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Women - Page 143
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A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son’s house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally nакеd. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“I’m waiting for my husband to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law said. “I am wearing my love dress.”
“Love dress? But you’re nакеd!” said the mother-in-law.
“My husband loves me to wear this dress,” she explained. “It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can’t get enough of me.”
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
What are you doing?” he asked.
This is my love dress” she whispered, sensually.
“Needs ironing,” he said.
A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture.
The Greek says, “We have the Parthenon.”
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, “We have the Coliseum.”
The Greek retorts, “We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics”
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, “But we built the Roman Empire.”
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, “We invented sеx!”
The Italian replies, “That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women.”
While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive pakistani women sat down next to Anant. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the anant turned to her and said,
"This is a special day. I'm celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.
"What are you celebrating?" he asked.
"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"Congratulations," the Anant said, lifting his glass.
"As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."
"How did it happen?"
"I switched соскs."
"What a coincidence," she said " I switched too"
Four southern ladies were sitting around having Вlооdy Marys and talking about how much their husbands loved them. The first one says,
"My husband loves me so much that he bought me a diamond ring." But, of course, she was in such a hurry she forgot her rings, but all the women still said,
"Oh, how nice." The second woman says,
"Well, my husband loves me so much he got me a fur coat." But it was the middle of July and too hot to wear a coat, but still all the ladies said,
"Oh, how nice." So then the third woman says,
"Well, my husband loves me so much he bought me a Mercedes-Benz." And, of course, she was being chauffeured in the family Buick." So they all looked at the fourth woman and said,
"Well, honey, how much does your husband love you?" She replied, "He loves me so much that he bought me lesson to a charm school so I could learn to say 'Oh, how nice' instead of sarcastically saying 'Oh, ya, right' after everything you ladies say."
White women
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grоре all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sеx, but only in the missionary position.
Irish women
First Date: You both get blind drunк and have sеx.
Second Date: You both get blind drunк and have sеx.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunк and have sеx.
Italian women
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mum makes spaghetti and meatballs.
Third Date: You have sеx, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having sеx.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.
Jewish women
First Date: You get dynamite оrаl sеx.
Second Date: You get more great оrаl sеx.
Third Date: You tell her you’ll marry her and you never get оrаl sеx again.
Chinese women
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing hapens again.
Third date: You don’t even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.
Indian women
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
Black women
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She’s pregnant by someone other than you.
Mexican women
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunк on tequila, and have sеx in the back of her car.
Second Date: She’s pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father’s girlfriend’s mother, her two cousins, her sister’s boyfriend and his three kids move in … and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.
The POINT?
Don’t you just love irish women?
The night before her wedding the mother takes her daughter aside. “Now, look,” she tells her daughter “Men are a little strange sometimes. If he ever tells you to turn over, I want you to get out of bed, pack your things and come home to me.”
So the couple gets married and everything is fine for a couple of years.
Then, one night, while they are in bed, the man says to the woman, “Darling, roll over now.”
Hearing this, she gets out of bed, puts her clothes on and starts packing her things. When she is ready to leave the confused husband says, “Honey, wait a minute! What’s the matter?”
Wiping her tears, she says, “My mother told me that men are a little strange sometimes and if you ever ask me to roll over, I was to get my things and leave you, and go home to her.”
“But, honey,” says the husband, “don’t you want children?
A man and a woman walk into a bank and ask to see the manager.
They are ushered in and the manager, despite his professionalism, can hardly keep his eyes off the bulging cleavage and perfect curves of the woman.
“Mr Wilson” says the man, “I have an investment proposition that needs £20,000. I presume, as I bank here, that will be no problem?”
Smugly the bank manager replies, “In banking, one should never assume Sir. I will need to ask a few questions and run a few checks.”
“Here’s the deal.” says the man, leaning forward. “No questions. No checks. £20,000 today and I will let you have my wife for one night and one night only to do whatever you want. And she is very.. adventurous.”
Once again Mr Wilson mentally undresses the woman, licks his lips, loosens his tie and becomes flustered. After a few moments he buzzes in his secretary and they draw up the paperwork. He arranges to bring the money to the executive suite of the Radisson hotel at 7 o’clock that evening.
At ten to seven, Mr Wilson nervously enters the hotel lobby and takes the lift to the 17th floor. He knocks shyly on the door of the suite and it is answered by the woman in a low cut short red dress and heels.
“Mr Wilson” she purrs. “Have you got the money?”
The bank manager shakily hands her an envelope.
She smiles. “Then come in.”
He follows the woman into the room and stops in shock. Lying on the bed is a hideously ugly woman in faded grey underwear eating a pie. At least 25 stone, she lies in a provocative pose showing unshaven armpits and bikini line.
The man is sitting in an armchair with a glass of Scotch.
“What’s this?!” stutters the bank manager.
“My wife” says the man. “In banking, Mr Wilson, one should never assume.”
A guy dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter issues him a white robe, a harp, and his very own cloud to float around on.
The guy thinks this is great.
One day he sees another cloud float by.
The guy on that cloud has a gorgeous, nакеd woman and a keg of вееr with him.
The first guy finds St. Peter and complains to him, How come this guy gets a gorgeous ваве and keg of вееr, when all I got is this white robe and a lousy harp?
St. Peter says, I know just who you’re talking about. He’s being punished.
The guy can’t believe what he’s hearing.
How can that be?, he asks.
Well, says St. Peter, The keg has a hole in it, and the girl doesn’t.