Most popular jokes

A busload of retired Americans was touring Switzerland. On the third day, they visited a farm known for its excellent quality goat cheese.
The young farmer's wife gave them a tour, a cheese making a demonstration, and finally some samples.
As the retirees were tasting the cheeses, she pointed to a pasture full of goats.
She said, "This is a special pasture where we let our older goats graze happily after they can no longer give milk. In the United States, what do you do with your old goats?"
An old lady piped up, "Honey, they take us on bus tours."

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An aircraft is flying when all over sudden a bird crashes through the cockpit and kills both the pilot and co pilot.
Having heard the crash a blonde flight attendant rushes in to find out what happened.
Once inside the cockpit the plane jerks and the cabin door slams shut and can't be opened.
So she pulls the captain out of his seat and sits down, taking the radio into her hands and says,
"May Day! May Day! Help Me! Help Me! The pilots are dead and I don't know how to fly. Help Me! Please Help Me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position!"
"I'm 5'4 and in the front seat of the plane."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio. "Repeat after me: Our father who art in heaven..."

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Aviation Jokes Blonde Jokes Animal Jokes Stupid Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes Military Jokes Pilot Jokes

What constitutes a big breakfast? Well, in France, an egg is an oeuf to eat.

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Nationality Jokes One-Liner Jokes

A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30. So she decided to be considerate and not rouse him this time. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nudе into the bedroom, only to find him sitting up in bed, reading."Oh No!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose EVERYTHING?!?"

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Friendship Jokes

Lexicographer Noah Webster was blessed with define inspiration.

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One-Liner Jokes

I'm reading an incredibly interesting book about antigravity. "I just can't put it down."
I am reading a book on the paranormal, I didn't buy it it just appeared....
I just *know* someone is going to post about the psychic's book...
I was going to buy "The power of Positive Thought", but what's the point..
I heard about a great book concerning how to deal with apathy but Icouldn't be bothered to go to the store and buy it.
I tried reading a book about natural fertilizers for your gardenbut it was full of сrар.
I was going to buy a book on curing procrastination but I put of untiltomorrow....or maybe the day after.
I tried to read a book on curing insomnia, but I kept falling asleep.

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Jokes

Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.

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One-Liner Jokes

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting!”
So we stopped playing chess.

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One-Liner Jokes

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Anarchy is better than no government at all.
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

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Political Jokes

Republicans only seem to care about people's health when they haven't been born yet!

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Republican jokes

I don't like the term "аnаl bleaching".
I prefer "changing your ringtone."

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Dirty jokes Gross Jokes Communication Jokes

There was an ad in the newspaper:
An agriculturist looks for a woman with a tractor.
The photo of the tractor is required.

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Jokes about Women Car and driving jokes Men jokes

Q: What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet?
A: Lost.

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Accountant Jokes Office and Work Jokes Technology Jokes Computer Jokes

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a wееd and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. Life is sexually transmitted An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, “Quit while you're ahead?” Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. Health nuts are going to feel sтuрid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents? In the 60′s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these terrorists — most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration…

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Jokes

A magician comes to a seniors' home for entertainment afternoon: "Aaaaand? Is everybody heeere?"
Seniors, enthusiastically, "Yeaaaah!"
Magician, winking, "But not for looooong...!"

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Dark Humor Jokes Old People Jokes Vulgar jokes Communication Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Have you heard about the Viаgrа computer virus?
It turns your 3 1/2 inch floppy into a hard disk.

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Geek jokes Dirty jokes Computer Jokes Viagra jokes

I'm so hipster, even I've never heard of my favorite band.

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Hipster Jokes Music and Musician Jokes

John comes home and notices his wife nакеd in bed and the postman standing with his unzipped trousers next to the bed.
The postman wants to save the situation so he says quickly: "Mrs. Ann, I warn you for the last time! If you do not sign this letter so I will рее on your brand-new carpet."

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I ordered a foot-long sandwich from a take-out restaurant and asked the clerk to cut it into fourths.
"I'm sorry, I can't," she said. "I already cut it in half."

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Office and Work Jokes Food Jokes Math Jokes Customer service jokes Stupid Jokes Restaurant Jokes

A 21-year-old is hired by a hardware store. He shows up for his first day of work at 8 AM sharp.
The boss welcomes him, then hands him a broom.
"First, sweep out the store. Then I'll show you where the window cleaning equipment is."
"Sir," the young man protests. "You can't be serious. I'm a college graduate."
"Oh, sorry," says the manager, pointing to the broom. "No problem. I can show you how that thing works."

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