Jokes From our facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/Jokes-441655979354080)

Beetlejuice is afraid to say Chuck Norris 3 times.

37 0

Chuck Norris Jokes

What's faster than a cheetah?
A Jew with a coupon!

0 0

Religion jokes Jewish Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes

There was this man who had a dog.
Every Sunday morning at 4:30 AM the man and the dog would go fishing.
One day, the man fell in love and got married.
After the wedding, when the man and the woman got in bed together, the man turned to the woman.
"Tomorrow is Sunday and every Sunday morning, me and my dog go fishing at 4:30 AM. We'd like you to come along."
"And what if I don't want to come along?" the woman asked impatiently.
"Well then, sweetie, we'll just have to have buttsex."
With that, the man rolled over and fell asleep, and left the woman pondering.
"God, I hate having the buttsex, but I also hate getting up so early. I'll have to think about this more."
In the morning, the woman could hear the man going downstairs to get the dog.
It was much too early for the woman to get up so she decided to wait for the inevitable buttsex.
She waited for about half an hour and fell back asleep, thinking her husband had left already.
She awoke to the man, pulling on her arm.
"Have you made your decision?" he asked
"Yes," she replied. "I do not want to go fishing."
True to his word, the man pulled down his pants.
"By the way, what took you so long to come upstairs? It usually doesn't take that long to get Sparky up."
"I know," the man said. "He didn't want to go either."

37 0

Jokes about Women Gross Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Dog jokes

Young kids use a dating app on their phones.
Older kids use a dating website on their computers.
Adults use a matchmaking service to get dates.
Senior citizens meet potential dates at church events.
Anyone older than that will have to resort to carbon dating.

73 1

Old People Jokes Relationship Jokes Dating Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Morbid jokes

Chuck Norris kills 100% of germs.

37 0

Chuck Norris Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

It's a proven fact that you will go blind faster staring at a picture of Chuck Norris than you would staring at the sun.

37 0

Chuck Norris Jokes

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

37 0

Chuck Norris Jokes

What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common?
No ball room.

37 0

Dirty jokes

King Kong climbed the Empire State Building because Chuck Norris was waiting at the bottom.

37 0

Chuck Norris Jokes

A blonde goes to her doctor complaining of body pains. Her doctor asked "Where does it hurt?" She touches her elbow and says, "here." She then touches her knee and says "here too." The doctor asks if it hurts anywhere else. She says it seems to be everything she touches hurts. The doctor says, "Well there is your problem. Your finger is broken."

65 0

Medical and Doctor Jokes Blonde Jokes

Father: "Why did you fail your mathematics test?"
Son: "On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8."
Father: "So?"
Son: "On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8... If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?"

62 0

School Jokes One-Liner Jokes Monday jokes

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walkspast and looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?"
The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have afew tokes together.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and that he's goingto get a drink from the river.
The lizard climbs down the tree, ditty bops on thru the jungle tothe river and leans over the river to get his drink.
Well, the lizard is so sтоnеd that he leans too far over and fallsinto the river.
A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him tothe side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in a treeand smoking a joint with the monkey and got too sтоnеd and then fellinto the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he's gotta check this hippie monkey out and walksoff into the jungle where he finds the tree where the monkey isstill sitting and toking on the joint.
He looks up and says "hey you!"
The Monkey looks down and says, "wwoooowww dude.............how much water did you drink?!!"

79 0

Animal Jokes

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, where exactly is Larry's bar?"

68 0

Medical and Doctor Jokes

Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the start of April and I’ve grown вiggеr ever since.

70 0

One-Liner Jokes

Every Friday after work, a mathematician goes down to the Ice Cream Parlor, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl, who isn't there, if he can buy her an ice cream cone.
The owner, who is used to the weird, local university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of him, and he says, "I apologize for my sтuрid questions, but surely you know there is never a woman sitting in that last stool, man. Why do you persist in talking to empty space?"
The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there."
The owner raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a cone? You never know... she might say yes."
The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right. How likely is THAT to happen?"

65 0

Office and Work Jokes Valentine's Day Jokes Math Jokes Friday jokes Physics jokes

A young man wanted to buy a pair of expensive gloves for his sweetheart's birthday. He went to an expensive boutique, bought the finest gloves available, and asked the saleswoman to have them delivered along with a note he had written. Unfortunately, the clerk mixed up the order while wrapping the merchandise. Instead of the expensive gloves, the clerk accidentally wrapped a pair of раnтiеs and sent them to the young man's sweetheart along with the following note which he had written. Darling:
I have been trying desperately to come up with a special gift for your birthday. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but since your sister wears the short ones which are so easy to remove, I wanted to get the same style for you. You may be concerned that these are a delicate shade, however, the saleslady showed me a pair that she had been wearing for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. She said that there are a couple of important care considerations that I should mention to you. First, when you take them off, remember to вlоw in them before putting them away since they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Second, be sure to keep them on while cleaning them so that they won't shrink. The saleslady made such an impression upon me that I had her try them on for me. She really looked great in them and I can just imagine how great they are going to look on you. I decided to mail these so that you would have them in time for your birthday. I really hesitated because I wanted so much to be there to watch you put them on for the first time. There is little doubt in my mind that many other hands will have touched them before I see you again. I can hardly wait to run my own hands over them or do as the French do, and gently kiss them. I hope you really like them and will wear them for me on Friday night. PS: The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

65 0

Men vs Women Jokes Friday jokes

A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family. Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted.
"Darling, it was just a shark," assured his wife when he came to.
"You've got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere."

68 0

Medical and Doctor Jokes Lawyer Jokes

How Cold Is Cold?
60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)
50 Miami residents turn on the heat
40 You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming
35 Italian cars don't start
32 Water freezes
30 You plan your vacation to Australia
25 Boston water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming
20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation further South
15 French cars don't start, Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
10 You need jumper cables to get the car going
5 American cars don't start
0 Alaskans put on T-shirts
-10 German cars don't start, Eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist
-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, Politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start
-25 Too cold to think, You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30 You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don't start
-40 Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweaters, Your car helps you plan your trip South
-50 Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window
-80 Неll freezes over, Polar bears move South
-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets

65 0

Judge and Court Jokes Lawyer Jokes American Jokes Japanese Jokes

A recently married couple retire to their honeymoon suite. Before hopping into bed the bride says, "Now honey, you'll be gentle with me won't you. You know that I'm still a virgin."
This clearly surprises the man, "What are you saying. Aren't I your third husband?"
The woman replied, "Yes, but my first husband was a psychologist and all he liked to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and all he liked to do was look at it. Since you're a lawyer, I'm pretty sure that I'm gonna get sсrеwеd!"

65 0

Judge and Court Jokes Psychology and Psychiatry Jokes Lawyer Jokes Gynecology Jokes

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, 'Let's get off the corner.'
No one moved, so he barked again, 'Let's get off the corner!' Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, 'Well, how did I do?'
'Pretty good,' replied the veteran, 'especially since this is a bus stop.'

37 0

Office and Work Jokes Police Officer Jokes

Facebook Fan Favorites