School jokes, Teacher Jokes

Dear Diary, For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress and this is it.
MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess – with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
TUESDAY: I drank a whole рот of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other сrар too.
THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late – it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny trainer to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine — which I immediately sank.
FRIDAY: I hate Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Sтuрid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader!! If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the sтuрid barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank the Lord that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little jеrк) will choose a gift for me that is fun — like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

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Here are some actual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses in the court room. Perhaps they ain't so bright after all.
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. Q:
"Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A:
"No."
Q:
"Did you check for blood pressure?"
A:
"No."
Q:
"Did you check for breathing?"
A:
"No."
Q:
"So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A:
"No."
Q:
"How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A:
"Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q:
"But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A:
"It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he кill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q:
"So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A:
"Yes."
Q:
"And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q:
"She had three children, right?"
A:
"Yes."
Q:
"How many were boys?"
A:
"None."
Q:
"Were there any girls?"
12. Q:
"You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A:
"Yes."
Q:
"And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q:
"Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A:
"I went to Europe, Sir."
Q:
"And you took your new wife?"
14. Q:
"How was your first marriage terminated?"
A:
"By death."
Q:
"And by who's death was it terminated?"
15. Q:
"Can you describe the individual?"
A:
"He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q:
"Was this a male, or a female?"
16. Q:
"Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A:
"No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q:
"Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A:
"All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q:
"All your responses must be оrаl, OK? What school did you go to?"
A:
"Оrаl."
19. Q:
"Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A:
"The autopsy started around 8:30 p. M.."
Q:
"And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A:
"No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
20. Q:
"Are you qualified to give a urinе sample?"
A:
"I have been since early childhood."

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School Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Lawyer Jokes

A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.
The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunк."
The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"

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Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Money jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Police Officer Jokes

Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.
The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter''s room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know that she smoked!"
"It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and I found a bottle of vоdка under her bed. I didn't even know that she drank!"
"Oh, it gets even worse than that," says the third mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and you''ll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms! I didn't even know that she had a реnis!"

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Jokes about Women School Jokes Kids Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Сhrisт, are you still in there?!'"

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School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes God Jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes

Pupil (on phone): My son has a bad cold and won't be able to come to school today.
School Secretary: Who is this?
Pupil: This is my father speaking!

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School Jokes Kids Jokes Dad Jokes Secretary Jokes

Johnny's father: "Let me see your report card."
Johnny: "I don't have it."
Johnny's father: "Why not?"
Johnny: My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

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School Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Parent Jokes Friendship Jokes Dad Jokes

A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother,
"Is it true what Rita just told me?"
"What's that?" asks her mother.
"That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter.
"Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"

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School Jokes Dirty jokes Baby Jokes

Little Johnny was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a вiтсh is seven. Three plus six, that son of a вiтсh is nine."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the called Little Johnny's teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in class?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a вiтсh is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, the sum of which is four."

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Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Math Jokes

The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica: "What part of the human body increases to 10 times it's normal size when excited?"
Jessica responds: "That's disgusting! I don't have to answer that question!"
So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: "That's easy...the pupil of the eye."
"That's correct, Johnny. Very good!"
And turning to Jessica, she says:
"I've three things to say to you, young lady... first, you didn't do your homework; second, you have a dirтy mind; and third, you're in for a big disappointment!"

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School Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Little Johnny Jokes

Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which оrgаn of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which оrgаn of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"
Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted.
She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.
"Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson.
"Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."
"Very good, Sam. Thank you."
Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirтy mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

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School Jokes Dirty jokes Parent Jokes Science jokes

Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why.
The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations.
The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late. He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one. Ever.
The next day, Johnny shows up two hours late.
Johnny says, "I was two hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school. I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home. If I didn't clean it and freeze it, my mom would've been angry. That's why I'm so late".
The teacher promptly takes him to the principal's office and explains the story to the principal.
The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day.
He says, "I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me. I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me. He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs. He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear. The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me. What do you think of that, Johnny?"
Johnny replies, "Oh yeah, that's my dog Sparky. That's his third bear this week."

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Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Animal Jokes Pet Jokes Dog jokes American Presidents Humor

Teacher: "Why did you laugh?"
Boy: "I saw a strap of your вrа."
Teacher: "Get out! Don't come to class for the next 1 week. Another boy laughs..."
Teacher: "Why did you laugh?"
Boy: "I saw both straps of your вrа."
Teacher: "Get out! Don't come to class for next 1 month."
The teacher bends to pick a chalk and little Johnny starts walking out of the class.
Teacher: "Why are you going out?"
Johnny: "With what I saw I think my school days are over."

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School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes

Teacher asks children, what do you wish to do in future?
Jimmy: I want to be a pilot.
Willy: I want to be a doctor.
Mary: I want to be a good mother.
Little Johnny: I want to help Mary.

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School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Kids Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Pilot Jokes Aviation Jokes

During a lesson little Johnny yawns extremely wide.
Teacher tries to make a joke: "Johnny, don't swallow me."
He replies: "Don't worry, teacher, I don't eat pork."

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School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Food Jokes Vulgar jokes

In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, "Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests."
Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it.
"Well, said Mr. Johnson, I was looking over your test and the question was,
'Who was our first president?', and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put 'George Washington,' and so did you."
"So, everyone knows that he was the first president."
"Well, just wait a minute," said Mr. Johnson.
"The next question was, 'Who freed the slaves?'
Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you."
"Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that," said Johnny.
"Wait, wait," said Mr. Johnson.
"The next question was, 'Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?'
Mary put 'I don't know,' and you put, 'Me neither'."

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School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Political Jokes Cheating Jokes Student jokes History Jokes

Little Johnny was being questioned by the teacher during an arithmetic lesson.
'If you had ten dollars,' said the teacher, 'and I asked you for a loan of eight dollars, how much would you have left?'
'Ten,' said Little Johnny firmly.
'Ten?' the teacher said 'How do you make it ten?'
'Well,' replied Little Johnny 'You may ask for a loan of eight dollars, but that doesn't mean you'll get it!'

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School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Banker Jokes

A little boy came home from school and his homework assignment was to find out what the difference was between hypothetically and realistically,so he asked his dad.
His dad said, "Well, go ask your mom if she would sleep with the mail man for $1,000,000."
He went and asked and came back and said, "She said yes".
"Well", said the dad, "Go ask your sister the same question."
He did and came back and said, "She said yes."
And the dad said, "Now go ask your brother the same thing."
He did and came back and said, "He said yes too!"
And the dad said, "Well hypothetically we're sitting on three million dollars, realistically we're living with 2 whоrеs and a fаg!"

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School Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Dad Jokes

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees.
She explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later, the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.
Little Johnny — at the back of the class — put his hand up and asks the teacher, "Are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you’re getting
your birds mixed up.My big sister just got a little baby and she said it came from a black рескеr at the beach!"

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Jokes about Women School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Kids Jokes Men jokes

One day the teacher told her class to think of something exiting that happened recently.
Little Suzie told about her trip to Florida.
Clyde said his dad got drunк all the time.
Little Johnny put a dot on the board and the teacher asked him to explain what was exciting about a period.
He said: "Неll if I know but my sister said she missed hers and my mom screamed, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy nextdoor killed himself."

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School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Dad Jokes