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Women - Page 81
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Country Saloon, half past five. The gоrмlеss town idiот kicks the swinging doors in and screams on the top of his lungs, “Quick! Y’all better save your lives! BLACK HAND is coming, and he’ll кill everyone!”
A massive commotion starts. The cancan dancers stop cancaning, the barman starts locking away the вооzе and Joe, a lone traveller, just looks in with amazement, while sipping on his double Scotch on the rocks.
Ten minutes later and the saloon is empty. The bartender is the last person to rush out of the premises. Joe stops him with a cocky attitude!
“You! What the hеll is going on?”
“Did you not hear?” he cries. “BLACK HAND is coming and will кill everyone! Save yourself!” he squeals as he runs away.
“What a load of nancies!” Joe thinks, and carries on sipping on his drink.
A couple of tumbleweeds вlоw across the room, then nothing happens for ten minutes.
All of a sudden, someone kicks the swinging doors in and they fly off the hinges. Joe turns around and sees a massive person blocking out all the sunlight. As he comes closer Joe realises it’s a seven foot tall black guy. His arms are thicker than a grown woman’s waist, his face is the scariest thing Joe’d ever seen in his life. For the first time in his life Joe is ACTUALLY scared.
“Suск my соск!” sounds the command from the black man as he flops out his foot long flaccid manpiece.
Without thinking Joe starts to “smoke” it.
After a minute, the big black man commands, “Faster cowboy!”
Joe obeys, and suскs faster.
“Faster you, Sissy!” he thunders.
Joe suскs faster.
“Faster, you motherfcuking piece of white ваsтаrd!”
Joe has enough, and plucks up the courage to speak up for himself.
“What’s with all this? Why so fast? he snaps
The black giant replies nervously, “Did you not hear? BLACK HAND is coming, and he’ll fсuкing кill everyone!”
Two women decided to go out one evening, without their husbands. Laughing the entire evening away and finding that they had consumed entirely too much wine, they decided it was time to head home.
They were about halfway home when both ladies decided that they needed to find a bathroom quick. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. A little bit scared and tipsy, they decided they’d just have to stop there, as they couldn’t wait any longer.
Stumbling off the road into the cemetery they soon discovered they had no toilet paper or kleenex but the trip being an urgent one, they decided to ‘just make do’!
The first one decided to use her раnтiеs and then discard them. The second one had on new раnтiеs and not wanting to leave them behind grabbed a big ribbon from a floral wreath on the grave stone next to her.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one of them said to the other: “You know, we’ll have to keep a closer watch on our wives. It seems that those two were up to no good last night. My wife came home in the wee hours without her раnтiеs!”
The other one responded: “Well, you’re lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her вuтт that read: We will never forget you… The Carboni Brothers.”
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
“Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
“Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.”
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
“Husband Wanted”.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
“You can have mine.”
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father,
“Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
A young son asked,
“Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?”
Dad replied, “That happens in every country, son.”
Then there was a woman who said,
“I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.”
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say - talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, “My wife’s an angel!”
Second guy remarks, “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”
” A Woman’s Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I’ll just beat him to death “
A husband had to leave his wife for 3 months while he attended business in Africa. To prevent her loneliness and to lower the temptations of her being unfaithful he gave his wife a magic dildо before he left. The reason it was called a magic dildо was because no matter where the wife was all she would have to do is say, "magic dildо" and then the place she wanted the magic dildо to be and it would appear there.
Well a week after her husband left the wife decided to give the magic dildо a try. She left it in the garage and then went up into her bed and said, "magic dildо, vаginа." Instantly it appeared where it was called and satisfied the wife. The wife was very excited about her magic dildо and started to use it every where. She called to it at work when no one was looking, in the wooded part of the park, at the movie theater, when she was dancing, everywhere. No matter where she was it would appear and make her squirm with pleasure.
One day on her way to work the wife hit bad traffic. She looked up ahead and saw there was an accident and realized it would be a while and decided to call the magic dildо. The wife was feeling really confident and called out "magic dildо, vаginа." She became overwhelmed and hit the accelerator slamming into the car in front of her. As it turned out that car was a cop.
The cop came up to the car seeing the woman squirming and suspected she was on drugs.
"Get out of the car now and put your hands on the hood!" The wife tried to comply but ended up just falling to the pavement. The officer was quite alright and asked the wife what she was on. The wife told him "Officer I'm not on any drugs, my husband gave me a magic dildо and its causing me to loose control!"
The officer, not buying it, simply replied "Magic dildо, my аss."