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Steve Davis, the world champion snooker player, got married and it was the first night of his honeymoon. His beautiful wife lay spread across the bed wearing only a scanty silken black nightdress.
Presently Steve came out of the bathroom totally nакеd with a long stiff еrестiоn and walked slowly to the foot of the bed. He didn’t utter a sound but simply stood there looking at her and chalking the end of his еrест реnis.
This went on for over ten minutes, the only movement being the slow rhythmic chalking of the tip of his реnis and the movement of his head from side to side as he stared at her lying on the bed. Eventually, moist with excitement and shaking with anticipation she tore off her night dress and slowly spread her legs wide open waiting for him to take her.
Steve simply raised his eyebrows, cocked his head to the side and continued to slowly sтrоке the soft chalk across the glistening, throbbing реnis as he stared intensely at the pleasures he saw between her outspread legs. It was too much for her to stand, writhing in an agony of expectation and frustration she screamed out, “For God’s sake what are you waiting for?”
Steve gently stroked the chalk across his throbbing реnis, blew the loose chalk off its end, smiled and looking even more closely between her smooth thighs quietly told her, “I’m trying to decide whether to go for the tight brown or the easy pink.”
The Liverpool manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 2-0 down to Newcastle with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation. He scores 3 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool . The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
‘Hello mum, guess what?’ he says ‘I played for 20 minutes today, we were 2 - 0 down but I scored 3, they call it a hat-trick, and we won.
Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love me.’ ‘Just wonderful,’ says his mum, ‘Let me tell you about my day …
Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, she would have been rареd but for a passing police vehicle.
Your brother has joined a local gang of looters and set fire to some buildings and all while you tell me that you were having a great time!!’
The young lad is very upset. ‘What can I say mum, but I’m really sorry.’
Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!’ says his mum. ‘It’s your вlооdy fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!’
Poo like a man, or woman ???
Like a Man
1. Select reading material
2. Tell everyone along the way, “Just going for a dump, okay?” Always tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.
3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.
4. Adjust реnis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the toilet rim.
5. Open reading material and relax.
6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fаrт.
7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to experience a cold jet of water rocket up your аnus as a result of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.
8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs and buttocks.
9. Rise and look at the poo. Make mental notes of irregularities to report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e. G. colour, consistency, any visible traces of peanuts etc. You must tell people about it.
10. Take long length of paper and wipe аnus. You must look at the paper before throwing it into the pan.
11. Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of faeces on the paper.
12. Flush. If there is any residue left on the pan, under no circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or, when your girlfriend/wife next uses the loo.
13. Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you can use it again later).
14. Wash your hands once.
15. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man’s self-esteem that other people smell his produce.
Like a Woman
1. Under no circumstances use any other toilet than your own, regardless of any stomach pain that may be caused whilst waiting to get home.
2. With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the pan by your boyfriend/husband. Also wipe his рuвiс hair off the seat with some toilet paper.
3. Flush the toilet before starting. Then wash your hands.
4. Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may have sat on the toilet since it was last bleached).
5. Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent splash-back.
6. Pull раnтiеs down and sit. Some women may still prefer to squat over the seat as opposed to taking the risk of touching it with bare flesh.
7. Release solids, but strain to avoid making any sounds.
8. Rise and quickly flush before direct eye-contact is made with any faeces.
9. Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to positively guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin (about five or six applications per roll).
10. Wipe once and throw paper into the pan. Do not look at the paper.
11. Repeat steps 9 and 10 at least thirty times. It may be necessary to yell for your boyfriend/husband to find some more rolls to pass through the door while promising not to open his eyes or pass any comments. It is traditional to do this while he is trying to watch sport.
12. Flush the toilet and replace the lid.
13. Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant soap.
14. Open all windows and spray approximately half-a-can of air freshener.
15. Pick up all reading material left behind by your boyfriend/husband and leave bathroom, closing the door firmly behind you.