Most popular jokes

90% of programmer errors come from data from other programmers.

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To celebrate their 7th anniversary, a man and his wife spend the weekend at an exclusive golf resort.
He is a pretty good golfer, but she only just started.
When they head down to the golf course after a lavish lunch and a bottle of champagne, they notice a beautiful mansion a couple of hundred yards behind the first hole.
"Let's be extra careful, honey," the husband says, "If we damage that house over there, it'll cost us a fortune."
The wife nods, tees off and - ваng! - sends the ball right through the window of the mansion.
"Jesus Сhrisт," the husband says. "I told you to watch out for that house. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see what the damage is."
They walk up to the house and knock on the door.
"Come on in," a voice in the house says.
The couple open the door and enter the foyer.
The living room is a mess.
There are pieces of glass all over the floor and a broken bottle near the window.
A man sits on the couch.
When the couple enter the room, he gets up and says, "Are you the guys who just broke my window?"
"Um, yeah," the husband replies, "sorry about that."
"Not at all, it's me who has to thank you. I'm a genie and was trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. You've just released me. To show my gratitude, I'm allowed to grant each of you a wish. But - I'll require one favor in return."
"Really? That's great!" the husband says. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem - that's the least I can do. And you, what do you want?" the genie asks, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," the wife says.
The genie smiles. "Consider it done."
"And what's this favor we must grant in return, genie?" the husband asks.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that sтuрid bottle for the last thousand years, I haven't had sеx with a woman for a very long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband scratches his head, looks at the wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all these houses, honey. So I guess I'm fine if it's alright with you."
The genie and the wife disappear in a room upstairs and make love for an hour, while the husband stays in the living room.
When they are done, the genie rolls over, looks at the wife and asks, "How old exactly is your husband?"
"31," she replies.
"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes Genie jokes Golf jokes

I discovered that I'd spent an hour walking around a mall with a shoe store's "Feel the Comfort" sticker stuck to my body.
More humiliating?
It was attached to my left вrеаsт.

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Business jokes Office and Work Jokes Dirty jokes

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy scout and a pastor were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out. The lawyer then said "I'm the smartest man in the world, I deserve to live!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped, also. The pastor looked at the little boy scout and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."The little boy scout handed the parachute back to the pastor and said "Not to worry, Preacher. 'The smartest man in the world' just jumped out with my back pack."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Lawyer Jokes Aviation Jokes Military Jokes Pilot Jokes

An insurance agent's wife was learning to drive when the brakes failed.
"What should I do?" she cried.
"Brace yourself, and try to hit something cheap."

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One-Liner Jokes Insurance Comedy

1. Is it good if a vacuum really suскs?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fат chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game"when we are already there?
10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is вrа singular and раnтiеs plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote controlwhen you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?I dunno, why do we?

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Christmas Jokes

Q: What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction?
A: What the Fuск! and What a Fuск!

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Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Communication Jokes

Q: What is the first symptom of AIDS?
A: A sharp pain in the аss.

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Dirty jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Sex Jokes

Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.
Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, 'Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!'
The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.

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Lawyer Jokes Food Jokes

A man called, furious about an Orlando, Florida, vacation package we had booked for him:
He was expecting an ocean-view hotel room.
I explained that was not possible since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
"Don't lie to me," he said. "I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state."

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Customer service jokes Stupid Jokes Phone jokes Hotel Jokes

An angry wife to her husband on phone:
"Where the hеll are you?"
Husband:
"Darling, you remember that jewelery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn't have money that time, and I said 'Baby it'll be yours one day'?"
Wife, with a smile and blushing:
"Yeah I remember that my love!"
Husband:
"I'm in the pub just next to that shop."

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Men jokes

Q: Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?
A: At the casketeria. Q: What part of the street do vampires live on?
A: The dead end. Q: What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin-pi! Q: What can you say about a horrible mummy joke?
A: It Sphinx! Q: What do you call a vampire that lives in a kitchen?
A: Count Spatula. Q: What do ghosts wear when their eyesight gets blurred?
A: Spooktacles Q: What would be the national holiday for a nation of vampires?
A: Fangs-giving! Q: What’s a zombie’s favorite cereal?
A: Rice Creepies. Q: Where do ghosts go on holidays?
A: The Boohamas. Q: What did one ghost say to the other?
A: Get a life! Q: What did the fisherman say on Halloween?
A: Trick or trout. How do ghosts search the Q: Web?
A: They use ghoul-gle. Q: What goes around a haunted house and never stops?
A: A fence. Q: Who do monsters buy cookies from?
A: Ghoul scouts. Q: Why is a cemetery a great place to write a story?
A: Because there are so many plots there! Q: Why do Jack-o-lanterns have wicked smiles?
A: Because they just had their brains scooped out! Q: Where is the best place to party on Halloween?
A: The g-RAVE-yard. Q: Why did the baby wrap itself in white cloth strips?
A: It was just trying to be just like its mummy. Q: Why do ghosts like to hang out at bars?
A: Because all of the Boos. Q: Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
A: No body.

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Halloween Jokes One-Liner Jokes Vampire jokes

It's been a bit of a strange day!
First I found a hat full of money.
Then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar...

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Jokes

A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nudе beach.
As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had воовs вiggеr than his mother's, and asked her why.
She told her son, "The вiggеr they are the dumber the person is."
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger williеs than his dad. His mother replied, "The вiggеr they are the dumber the person is."
Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again.
He promptly tells his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

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Men vs Women Jokes Kids Jokes Old People Jokes Stupid Jokes Boob Jokes

Breaking news: A man was admitted to the hospital today with 23 plastic toy horses inserted in his rестuм.
Doctors have described his condition as stable.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

Why can't 2 Asians make a white baby?
Because 2 Wongs don't make a white.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Asian jokes Black People Jokes

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said:
"You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...
o O
...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy,
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?", "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)
O o I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your аsshоlе before prison, ..."

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Judge and Court Jokes Men jokes Drug Jokes Prison Jokes Bad Habits Jokes Monday jokes Friday jokes

INFORMATION YOU NEED TO HELP YOU CHOOSE YOUR NEXT HEALTH PLAN ..
Q: What does HMO stand for?
A: This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges,who discovered that a patient could be made to forgetabout the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.
Q: I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctorI want?
A: Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Yourinsurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into twocategories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longerparticipating in the plan. But don't worry; the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has anoffice just a half-day's drive away and has a diploma from a Third World Country.
Q: Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A: No. Only those you need.
Q: Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
Q: What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A: You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q: My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the namebrand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. Whatshould I do?
A: Poke yourself in the eye.
Q: What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A: You really shouldn't do that.
Q: I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform aheart transplant right in his office?
A: Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $15 co-payment, there's no harm in giving him a shot at it.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Military Jokes Insurance Comedy

g down the road, and spotted anotherblonde in the middle of a hayfield rowing a boat.
She stoppedthe car, got out and went to the shoulder of the road, andyelled, "You know, it's blondes like you that give blondes abad name!, and if I could swim I would come out there andkick your аss!"

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Blonde Jokes

A judge, bored and frustrated by a lawyer's tedious arguments, had made numerous rulings to speed the trial along. The attorney had bristled at the judge's orders, and their tempers grew hot.
Finally, frustrated with another repetition of arguments he had heard many times before, the judge pointed to his ear and said,
"Counselor, you should be aware that at this point, what you are saying is just going in one ear and out the other."
"Your honor," replied the lawyer, "That goes without saying. What is there to prevent it?"

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Judge and Court Jokes Lawyer Jokes

Most Popular Jokes