School Jokes

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Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner? So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says:
"Congratulations, how did you do that?"
The bat said:
"Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and suскеd the blood of all the family".
"Very good" said Dracula. The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Dracula astonished says,
"How did you do that?" The bat replies " Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunк the blood of all the children".
"Impressive" said Dracula. Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked. And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?" Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says "Well, I didn't".
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After the Sunday sermon the Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. …
….
No one wants him to leave because he is so popular. …
…
Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and proclaims: ‘If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year, and his wife with a Volkswagen mini-van to transport their children!’ …
…
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds. …
…
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if the Vicar will stay on here, I’ll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education for all of his children!’
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, ‘If the Vicar stays, I will give him free sеx.’
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her: ‘Mrs. Jones, you’re a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?’
Agnes’s 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
“Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ‘Fuск the Vicar.’ “
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A selection of quotes from "I miss Dan Quayle".
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."
- - J. Danforth Quayle
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
- - J. Danforth Quayle
"Republicans understand the importance of воndаgе between a mother and child."
- - Vice President Dan Quayle
"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
- - Vice President Dan Quayle
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
- - Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
- - Vice President Dan Quayle
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
- - Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
- - Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
- - Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89
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Four guys are at a high school reunion and one of them goes to the restroom.
The other three guys start talking about how succesful their sons are.
Guy 1: My son is so successful he owns a cardealership and just gave his best friend a Ferarri.
Guy 2: Thats nothing, my son owns an airliner and just gave his best friend a private jet
Guy 3: Well my son is more success than that, he owns an architecture firm and just gave his best friend a castle
Guy 4 walks out of the bathroom and walks over to the other 3 guys
Guy 4: Hey guys what are we talking about
Guy 1: Oh, we are talking about how successful our sons are
Guy 4:Well, my son is a Gаy stripper
Guy 2: You must be so dissappointed with what he's done with his life
Guy 4: Actually, he is doing very well for himself. He just got a Ferrari, a jet, and a caste from his three boyfriends.
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The Feron psychiatric hospital was also a teaching and research institute. Today marked the first day of a new semester. After the students arrived in class, Professor McDoogle introduced herself. She then said,
"Please take out a blank sheet of paper and write down you’re deepest thoughts concerning this question: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"
The students seemed to be rather puzzled and some even started to giggle a little bit. This was swiftly ended by a stern word from the teacher explaining this paper would result in a third of their grade. She went on to say it may be the most important object lesson they’ll ever learn during their education process. Realizing this was serious and must hold profound meaning far beyond the questions exterior. At this the students began to bare down and search for a solution with great veracity.
Forty five minutes later the students were producing pages of written dialog. Each thought seemed to pose deeper and more complex avenues of discovery as their quest intensified in epic proportion. Just then an orderly poked his head into the classroom.
"There you are, Mrs. McDoogle, we’ve been worried about you. I see you’ve been switching class room numbers again!"
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