Newest jokes - Page 281

The Taco Веll Chihuahua, a Doberman and a bulldog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female collie comes up to them and says, ''Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.
'' The Doberman says, ''I love liver and cheese.'' The collie replies, ''That's not good enough.'' The bulldog says, ''I hate liver and cheese.'' She says, ''That's not creative.'' Finally the Chihuahua says, ''Liver alone - cheese mine.''

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Two guys are drinking together, when one of them throws up all over himself. "Сhrisт!" he says, "My wife is going to кill me."
His friend puts his arm around his shoulder and offers him 20 dollars. "Don't worry," he says, "I'm your best friend - give her this and tell her that I chucked up on your jacket, and that I gave you this money to get it cleaned." "Fantastic," says the first guy. "You're amassing, really the best." Arriving home, the poor guy's wife opens the door. "Where the hеll have you been, look at the state of you..." she kicks off. Quickly he replies, "Look love, it's not really my fault. Jack threw up all over me, but you know he's really a nice guy 'cos he gave me 20 bucks to get my jacket cleaned..." "But there are 40 dollars here," she replies. "Oh, yeh, I forgot to tell you," he says, "Jack sat in my trousers as well."

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

A very sick man is in the hospital, and on many drugs which give him воwеl problems. After many false alarms, he accidentally craps himself.
Very embarrassed, he ваlls up the sheets and throws them out the window, where a drunк is staggering on the way home. The drunк starts flailing at the sheets, throwing his arms around wildly. A security officer runs over, hearing the commotion.
"What's going on here?"
"I don't know, officer. But I think I just beat the сrар out of a ghost."

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him. "Hello there," says the man, "and what is your name?"
"Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?"
"I'm Jim."
"Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??"
"Sure!" replies Jim, "Let's go!"
So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk.
"Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk," Jim says. "Yes? And what about it?" asks Stacey.
"Is it your brother?"
"No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles.
Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband. When he finally asks,
"Is it your husband?" Stacey giggles even more,
"No, silly!"
Jim was relieved.
"Then, it must be your boyfriend!"
Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!!"
"Then, who is it?" Jim asks. Stacey replies,
"That's me BEFORE my operation!!"

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes Sexist Jokes

Two blondes walked in to a bar...
Thought they'd see that coming.

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Blonde Jokes

How does one become sтоnеd drunк?
Drink wet cement.

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

Q: Why was the skeleton so cool?
A: He was bad to the воnе.

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a вееr and a mop!

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Beer Jokes

A young man sits down at a bar and says, "I want six shots of Jagermeister."
"Six shots!?" exclaims the bartender, "Are you celebrating something?"
"My first вlоw job," replies the young man.
"Well, in that case," says the bartender, slapping him on the back, "let me give you a seventh on the house."
The man holds up his hand, "No offense, sir. But if six shots don't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

Sitting at a Bar...
A woman is sitting at a bar, enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends, when an exceptionally tall, handsome, sеxy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young man noticed her overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being rude and staring, the young man said to her ''I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to so, no matter how кinкy, for $100, on one condition.'' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, ''You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'' The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse five $20 bills, which she slowly counted into the young man's outstretched hand. She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly, meaningfully, said ''Clean my house.''

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"I met my wife at a singles' bar."
"Really?"
"I thought she was home with the kids."

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

A man walks into a bar. The bartender says to the guy, "What can I get you?"
"Make it a whiskey," says the man who promptly throws it down in one gulp.
"That will be three dollars," says the bartender.
"Sсrеw you!" says the man. "You offered to get me something. I thought you were paying."
"Get out," says the bartender. "You're banned. I don't need your сrар."
Two years later, the same man walks into same bar with the same bartender.
The bartender looks at him and says, "You're the a**hole who tried to соn a drink out of me, aren't you?"
"Excuse me, but I have no idea what you are talking about," says the customer. "I've never been to this bar before in my life!"
"Sorry. My mistake," says the bartender. "You must have a double."
"Hey thanks, dude!" says the customer. "Make it whiskey."

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Two cups of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here."
One cup of yogurt says, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Blue Collar Jokes

A man would come home very late and very drunк every night. His wife decides to teach him a lesson by dressing up like Sатаn and scaring him.
When he finally stumbles across the lawn, his wife jumps out and howls like a demon.
He looks at her and slurs, "You don't scare me. I'm married to your sister!"

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

You got any overdue library books?
'Cause you got fine written all over you!

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes

John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?
Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Nationality Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Q: How does a man plan for the future?
A: He buys two cases of вееr.

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A Scottish man heads for home after spending the whole night in a bar drinking.
He was carrying his little Scotch bottle in the left shirt pocket just in case. Suddenly, a robber appears and threatens him with a gun. The Scot gets scared, and the attacker shoots, aiming towards his heart, and then runs away.
The Scot falls down, puts his hand on his left pocket and feels something wet. He cries, ''Oh my God! I hope it's blood!'' '

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A ham sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

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