Most popular jokes

One morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is reminded by his secretary that it his wife's birthday.
At lunch, Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for her. Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life. He gets the idea to buy his wife something sеxy to make her feel good and young. Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has.
Marvin takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife. Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it. He'll wait in the kitchen. His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom.
Once the package is opened she realizes that this is something she's never had before. She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination. She thinks for a moment and then decides that she'll really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes on at all.
So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark nакеd. She calls out, ''Marvin, come out to the hallway and look.''
Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims, ''All that money and they didn't even iron it?!''

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A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on a donkey.
He is not hungry or thirsty, because he has a bottomless bowl of fruit. He wanders for about a week and eventually gets pretty hоrny. He gets to the point where he can''t stand it anymore. So he decides to try and have sеx with the donkey.
He drops his pants and positions himself under the donkey. But, to his dismay, the donkey walks away. Only slightly discouraged, the man decides to try again. He walks to where the donkey is standing, positions himself under the donkey, and right before he goes for it, the donkey walks away again. Now the man is getting frustrated.
As he prepares for his third and final try, he sees a vision. A beautiful, nакеd woman appears out of nowhere. She approaches the stunned man, who until recently, believed that he was the only person for hundreds of miles. She smiles at him and says, ''''I would do anything for that bowl of fruit you have."
''''Anything?'''' he says, getting fairly excited.
''''Yes, anything.'''' she replies.
So he says, ''''Will you hold the donkey!?''''

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Men vs Women Jokes Dirty jokes

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, suскing in his stomach.
"Ha! That's not going to help," she said.
"Sure, it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Communication Jokes

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.

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Police Officer Jokes Office and Work Jokes Car and driving jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like heck. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.
There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urinе sample, and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - a lot cheaper than a doctor.
So, Joe deposits a urinе sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urinе sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:'You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Costco'That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urinе samples from his wife and daughter, and a sреrм sample from himself for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a сосаinе habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant -- Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Costco!

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Lawyer Jokes Dog jokes

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him ina typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. “Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir” says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
“What are those?, asks the attendant.
“They’re called tees” replies Tiger.
“Well, what on the god’s earth are dey for?” inquires the Irishman.
“They’re for resting my ваlls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger.
“Fookin Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “BMW thinks of everything!”

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Sports Jokes Golf jokes Irish jokes BMW jokes

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline.
I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

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Military Jokes Office and Work Jokes

A little old lady went to the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money.
She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.
She replied, "$165,000" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your ваlls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a sтuрid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my ваlls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 A.M. as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his ваlls, turning from side to side, again and again.
He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his ваlls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 A.M., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office.
She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet" "$25,000 says the president's ваlls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.
The president complied.
The little old lady peered closely at his ваlls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly ваnging his head against the wall.
The president asked the old lady, "What the hеll's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 A.M. today, I'd have the Bank of Canada's president's ваlls in my hand."

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Lawyer Jokes Money jokes Dirty jokes Old People Jokes Banker Jokes Superhero Jokes

Guy: "You see doc, the problem is obesity runs in the family."
Doctor: "No, the problem is no one runs in your family."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Sports Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

Three guys (Asian, American, and a Mexican) are on a hot air balloon trying to get back home.
Something punctured the hot air balloon so now its going down really fast.
The three guys decided to throw stuff that they don't need away so the balloon won't fall down too fast.
The Asian threw away rice and said, "I have a lot of this in my country."
The Mexican threw away beans and said, "I have a lot of this in my country."
The American threw over the Mexican.
The Asian was like, "Why did you do that for?"
The American said, "We have a lot of these in my country."

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes American Jokes

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, “Up Nuts”, and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, “Down Nuts”, and they all sat back down in their seats. After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, “Cheer Nuts” They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, “Booooo Nuts” and they all started booing and cat calling. Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a вееr and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his missing assistant, the doctor asked:” What in the world happened?”
The assistant replied: “Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, “PEANUTS!”

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Sports Jokes Nationality Jokes Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes

Q: What's the best form of birth control after 50?
A: Nudiтy.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: What's the fastest way to a mans heart?
A: Through the chest with a sharp knife.
Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.
Q: Why is it hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.
Q: Why does the bride wear white?
A: Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
Q: How do you know when you are really ugly?
A: Dogs huмр your leg with their eyes closed.
Q: How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends,"
Q: Why did god create alcohol?
A: So ugly people could have sеx,too.
Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"
Q: What's the difference between Вееr Nuts and Deer Nuts?
A: Вееr nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A: A speech impediment.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Вrеаsт don't have eyes.
Q: What's the difference between a northern fairy-tale and a southern fairy-tale?
A: A northern fairy-tale begins "Once upon a time" a southern fairy-tale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this сrар."

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Blonde Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes Dog jokes

Pickpocket (visiting friend in jail): "I hired a lawyer for you this morning, Slim, but I had to hand him my Rolex as a retainer."
Slim: "Did he keep it?"
Pickpocket: "He thinks he did."

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Judge and Court Jokes One-Liner Jokes Lawyer Jokes

Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he веnт down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear!
Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?"
Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did."
She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday. Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sеx for a few hours and then Jeff left. Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife,
"Did Jeff come by this afternoon?"
Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."
Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?"
Sandy thought, 'Oh hеll, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."
"Good," Dave says."Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."

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Sex Jokes Friday jokes

A preacher on his deathbed summoned his doctor and his lawyer. They came, and he asked them to sit on either side of his bed and hold his hands. They sat thus for a long while until the doctor stirred and said:
”You don’t have long on this earth, Reverend. Better tell us why you asked us to come.”
The old preacher stirred himself wheezed and said:
”Well, Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s the way I want to go too.”

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Judge and Court Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Lawyer Jokes

Q: What is a difference between "accident " and "tragedy"?
A: Suppose you with the family are beside a pool. You suddenly push your mother in law into the pool - so it's an accident. If she could swim and gets out, in that case, it's a tragedy!

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Mother-in-Law Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

Every box of raisins is a tragic tale of grapes that could have been wine.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Food Jokes Wine jokes

"Daddy, there is a man at the door. He says he is collecting for the nursing home."
"That's perfect. Tell him grandpa is coming in a moment."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Dad Jokes

At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover three holes in our wall."

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Kids Jokes Customer service jokes

As I shopped, the following announcement came over the department store's PA system:
"If someone here has a convertible with the top down, it just started raining. Towels are located in aisle five."

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Car and driving jokes Customer service jokes Weather jokes

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