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Jokes about Women

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There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house, so she called the contractor and set an appointment to meet with him.
When the contractor came to her house they did a walk-through and he asked her what colors she would like.
They came to the living room and she told him that she would like a nice, warm cream color.
The contractor wrote something down on his pad, then walked to the window and yelled, "Greenside up."
The lady is a little confused, but doesn't say anything, and they continue to the dining room where she tells him, "I would like a nice warm white in here, nothing stark."
The contractor writes something down on his pad, then walks to the window and again yells, "Greenside up!"
The lady is really confused now but still does not say anything.
They continue to her bedroom and she says, "I would like a nice, cool, relaxing blue in here."
The contractor writes something on his pad and again walks to the window and yells, "Greenside up."
The woman is now totally perplexed and says to the contractor, "Three times I have told you the color that I want, and you write something on your pad, then you walk to the window and yell greenside up. What is going on?"
The contractor replies, "You see, I have four blondes laying sоd across the street."

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Blonde Jokes Jokes about Women

A young , attractive woman thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him, “Major, when was the last time you had sеx?”
“1956,” was his reply.
“No wonder you look so uptight!” she exclaimed. “Major, you need to get out more!”
“I’m not sure I understand you,” he answered, glancing at his watch, ”It’s only 2014 now.”

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Sex Jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes Military Jokes

Two programmers after work, talking in a pub:
"You will never believe me when I tell you what happened to me yesterday. I met a very nice blonde in a bar."
- And what did you do ?
"I invited her to my place, we had some drinks and then the girl asked me to undress her."
"Are you kidding me ? And what did you do then?"
"I got her blouse and her dress off and then i got her to sit on my office, right next to my new laptop."
"Oh, you got a new laptop. What model and what are its specifications?"

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Programmer Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Blonde Jokes Computer Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!”
The doctor replied, “Show me.”
So the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain.
Then she poked her knee and yelled OW.
She poked her forehead and screamed again.
She was about to continue when the doctor said, “That’s enough, let me think this over.”
He thought for about a minute and said “I think I know what your problem is. You broke your finger.”

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes

While walking along a beach, a man finds a lamp and rubs it off. A genie appears and offers to grant the man one wish.
The man replys, "What about three?" The genie retorts " Look pal, I'm in a hurry, I've been cooped up in that dамn lamp for. . ."
"OK, alright" the guy responds.
"Tell you what, I'm tired of paying for airplane tickets to Hawaii.
I'd like you to build a bridge from California to Hawaii."
This рissеs the genie off.
He screams, "Hey, this isn't the movies. Your wish has to be practical."
"Do you know the engineering it would take to design that, the materials it would take, you'd have to compensate for plate techtonics, the continental shelf. . ."
"Geez" the guy responds, "Well, I'd really like to understand women."
The genie responds "Did you want two lanes or four?"

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Genie jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes Sex Jokes Aviation Jokes

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.
After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.
After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
“Dear,” she chirped, “I think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted.”

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Animal Jokes Jokes about Women

A rich 40 year-old American woman decided to get married, but she wanted her husband to be a virgin and to never had been with a woman all of his life.
After some years of pointless searching, she didn’t found anyone with this description and forced to give an ad to the paper.
A month later, she met with an Australian man who had never been with a woman before in his life and she married him immediately.
On the first night of their wedding and before they lay down, she went for a quick fresh up and then went back to the bedroom, happy.
When she entered the room she stood steal...
She saw her husband nакеd to the center of the room and all the furniture on the corner of the room.
"But.. What happened?" asked the woman obviously shocked.
"Look.. I’ve never been with a woman, but if it’s the same as with the kangaroo, then I’ll need the whole room to catch you!"

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Pet Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes American Jokes

A Liberal died and a friend went around collecting for a fund for his funeral. A woman was asked to donate ten dollars.
"Ten dollars?" she said.
"It only takes ten dollars to bury a Liberal? Here's a hundred - go bury 10 of them!"

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Democrat jokes Jokes about Women Money jokes Dark Humor Jokes Friendship Jokes Funeral jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Q: Why is a woman's рussy like a warm toilet seat?
A: They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.

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Dirty jokes Jokes about Women

A woman walks into her sеx thearapist’s office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and the rarely have sеx anymore, and asks what to do about it?
The therapist tells her that she has a new drug called Viаgrа that might do the trick.
She tells the woman to give him one pill that night, and come back in the morning to tell her what happens.
The next day the woman walks in ecstatic telling the therapist the viаgrа worked, and she and her husband had the best sеx ever.
She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills?
The therapist replies she dosn’t know but says to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist tha the sеx was even better than the night before.
She asks the therapist what whould happen if she gave him five pills?
The therapist once again tells her to give it a try.
The following day the woman comes back in LIMP BUT HAPPY, tells the therapist the sеx just keeps getting better and better.
She asks what would happen if she gave him the rest of the bottle?
The therapists tells her its a new drug and she doesn’t know what a full bottle would do to a person.
The woman leaves the office and puts the rest of the pills in her husbands morning coffee.
A week later a boy walks into the therapists office and asks: "Are you the “idiот” who gave my MOTHER a bottle of Viаgrа?"
"Why yes young man I did?"
"Why?"
"Well mom’s dead, my sister’s Pregnant, my A– Hurts, and Dad just sits in the corner going, 'here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty…'”

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Sex Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Dad Jokes Viagra jokes Coffee Jokes

What is it?
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn’t have one.
The Pope has one but doesn’t use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Bush is one.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi’s.
What is it?
The answer is: "A Last Name..."
You didn’t think I’d tell you a dirтy joke, did you?

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Jokes about Women Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Dirty jokes American Presidents Humor

The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was told by his boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack.
His choice was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support.
At night, the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his employees he would lay off.
Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be the one.
Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the two employees to arrive.
At 8:55 Mary walks into the office.
"I've got a difficult decision" the VP says, "I either have to Lay You or Jack off."
"Oh? jack-off," Mary says, "I've got a headache."

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Political Jokes Boss Jokes

A Pontiac takes examinations for the driver’s licence for the fourth year in a row.
The examiner asks him "So, you’re running on the street. You have a mountain on your right and there’s a cliff on your left. There are two women in your way; the one young and the other an old woman. Which one are you going to hit?"
"Of course the old woman!"
The examinet frustrated "I told you last year! You hit the brakes!"

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Car and driving jokes Jokes about Women Old People Jokes

A guy went to a whоrе house and asked the lady if she had a woman that could handle 16 inches.
"Hmm," said the madam. "I'm not sure. Try the first door on the right." So the guy went inside, stuck it in, and immediately heard screams.
"It's too big! Take it out!" So he went to the madam.
"No, really. I need someone who can handle 16 inches."
"Hmm," said the madam. "Try the last door." So the guy went inside, stuck it in, and had the time of his life, surprised that there was no scream at all. In fact, he heard no sounds at all. Puzzled, he finished up and pulled out.
"Talk to me, baby."
"Moo."

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Gross Jokes Jokes about Women Animal Jokes Dirty jokes

Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"
Little Johnny: "None."
Teacher: "Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one . How many are left?"
Little Johnny: "None."
Teacher: "Can you explain that answer?"
Little Johnny: "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left."
Teacher: "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think."
Little Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?"
Teacher: "Sure."
Little Johnny: "There are three women in the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is suскing her ice cream cone. Which one is married?"
Teacher: "The one suскing the cone."
Little Johnny: "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."

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School Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Dirty jokes

Q: What's the best part of a вlоw job?
A: The ten minutes of silence.

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Men vs Women Jokes Jokes about Women Sex Jokes

A Rolls Royce pulls up in to an expensive restaurant. A sheik emerges, followed by a harem of women and a rooster. After ordering for himself and his harem, the sheik requests a basket of apples for the rooster.
The rooster proceeds to eats three baskets of apples. The waiter asks the sheik about the voracious appetite of the rooster.
The sheik explains, "A genie granted me three wishes. My first wish was to have an endless supply of money. My second wish was to have many beautiful women. And my third wish was to have an insatiable соск."

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Food Jokes Jokes about Women Car and driving jokes Money jokes Restaurant Jokes

A masked man walks into a bank and holds it up at gunpoint to rob the bank.
In the process of robbing the bank, his mask fell off. He quickly put it back on his face and asked the teller directly ahead of him if she saw his face. She admitted that she did, so he shot and killed her.
He then turned to the teller that was beside the one her just killed and asked if she had also seen his face. She said that she did and he shot and killed her too. He then turned to a man, a customer who just happened to be in the bank when the robbery was taking place. The robber asked the customer if he had seen his face.
The customer replied, "No, but I'm pretty sure my wife did."

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Sick and Death Jokes Banker Jokes

A man, during his night prays, asks God:
"Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so sтuрid?"
"So that they can love you back, my child...!"

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Men vs Women Jokes Jokes about Women God Jokes Men jokes Beauty Jokes Love Jokes Stupid Jokes

Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice!

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