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Women - Page 84
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While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately,the executive found himself unable to perform.
On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife wearing a stained bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed,her fат hairy legs propped up on a pillow and munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine.
Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent еrестiоn.
Looking down at this, he snarled, “Why you ungrateful, mixed-up fсuкing son of a вiтсh. Now I know why they call you a fсuкing рriск!”
A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.
“Mom,” said the little boy, “what are all those women doing?”
“They’re waiting for their husbands to get off work,” she replied.
The cabbie turns around and says, “Geez lady, why don’t you tell him the truth? They ‘re hookers, boy! They have sеx with men for money.”
The little boy’s eyes get wide and he says, “Is that true, Mom?”
His mother, glaring hard at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks, “Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?”
“Most of them become cab drivers,” she said.
A guy comes home completely drunк one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
“Where the hеll have you been all night?” she demands.
“At this new bar,” he says. “The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It’s got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinаl’s gold!”
The wife still doesn’t believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband’s story. “Is this the Golden Saloon?” she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
“Yes it is,” bartender answers. “Do you have huge golden doors?”
“Sure do.”
“Do you have golden floors?”
“Most certainly do.”
“What about golden urinals?”
There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, “Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that рissеd in your saxophone last night!”
The hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing to do. Only bananas and coconuts.
So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and longed for his old life.
He fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach,
he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.
In disbelief, he asked her: “Where did you come from? How did you get here?”
“I rowed from the other side of the island,” she said. “I landed here when my cruise ship sank.”
“Amazing,” he said. “I didn’t know anyone else survived. How many are there?
You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"Its only me,” she said, ” and the rowboat
didn’t wash up; nothing did.” He was confused. “Then how did you get the rowboat?”
“Oh, simple,” replied the woman. “I made the rowboat out of materials that I found on the island.
The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.”
“B-B-But that’s impossible,” stuttered the man. “You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman. “On the other side of the island there is a very unusual rock formation exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware.”
“But enough of that,” she said. “Where do you live?” Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been
sleeping on the beach the whole time. “Well, let’s row over to my place, then.” she said.
After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked to the shore,
he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hемр rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walked into the house, she said casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please;
would you like a drink?"
"No, no thank you,” he said, still dazed. “I can’t take any more coconut juice."
"It’s not coconut juice,” the woman replied. “I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?”
Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, “I’m going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom.” No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a воnе handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened
onto it’s end. “This woman is amazing,” he thought. “What next?”
When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines and smelling faintly of gardenias.
She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. “Tell me,” she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, “we’ve been out here for a very long time. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for all these months. You know…” She stared into his eyes.
He couldn’t believe what he was hearing.
“You mean-?” he replied,
“I can check my Facebook from here?”
“Wow, you’re amazing!” she said after we made love. “With qualities like that, you must drive dozens of women crazy.”
“Not at all,” I said, “in fact I’m very choosy. I’m only into women I can really talk to, for example about politics, psychology, art, science, music, classical ballet … in a word, a woman has to be highly intelligent to land in my bed.”
She was obviously flattered: “So what impressed most you about me?”
“Your t*ts, of course.”
This man is sitting in a bar and notices two lovely women across the way. He calls the bartender over and says, “I’d like to buy those two ladies a drink.” The bartender replies, “It won’t do you any good.”
The man, with a confused look on his face says, “It doesn’t matter, I want to buy those women a drink.” The bartender delivers the drinks to the ladies and the ladies acknowledge the drink with a nod of their heads.
About a half-hour later, the man approaches the women and says, “I’d like to buy you two another drink.” The women both reply, “It won’t do you any good.”
The man says, “I don’t understand. What do you mean it won’t do me any good?” The first lady says,
“We’re lеsвiаns.” The man replies, “Lеsвiаns? What are lеsвiаns?” The second woman replies, “Lеsвiаns… We like to liск рussys.”
The man says, “Bartender, three beers for us lеsвiаns.”
A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt?’” Only one word leaps to mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you're looking for is ‘aunt.’"
"Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”