Most Popular Jokes

To celebrate their 7th anniversary, a man and his wife spend the weekend at an exclusive golf resort.
He is a pretty good golfer, but she only just started.
When they head down to the golf course after a lavish lunch and a bottle of champagne, they notice a beautiful mansion a couple of hundred yards behind the first hole.
"Let's be extra careful, honey," the husband says, "If we damage that house over there, it'll cost us a fortune."
The wife nods, tees off and - ваng! - sends the ball right through the window of the mansion.
"Jesus Сhrisт," the husband says. "I told you to watch out for that house. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see what the damage is."
They walk up to the house and knock on the door.
"Come on in," a voice in the house says.
The couple open the door and enter the foyer.
The living room is a mess.
There are pieces of glass all over the floor and a broken bottle near the window.
A man sits on the couch.
When the couple enter the room, he gets up and says, "Are you the guys who just broke my window?"
"Um, yeah," the husband replies, "sorry about that."
"Not at all, it's me who has to thank you. I'm a genie and was trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. You've just released me. To show my gratitude, I'm allowed to grant each of you a wish. But - I'll require one favor in return."
"Really? That's great!" the husband says. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem - that's the least I can do. And you, what do you want?" the genie asks, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," the wife says.
The genie smiles. "Consider it done."
"And what's this favor we must grant in return, genie?" the husband asks.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that sтuрid bottle for the last thousand years, I haven't had sеx with a woman for a very long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband scratches his head, looks at the wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all these houses, honey. So I guess I'm fine if it's alright with you."
The genie and the wife disappear in a room upstairs and make love for an hour, while the husband stays in the living room.
When they are done, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife and asks, "How old exactly is your husband?"
"31," she replies.
"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"
1. Is it good if a vacuum really suскs?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fат chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game"when we are already there?
10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is вrа singular and раnтiеs plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote controlwhen you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?I dunno, why do we?
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said:
"You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...
o O
...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy,
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?", "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)
O o I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your аsshоlе before prison, ..."
INFORMATION YOU NEED TO HELP YOU CHOOSE YOUR NEXT HEALTH PLAN ..
Q: What does HMO stand for?
A: This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges,who discovered that a patient could be made to forgetabout the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.
Q: I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctorI want?
A: Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Yourinsurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into twocategories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longerparticipating in the plan. But don't worry; the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has anoffice just a half-day's drive away and has a diploma from a Third World Country.
Q: Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A: No. Only those you need.
Q: Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
Q: What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A: You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q: My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the namebrand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. Whatshould I do?
A: Poke yourself in the eye.
Q: What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A: You really shouldn't do that.
Q: I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform aheart transplant right in his office?
A: Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $15 co-payment, there's no harm in giving him a shot at it.