Newest jokes - Page 281

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The bartender pours the man a drink on the house and he puts the rat and piano away.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pockets again and pulls out the tiny rat and tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into a third pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it," the man answered. "The frog was nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

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My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie.
He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish.
He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish."
The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible.
Some things just can't be changed.
Do you have another wish?"
The guys says 'Well...for my whole life I've never receievd оrаl sеx from my wife.
That would be my wish."
The genie pauses for another moment and then says "How would you define peace?"

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Men jokes Sex Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes

Nurse: "If youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half."
Me: [visibly confused]
Wife: "The grapes, not the baby."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Nurse jokes Baby Jokes

I was eating and enjoying my food when a man entered into the restaurant where i was eating with a brief case.
I guess he is a politician cause his dressing and рот belly portrays it.
He walked and sat down as every body looked at him.
Suddenly a woman came to him and started crying.
The woman knelt down and told him that her children die of hunger since her husband died.
This man opened the brief case and gave this woman five thousand dollars.
The woman jumped up and left the scene in happiness.
I was still watching when another man started crying and came to him. He knelt down and begged him that he need a money to establish a business.
This man brought out three hundred thousand dollars cheque and gave it to this man.
This time, i started murmuring and practicing on the lie i will вlоw to have my own national cake.
I started crying and came to the man. Immediately i knelt down, I heard "Cut! cut! cut!".
I turned and saw the laughing director of the movie.
Shame almost killed me.

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Jokes about Women Nationality Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Men jokes Political Jokes Restaurant Jokes

Little Johnny's dad was constantly bragging about him to everyone. He was always telling everyone he met how his little Johnny did this, little Johnny did that, and little Johnny was the best kid ever.
One day little Johnny's dad was outside leaning on the fence talking to his next door neighbor. As usual it was "little Johnny did this, little Johnny did that, little Johnny's the best kid ever."
Just then the school bus pulled up and little Johnny himself got off the bus. His dad was elated. He turned back to the neighbor and said, "There's my little Johnny now! Isn't he the best kid ever? I'll ask him how his day went." So when little Johnny walked by on his way into the house his dad said;
"So little Johnny, how was school today?" "Oh school was great today dad! I had SЕX in school today!" Then little Johnny went on into the house. His dad turned to his neighbor and said ever so proudly, "That's my little Johnny, he had SЕX in school today! What a kid!"
Next day little Johnny's dad was back at the fence again talking to the next door neighbor as the bus pulled up again. As little Johnny was getting off the bus, his dad turned to the neighbor and said "There's my little Johnny, what a boy! Watch this, I'll ask him if he had SЕX in school again today!" As little Johnny walked by on his way into the house his dad called out to him "Hey little Johnny, did you have SЕX in school again today?" "Oh no dad, my вuтт's still sore from yesterday!"

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School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Kids Jokes Sex Jokes Dad Jokes

Yo Momma so fат, she walked in front of the TV, and I missed 3 episodes.

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Yo Momma Jokes Fat Jokes

Yo mama so fат when she tossed in her sleep she woke up in another time zone.

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Yo Momma Jokes Fat Jokes

In clasс: 1+1=2
Exam: John has four apples and gives one away. Calculate the mass of the sun.

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School Jokes

Two girlfriends meet again after a few years. One is pushing around a baby buggy. The first girlfriend looks at the baby and is perplexed.
"Black skin? Blue slit eyes? A blonde afro? How did you do that?"
Murmurs the other woman.
"Dамn gаngваng! At least he doesn't bark!"

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A man on a beach sees a shark near a child in the shallows. Ignoring personal safety, he dives in the water and, with his bare hands, kills the shark.
He brings the tot to shore and is met with tumultuous applause from spectators.
"Geez, mate" says a reporter "You should get a medal. What part of Australia are you from?"
Modestly our hero says: "Actually I'm from England."
The next days newspaper headline says "Pommy mongrel kills child's pet"

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Animal Jokes Men jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Australia Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

What really separates black people from society?
Prison.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Priest Jokes Black People Jokes

Trafic policeman: "Didn't you hear my whistle, madam?"
Woman driver: "Yes, but I don't like flirting while I'm driving."

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Jokes about Women Car and driving jokes Police Officer Jokes Flirt jokes

Yo mamma so old she pre-order the bible.

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Old People Jokes Bible Jokes Yo Momma Jokes

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer.
After giving it to him, Larry asked: “What is the usual tip?”
“Well,” replied the youth, “this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I’ll be doing great.”
“Is that so?” snorted Larry.
“Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here’s five dollars.”
“Thanks,” replied the youth, “I’ll put this in my school fund.”
“What are you studying in school?” asked Larry.
The lad smiled and said: “Applied psychology.”

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School Jokes Money jokes College jokes

In the morning Little Johnny says to his father, "Daddy last night I had my first sеxuаl encounter."
His father looks at him proudly and says, "When are you planning to do it again?"
"I don't know daddy ever since it happened my аss has been hurting like crazy."

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Little Johnny Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes

Girls are like an internet virus: they enter your life, scan your pockets, transfer money, edit your mind, download their problems and delete your smile...

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Jokes about Women Money jokes IT jokes Internet Jokes

The old man had died.
A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.
Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and make sure that's your pa in there."

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Little Johnny Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Priest Jokes Funeral jokes Sick and Death Jokes

An elderly man remembers the good old days:
“When I was young, my mom could send me to a shop with a single $, and I would bring back 5 pounds of potatoes, 2 breads, a bottle of milk, a piece of cheese and 10 eggs. Nowadays that’s impossible – there are simply to many security cameras."

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Men jokes Old People Jokes Single People Jokes

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them.
The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.
The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing?
Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear."
"I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says.
"I just need to outrun you."

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