girl’s pants makes you a legend at school.
Age 13
I’ve learnt that girls use their teeth when they suск your diск sometimes.
Age 15
I’ve learnt that getting laid is the primary reason for my existence.
Age 17
I’ve learnt that getting laid is the primary reason for my existence.
Age 21
I’ve learnt that getting laid is the primary reason for my existence.
Age 24
I’ve learnt that getting laid now involves me also being extremely rich.
Age 28
I’ve learnt that women are money-grabbing c*nts, and that you should only fсuк 18 year olds.
Age 35
I’ve learnt that drugs are a totally acceptable way to cope with reality.
Age 37
I’ve learnt that fсuкing 20 year old girls whilst punching them in the back of the head and at the same time drinking a bottle of 1961 Chateau Margeaux is about the most pleasurable thing in the world.
Age 40
I’ve learnt that it doesn’t matter how old and fат you are, and how much you fаrт, drink, and sweat, young girls will still tell you that you are sеxy if you have a sh1t load of cash.
Age 45
I’ve learnt that not having kids was the best fсuкing move ever.
Age 47
I’ve learnt that I have a disdain for other people that rivals the universe in size.
Age 52
I’ve learnt that old people sh*t me, and that young people рiss me off, and that my friends never shut up about their fсuкing kids, when all I want to do is fсuк a little hottie and get drunк.
Age 57
I’ve learnt that modern medicine can cure all my ailments, so I drink and abuse my body as hard as I can, and trust myself to my physician.
Age 62
I’ve learnt that liver, lung and heart transplants aren’t so bad.
Age 67
I’ve learnt that I didn’t fсuк enough girls in my life, despite the fact I fcuked ten times as many as all my lame friends combined. Age 71
I’ve learned that Viаgrа remakes the man, and that money is the sexiest aspect to any man.
Age 74
I’ve learned that Anna Nicole-Smith is not the only double D breasted blonde who will repulse herself with a smile on her face and fсuк a fат old guy when he has been unzipped down the front to replace all his major organs and now resides in a wheelchair in order to get a shot at the inheritance.
Age 81
I’ve learned that рissing yourself in front of young people is kind of enjoyable, and that when you are in your mid-80’s you can say the most hateful, hurtful, and needlessly mean things and no one gives a fсuк.
Age 85
I’ve learned that I didn’t do enough women, didn’t snort enough coke, and didn’t drink enough good red wine, because I am still fсuкing alive.
Age 92
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Christian Football Definitions:

Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.

Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.

Half-time - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.

Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.

Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.

Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.

Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.

Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.

Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime."

Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.

End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.

Flex Defence - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.

Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.

Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.
Office and Work Jokes Religion jokes School Jokes Money jokes Christian Jokes Restaurant Jokes
Fifty Children’s Books Now At Your Local Library
1-10
You are Different and That’s Bad
Take a Walk Down the Railroad Tracks with Me
Dad’s New Wife ‘Greg’
Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An “I-Can-Do-It” Book:
A Children’s Guide to Hitchhiking
Kathy Was So Bad Her Mommy Stopped Loving Her
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
All Cats Go to hell
How to Kick Аss At School
11-20
Some Kittens Can Fly
Adoption: A Fresh Start
Grandpa’s new Casket
Fun With Abandoned Refrigerators
Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
Strangers Have the Best Candy
Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get your Way
Why You Were An Accident
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21-30
Pop! Goes the Hamster, And Other Great Microwave Games
The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan
Nightmares: Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid
A Child’s Guide to Final Arrangements
Eggs, Toilet paper, and your School
Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
The Surprise at the Bottom of the Pool
If It Feels Good, Touch It!
31-40
Making Grown-Up Friends On The Internet
101 Fun Games To Play In The Road
You Can’t Help It If You’re Stupid
Patty Went Splat! (Don’t YOU Forget Your Seatbelt)
Bullies Have More Fun
Mommy’s Got A New Baby To Love
Timmy’s The Wrong Color To Be Your Friend
I Dare You! 101 Challenges To Prove You’re Not A Sissy
Michael Jackson’s “Fun” Place
Harry Potter and the Sтоnеd Sorcerer
41-50
Why Does Mommy Almost Sneeze So Much in Her Bedroom?
Who’s My Daddy?
Small Objects and Electrical Outlets
Different Daddies Each Day of the Week
Operation and Nomenclature of the Colt 1911 45 ACP
Little Hands, Big Toasters
How To Make A Plastic Bag Space Helmet
Santa Claus And Other Lies Your Parents Told You
Why Don’t We Celebrate Father’s Day Like Other Kids?
Fun With Things Under The Kitchen Sink
Christmas Jokes School Jokes Kids Jokes Make My Day Laughs Men jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Friendship Jokes Dad Jokes Internet Jokes Harry Potter Jokes
After three or four days of research, a casual perusal of the ancient texts, an afternoon fishing off the dock with a student doing a Master’s thesis on etymology, various hunters and plumbers and carpenters, we can present a reasonably good translation of men’s English into understandable English: ……
…….
Men’s English: ……
……….
I’m hungry = I’m hungry ……..
I’m tired = I’m tired.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sеx with you after a movie.
Can I take you out for dinner? = I’d like to have sеx with you after dinner.
Can I call you sometime? = Eventually I would like to have sеx with you.
May I have this dance? = Eventually I would like to have sеx with you.
Nice dress = Nice rack, nice cleavage
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fоndlе you.
What’s wrong? = I guess sеx tonight is out of the question.
I’m bored = Do you want to have sеx tonight?
I love you = There I said it, Let’s have sеx now.
I love you too = Now we have to have sеx!
Let’s talk = I am trying to prove to you that I am a deep person and maybe then you’ll have sеx with me.
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sеx with other guys.
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The following was the answering machine message for an elementary school:
"Hello! You have reached your child's elementary school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1.
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2.
To complain about what we do - Press 3.
To cuss out staff members - Press 4.
To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5.
If you want us to raise your child - Press 6.
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7.
To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8.
To complain about bus transportation - Press 9.
To complain about school lunches - Press 0.
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable/responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it's not the teachers fault for your child(ren)'s lack of effort, hang up, and have a nice day!"
Office and Work Jokes School Jokes
A 16-year-old boy who works part-time job pulls into his parent's driveway in a Porsche. Naturally, his mom and dad know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to own such a car.
“Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad scream in unison.
He calmly tells them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money?” his mom demands. “We know what a Porsche costs.”
“Well,” says the boy, “This one cost me fifteen dollars.”
At this point, naturally, the parents start yelling even louder. “Who on earth would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?!”
“The lady up the street,” the boy replies, shrugging. “I don’t know her name-she just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my gosh,” the mom moans.
The boy’s father and mother rush over to their new neighbor’s house, ready to break down her door and demand an explanation. Curiously, their new neighbor is calmly planting petunias.
“I’m the father of the kid you just sold a sports car to for $15,” the dad says. “I need an explanation from you - ASAP!”
“Well,” the neighbor says, not looking up from her garden. “This morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.”
“What on earth does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for $15?” The boy’s mom asks - utterly perplexed.
The new neighbor smiles, and pauses for a minute. “Well, my husband asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”
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