Newest jokes - Page 2360

I'm dressing as a democrat this Halloween. I'm going to take half of all the kids candy and give it to the kids who were too lazy to go trick-r-treating.

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An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor.
When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”
Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?”
The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.”
The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?”
The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Old People Jokes

The Magic Mountain …
…
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scottish man go to a magic mountain where you go down the slide and shout what you want and you will land in it. …
….
The Scottish man goes down and shouts “вееr!” and lands in a lake of вееr.
The Englishman goes down and shouts “gold!” and lands in a large рот of gold.
The Irishman goes down and is going “wwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeee ! wwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeee !”
… and lands in a lake of urinе.

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Men jokes Irish jokes Beer Jokes

One day in New York City, a banker was driving his new Jaguar down the streets. He parked it and opened the door to get out. Suddenly a taxi went by and ripped the door off. The driver reported this to a nearby police officer. The officer saw the whole thing and said "You bankers are so involved in your possessions. You didn't even notice that your arm was ripped off as well" The banker stared at where his arm used to be and said "OH NO! My new Rolex is gone too!"

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Office and Work Jokes Police Officer Jokes Business jokes Banker Jokes

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink.
His friends plead with him to let them take him home.
He says no -- he only lives a mile away.
About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line.
Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in their area.
The police tell the drunк party animal to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.
The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home.
When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.
A few hours later the police knock on the door.
They ask if Mr. SMITH is there and his wife says yes.
They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.
The police have his driver's license.
They ask to see his car and she asks why.
They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find their police car, with the lights still flashing.

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Animal Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Police Officer Jokes Friendship Jokes Car and driving jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

Where did Saddam Hussein keep his CDs?
In Iraq.

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Military Jokes

What do you call a group of black people.
An auction.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Black People Jokes

A little girl and her older brother were visiting their grandfather's farm. The older brother decided to play a trick on his younger sister. He told her that he discovered a man-eating chicken. The girl was frightened, and ran inside in fear. Then the older brother heard his little sister scream. He ran inside immediately. She was screaming at their grandfather, who was chowing down on a plate of fried chicken. "What is it?" he asked. The sister turned to him in fear and said," It- it's- IT'S A MAN EATING CHICKEN!!!"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Grandparent Jokes

I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere

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One-Liner Jokes Police Officer Jokes

I just changed my Facebook password to ’14 days’ but it said it was ‘Too weak

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Facebook Jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes

Your moms like a christmass tree all the guys put there ваlls on her.

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Christmas Jokes Yo Momma Jokes

She’s like train tracks – she’s been laid across the country.

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Sex Jokes

Redneck goes into a doctors Anant and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me. I just can't stop having sеx!"
"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor anant asks.
"Well, twice a day I have sеx with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back.
"That's not so much", says dr anant.
"Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sеx with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man.
"Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor.
"Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sеx with my neighbour pakistani lady, TWICE a day," says the redneck
"Well, that's definitely to much", says the dr Anant. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand."
"I do", says the redneck. "Twice a day !!!

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Redneck jokes Sex Jokes Secretary Jokes

There's this drunк standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says,
"What do you think you're doing?"
The drunк says,
"I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house.
Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes

My grandparents once told me...
"Son be grateful for what you have, because there are fат people starving in America."

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USA Jokes Fat Jokes

Show me a man with a nub for an index finger, and I'll show you a man that asked Chuck Norris to "Pull my Finger"

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Chuck Norris Jokes Men jokes

The keyboard is painted in camouflage.

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Programmer Jokes Computer Jokes

The Creation of the PC
1. In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte.
And from those he created the Word.
2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed.
And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.
3. And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened.
And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places.
And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.
4. And God said - Let the computers be,
So there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and
Compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.
5. And there was no Software yet.
But God created programs; small and big... And told them:
Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.
6. And God said - I will create the Programmer;
And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers
And programs and Data.
7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center;
And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said
You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE Windows.
8. And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone.
He took a воnе from the Programmer's body and created a creature that
Would look up at the Programmer, and admire the Programmer, and love the
Things the Programmer does;
And God called the creature: the User.
9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the nакеd DOS and it
Was Good.
10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God.
And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any
Programs ?
11. And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program
And every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.
12. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you
Did not even try?
The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God.
You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your
Mouse.
13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and
Easier to use.
And the User saw that any knowledge was useless since Windows could
Replace it.
14. So the User installed the Windows on his computer;
And said to the Programmer that it was good.
15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers.
And God asked him - What are you looking for?
And the Programmer answered - I am looking for new drivers because I
Can not find them in the DOS.
And God said - Who told you that you need drivers? Did you run Windows?
And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to !
16. And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated by
All the creatures.
And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell
Windows.
17. And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows
Will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to
Use lousy programs;
And you will always rely on the Programmers help.
18. And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User
You will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will
Have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.
19. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and
Secured it with a password.
20. General protection fault

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God Jokes Computer Jokes Military Jokes Programmer Jokes

Chuck Norris once spelled the entire alphabet using only M&Ms.

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Chuck Norris Jokes

Girl: come over orphan: I can’t
Girl: my parents aren’t home orphan: oh cool something we have in common

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Jokes about Women

Latest Jokes