1. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
2. Health nuts are going to feel sтuрid someday, lying in hospital dying of nothing.
3. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
4. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.
5. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and woman say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
7. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
8. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you $200 and a substantial tax cut saves you 35 cents?
9. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
10. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
11. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
12. You read about all these terrorists---most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
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