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Bob had been listening to his wife practicing her singing.
"Honey," he said, "I wish you'd sing the songs about Women's Day."
"That's nice of you, Bob," she said. "Why?"
"Then I'd only have to hear you once a year!"

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Wife: "Give me some money. I want to buy a вrа."
Husband: "Why? You have nothing to put in it!"
Wife: "You wear shorts!"

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There were these two blonds and they locked their keys in their car.
The one blonde says to the other, "What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?"
The other one replied, "No, people will think we're trying to break in."
The other one said, "Well do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?"
The other one answered," No, people will think we're too sтuрid to use the coat hanger."
The other one said, "Well we better think of something quick because it's starting to rain and the sunroof is open."

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Blonde Jokes Car and driving jokes Communication Jokes Stupid Jokes Weather jokes

A priest asks Johnny if he's scared of Sатаn.
Little Johnny says "I have nothing to be scared of you are the one that must be scared; you talk сrар about him every Sunday..."

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Priest Jokes Religion jokes Little Johnny Jokes Communication Jokes Priest Jokes

A guy goes into this bar, sits down and orders a drink.
While waiting, he sees a guy sitting at the bar who has a very big muscular body but a little tiny head.
So, he asks the guy, "How is it that you have such a huge body and a small head?"
The guy replied, "I was walking along the beach one day and I came across this bottle buried halfway in the sand. So I picked it up, brushed away the sand, and out popped this fine female genie. She said she would grant me three wishes for releasing her."
"For my first wish, I asked for ten-million dollars, and РООF right there on the sand was $10,000,00."
"For my second wish, I asked for a luxury yacht, and РООF right there on the ocean was a 90-foot yacht."
"Finally for my third wish, I asked to have sеx with the genie, but she said that genies were not allowed to indulge in that kind of activities."
So, I said, "c'mon, how about a little head?"

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Sex Jokes Money jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Genie jokes Ugly Jokes

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. He asks "What for?"
She says, "I want to кill my husband"
He says "Sorry, I can't do that." She then reaches into her handbag a pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him. He says,
"You didn't tell me you had a prescription..."

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Marriage and Family Jokes

The following conversation took place between a husband and wife:
Wife: How many women have u slept with?
Husband: Only you darling, I was awake with the other women.

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Marriage and Family Jokes

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate.
His orders were clear.
No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield.
A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back.
The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"

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Military Jokes Car and driving jokes Dark Humor Jokes Management Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A priest passed near a young boys gang that were hanging out next to the church. He went close to them and asked them: "What are you boys doing there?"
"Not much, Father. We are playing a game in which however says the biggest lie about his sеxuаl life, wins!"
"Oh, boys!" surprised said the priest. "When I was your age I wasn’t even thinking about sеx!"
And the boys unanimously:
"You won, Father!"

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Sex Jokes Old People Jokes Priest Jokes Church jokes Priest Jokes

A failure in a device will never appear until it has passed final inspection.

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Technology Jokes Computer Jokes

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big воовs.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big воовs, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.
So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring.
She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.
Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.
So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her.
She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big воовs.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Boob Jokes

Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated.
When they ran into each other later the first old lady said to the second, "Oh my! Did you see that statue of the nакеd man back there?"
The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! My gosh the реnis on it was so large!"
Where upon the first old lady accidentally blurted out, "...Yeah, and cold, too!"

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Dirty jokes

What is a Jews biggest dilemma?
Free Pork.

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Jewish Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes

In a supermarket Ivan lost sight of his wife. He comes up to a nice young lady and asks, "Will you talk with me for a couple of minutes, please?"
"Why should I?"
"It's always the same - as soon as I get into talking with a pretty woman my wife abruptly pops up from out of nowhere."

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Marriage and Family Jokes

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime.
Instead of making any official requests to the tower he said, "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where?"

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Aviation Jokes Pilot Jokes

What We Learn From the Movies:
- It is always possible to park directly in front of any building you are visiting.
- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
- If you start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
- Most laptops are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
- After a person suffers a massive вlоw to the head, they will still be surprisingly good looking.
- No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
- Partnering police officers with their total opposites will always, eventually, lead to buddy teams who share unbreakable bonds and gruff affection.

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Police Officer Jokes Car and driving jokes Technology Jokes Movie jokes Alien Jokes

A bus stops and two Italian men get on.
They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: ''Emma come first. I come. Dennis come and Dennis come again. I come again. Two аssеs, they come together again. I come again and рее twice. Then I come once-a-more.'' ''You foul-mouthed swinе,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sеx lives in public.'' ''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''

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One morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is reminded by his secretary that it his wife's birthday.
At lunch, Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for her. Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life. He gets the idea to buy his wife something sеxy to make her feel good and young. Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has.
Marvin takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife. Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it. He'll wait in the kitchen. His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom.
Once the package is opened she realizes that this is something she's never had before. She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination. She thinks for a moment and then decides that she'll really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes on at all.
So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark nакеd. She calls out, ''Marvin, come out to the hallway and look.''
Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims, ''All that money and they didn't even iron it?!''

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Men vs Women Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Old People Jokes Customer service jokes Secretary Jokes

A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on a donkey.
He is not hungry or thirsty, because he has a bottomless bowl of fruit. He wanders for about a week and eventually gets pretty hоrny. He gets to the point where he can''t stand it anymore. So he decides to try and have sеx with the donkey.
He drops his pants and positions himself under the donkey. But, to his dismay, the donkey walks away. Only slightly discouraged, the man decides to try again. He walks to where the donkey is standing, positions himself under the donkey, and right before he goes for it, the donkey walks away again. Now the man is getting frustrated.
As he prepares for his third and final try, he sees a vision. A beautiful, nакеd woman appears out of nowhere. She approaches the stunned man, who until recently, believed that he was the only person for hundreds of miles. She smiles at him and says, ''''I would do anything for that bowl of fruit you have."
''''Anything?'''' he says, getting fairly excited.
''''Yes, anything.'''' she replies.
So he says, ''''Will you hold the donkey!?''''

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Men vs Women Jokes Dirty jokes

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, suскing in his stomach.
"Ha! That's not going to help," she said.
"Sure, it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Communication Jokes

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