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Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John’s wife died suddenly.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said:
“I’m so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.”
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said:
“Неll no! Fact is I’m sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad сrаск in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got вiggеr and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn’t very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The dамn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle…”.

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100,000 sреrм and you were the fastest?

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Motivational Jokes

I really lack the words to compliment myself today.

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Motivational Jokes

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.

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Friendship Jokes Life Jokes Philosophy Jokes

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L -S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far аss kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S -I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+ 9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there,
It’s the Вullshiт and Аss Kissing
That will put you over the top.

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Office and Work Jokes Math Jokes Philosophy Jokes

To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist, Julie
Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan’s Radio City Music Hall
for the benefit of the AARP.
One of the musical numbers she performed was “My Favorite Things” from
the legendary movie “Sound Of Music.”
Here are the lyrics she used:
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don’t feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin’,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin’,
And we won’t mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I’ve had,
And then I don’t feel so bad.
(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted
over four minutes and repeated encores.)

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Food Jokes Funny Poems

I HAVE A LITTLE SATNAV
IT SITS THERE IN MY CAR
A SATNAV IS A DRIVERS FRIEND
IT TELLS YOU WHERE YOU ARE.
I HAVE A LITTLE SATNAV
I’VE HAD IT ALL MY LIFE
IT’S BETTER THAN THE NORMAL ONES
MY SATNAV IS MY WIFE.
IT GIVES ME FULL INSTRUCTIONS
ESPECIALLY HOW TO DRIVE
“IT’S THIRTY MILES AN HOUR”, IT SAYS
YOU’RE DOING THIRTY FIVE.
IT TELLS ME WHEN TO STOP AND START
AND WHEN TO USE THE BRAKE
AND TELLS ME THAT IT’S NEVER, EVER
SAFE TO OVERTAKE.
IT TELLS ME WHEN A LIGHT IS RED
AND WHEN IT GOES TO GREEN
IT SEEMS TO KNOW INSTINCTIVELY
JUST WHEN TO INTERVENE.
IT LISTS THE VEHICLES JUST IN FRONT
AND ALL THOSE TO THE REAR
AND TAKING THIS INTO ACCOUNT
IT SPECIFIES MY GEAR.
I’M SURE NO OTHER DRIVER
HAS SO HELPFUL A DEVICE
FOR WHEN WE LEAVE AND LOCK THE CAR
IT STILL GIVES IT’S ADVICE.
IT FILLS ME UP WITH COUNSELLING
EACH JOURNEY’S PRETTY FRAUGHT
SO WHY DON’T I EXCHANGE IT
AND GET A QUIETER SORT?
AH WELL. YOU SEE, IT CLEANS THE HOUSE
MAKES SURE I’M PROPERLY FED
IT WASHES ALL MY SHIRTS AND THINGS
AND KEEPS ME WARM IN BED.
DESPITE ALL THESE ADVANTAGES
AND MY TENDENCY TO SCOFF
I ONLY WISH THAT NOW AND THEN
I COULD TURN THE ВUGGЕR OFF !

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Friendship Jokes Funny Poems

Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer money.

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Money jokes Old People Jokes

What do you call it when a 90 year old man masturbates successfully? Miracle whip.

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Retirement Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes Masturbation jokes

A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.
As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, “Don’t you see the sign? It says, ‘Private property - Stay Out!'”
The golfer says, “I’m sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it, please?”
The man says, “It’s in my yard and so it’s my ball now.”
The golfer looks at the man and says, “I understand.”
He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back and throws it into the yard.
The man says, “What is that for?”
The golfer replies, “I consider myself a gentleman, and I believe every рriск should have two ваlls.”

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Sarcasm Jokes Men jokes Military Jokes

“Be careful!” screamed the teenage mum to her three brats on the bus to work this morning.
Hypocrite.

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Office and Work Jokes Sarcasm Jokes

A vertically challenged psychic was arrested one day. He escaped from jail and the newspaper headline read, "SMALL MEDIUM AT-LARGE."

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Sci-Fi Jokes

What do you call the Oracle from The Matrix movie, without her guardian?

She's Sans Serif

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Sci-Fi Jokes

I tried to convince my little girl that it's perfectly normal to accidentally роор your pants.
...But she didn't buy it. She's still making fun of me.

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Jokes

3 unwritten rules of life
1)
2)
3)

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Jokes

So the government are finally going to сrаск down on nuisance callers… Good, it will be nice being able to walk down the street without people shouting out at me… “You bald fат specky ugly сunт!”

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Fat Jokes Ugly Jokes

My wife was running a temperature so I rang the doctor. He asked was she hot.
I said, “Well, with a little make-up…”

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Ugly Jokes

“And are you a smoker or a non-smoker?,” asked the lady conducting my interview.
“Only after sеx,” I said, tipping her a wink.
“Are you a smoker or a non-smoker?” she repeated.
“Non- smoker,” I said.

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Sex Jokes Bad Habits Jokes

A dad hires a clown for his kid’s 7th birthday party.
The clown whose drunк gets up in front of the kids, puts his hand in his pocket and says “Right, if you kids can guess what I’ve got in my pocket you win it as a prize”
“Is it a sweet mister?”-
“No it isn’t a sweet”
“Is it a toy mister?” -
“No it’s not a toy either”
“Is it money mister?” - “No it isn’t money”
What is it then?
“IT’S MY СОСК!” shouts the clown-
At this point the kids father grabs the clown and drags him through to the kitchen and says “What the hеll are you playing at? These kids are only 7 years old”
Clown says “Look I’m really sorry- I usually do an adult act and I’m a bit hungover today and accidentally went into the wrong routine- it won’t happen again”
Dad says “It better not or I’ll phone the police- now get back through there and entertain the kids”
Clown gets back up on stage and says “OK kids, lets start again if any of you can guess what I’m holding in my pocket you win it as a prize”
“Is it a sweet mister?”-
“No it’s not a sweet”
“Is it a toy mister?” -
“No it isn’t a toy”
“Is it money mister?” -
“No it isn’t money”
“What is it then?”………….
Clown looks at the father and says “You better phone the police”

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Police Officer Jokes Money jokes Kids Jokes Dad Jokes Bad Habits Jokes

One day, a blonde wanted to travel from America to Europe. She rang a Travel agent to ask how long it would take. Blonde: How long does take to travel to Europe from America?
Travel agent: just a minute,
Blonde: Thanks *hangs up phone*

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