Most popular jokes

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference.
If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

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An aching back sent me stumbling to the drugstore for relief.
After a search, I found what I was looking for: a selection of heating pads specifically for people with back pain—all on the bottom shelf.

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Drug Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Customer service jokes

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

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Dark Humor Jokes Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes One-Liner Jokes Relationship Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Morbid jokes

The wife and I had come to town to pick up a few things.
We came out of one store and saw a cop writing a ticket for illegal parking right in front of us on the curb.
So we asked him nicely to give a couple of retirees a break.
But he paid us no attention and kept writing.
Just loud enough for him to hear, my wife said, "What a Bozo."
The cop looked up, stared at my wife, then started writing out another ticket.
I said, "Honey, this guy probably just learned to read and write, and he's so proud of himself, he's showing off."
The cop tore off the 2nd ticket and started on a third.
We kept making comments and he kept writing tickets till he was up to about half a dozen.
Finally, glaring at us, the cop left, and we walked on down the street.
We didn't care about the tickets.
We always take the bus into town, and anyway, that car was one of those obnoxious Hummers.
Being retired, we always try to find ways to keep ourselves amused.
We feel it's important.

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Police Officer Jokes Old People Jokes Vulgar jokes Communication Jokes

It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.
"Please let me in," says the man desperately. "I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will кill me if I don't come home with one."
"Okay," says the butcher, "let me see what I have left." He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.
"That one is too skinny. What else have you got?" says the man.
The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.
"Oh, no," says the man, "That one doesn't look any better. You'd better give me both of them!"

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Thanksgiving Jokes

Patient: Doctor, I'm thinking that I may be losing my hearing.
Doctor: Can you tell me what you know of the symptoms?
Patient: Homer is bald and fат, Marge has blue hair...

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One-Liner Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, ''I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking.''
''In that case,'' said the patient, ''I'll come back when you're sober''

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

Teacher: What is a synonym?
Student: A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other!

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One-Liner Jokes School Jokes

My daughter told me she saw a deer on the way to school.
Me: “How do you know it was going to school?”

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One-Liner Jokes School Jokes

A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die. Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned the astrologer and gave him this command:
"Prophet, tell me when you will die!"
The astrologer realized that the king was planning to кill him, immediately, no matter what answer he gave. So he said, finally, "I do not know when I will die. I only know that whenever I die, you will die three days later."

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Sick and Death Jokes

A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, slams a book down and screams at the librarian, "This is the worst book I've ever read! It has no plot and far too many characters!"
The librarian looks up and calmly remarks, "So, you're the one who took our phone book..."

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Blonde Jokes

Aladdin has been banned from the magic carpet race.
Apparently he's been using performance enhancing rugs...

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Sports Jokes

A woman tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time.
"How wonderful! I hope you don't mind me asking, what happened to your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"
"He also ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Jokes about Women Food Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

The barbershop was crowded, so the woman at the cash register offered to put my name on the waiting list.
"What is it?" she asked.
"Stephen, with a P-H," I said.
Minutes later, a chair opened up, and my name was called: "Pheven?"

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Customer service jokes Communication Jokes Stupid Jokes Hairdresser Jokes

On the day of my big job interview I woke up late.
Frantically I threw on a suit.
"OH NO!" I thought. "MY TIE! My Dad was out of town and wasn't there to help me, and for the life of me, I did not know how to tie a tie!"
I grabbed a tie and ran out the door.
"Excuse me sir," I said to the crossing guard, "I have an important job interview, can you please help me make this tie?!"
"Sure," said the guard, "just lie down on this bench."
Well if someone was going to help me I wasn't going to ask any questions.
After he finished and the tie looked good I just had to ask why I had to lie down.
"Well in my previous job I learned how to tie ties on other people when they were lying down." he replied.
"What was your previous job?" I asked incredulously.
"I ran a morgue." was the reply.

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Dark Humor Jokes Office and Work Jokes Communication Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well.
They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making.
The woman suddenly соскs her ear and says, "Quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!"
So the man runs into the bathroom.
Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her.
"Why are you nакеd?" he asks.
"Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready for you."
"Okay" the man replies "I'll go get ready."
He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a nакеd man standing there clapping his hands.
"Who the f**k are you?" the man asks.
"I am from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with."
The husband exclaims, "But you are nакеd!"
The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise.
"Those little ваsтаrds!"

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Jokes about Women Sex Jokes Love Jokes

Ford - Fix Or Repair Daily.
Hyundai - Hope You Understand Nothing`s Driveable And Inexpensive
Pontiac - Poor Old Niggеr Things It`s Cadillac
SAAB - Sad Attempt At Beauty
KIA - Killed In Assembly
Volvo - Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
Buick - Big Ugly Indestuctible Car Killer
Dodge - Dead Old Dog Going East; Dead On Delivery, Go Easy
GM - Great Mistake

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Car and driving jokes Dog jokes

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

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Men vs Women Jokes Jokes about Women

Three women were debating about how wide their рussy are.
The first one said: "When my husband makes sеx he puts his реnis and his testicles in my рussy."
The second lady said: "Wooo when we are in bed my husband puts his hand and his arm in mine."
It was the turn of the third woman that pointed to her рussy and said: Jimy; Jimy come out, please."

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Sex Jokes Jokes about Women Dirty jokes Communication Jokes

I'm a wine enthusiast. The more wine I drink, the more enthusiastic I get.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Wine jokes

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