Newest jokes - Page 2818

How do you make a dog go ‘miaow’?
Freeze it in liquid nitrogen, and run it through a bandsaw…

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A patient sobs to his doctor, “I feel like a pair of curtains!”
Doctor replies, “Well pull yourself together man!”

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

Two guys were riding in a car, arguing about how to say the name of the city that they were in. One said "Louieville" and the other "Louiseville." They went on arguing and arguing, until they came upon a fast-food restaurant. The one guy goes inside and says to the waitress, "Tell me the name of the place where I am right now really, really, really slowly." The waitress goes, "Bur-ger-King."

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Food Jokes Restaurant Jokes

Daughter: Mom,does God go to bathroom?
Mom: Why? my child..
Daughter: Today in the morning I heard papa said,
"Please God let me go to the bathroom..."

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God Jokes

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall.
They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.

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Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes Kids Jokes Men jokes Military Jokes

Little Johnny got home from school and told his mum " I just had my first sеxuаl experience!"
His mum replied "I'm going to speak to your dad about this when he gets home. Go to your room." So little Johnny goes to his room.
When his dad gets home his mum tells him about little Johnny's first sеxuаl experience.
His dad says "I won't get too angry at him because at his age, I was looking for my first sеxuаl experience to."
When he gets to little Johnny's room he asks him "So how was it?"
Little Johnny replies it was Great! The only downside is my аss hurts."

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School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Dirty jokes Dad Jokes

Three guys talk in a bar.
Two discuss how they are king in their castles and how much their wives respect them.
The third guy remains quiet.
Finally, one guy turns to the quiet guy and asks, "What about you?
Do you rule your roost?"
The quiet guy says,
"Well, just the other night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
"What happened then?" they ask.
"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

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Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes

Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques.

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Money jokes

I see my Nubian princesses hiding over there. Hey, I'm Italian, baby. Italian, black, it's all the same thing: gold chains, big аssеs and Cadillacs.

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Nationality Jokes

There was a disturbing story on the 11 PM news tonight about Cadmus, a 14-year-old Greek boy, who has run away from home.
Cadmus’ school friends said that he doesn’t like the way his father is rearing him.

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School Jokes News and Politics Jokes Sex Jokes Friendship Jokes

Please, either stop being so attractive or make out with me. It is your choice.

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Pick-Up Lines Jokes

Abraham Lincoln can finish a play better than the 2013 Broncos.

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Political Jokes

1. You have the right to remain motionless, or you may elect to run away from me.
2. Should you decide to run, I shall direct my K-9 to chase you down to the ends of the earth.
3. You have the right to have your lawyer run with you.
Should he refuse, a recent Law School graduate will be appointed by the court to jog along with you.
4. If while running, you suddenly decide to end the race, beware that my K-9 may or may not understand your intentions, and may continue his persuit of you in full stride.
5. You may stop running at any time, at your own risk.
6. Good luck. On your mark, get set.... GO!!!!!

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School Jokes Police Officer Jokes Lawyer Jokes

The place where I work decided to provide company-paid cell phones to the "suits" upstairs. After negotiating a deal with a cell phone company, we arranged for the phones to be sent to the homes of the various VIP's.
The day after delivery, I received a call from a partner screaming about how his cell phone didn't work. He said he charged it overnight just like the sheet said, but in the morning, it wouldn't power up.
I asked EXACTLY what he did with the phone when he got it. "I took it out, plugged the charger into the wall and into the phone."
"Did you put the battery in the phone?"
"Not the extra one."
"Sir, the phone only came with one battery."
(Pause) "Oh, I think I figured out what's wrong with it."

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Office and Work Jokes Technology Jokes

Yo mamma’s so hairy, last night I confused here with a bush and рissеd on her!

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Gross Jokes Yo Momma Jokes American Presidents Humor

In a car there are two persons: a car mechanic and a programmer.
They where going to work when suddenly the car broke down.
The car mechanic tries to make the car work again but no solution.
Suddenly the programmer says:
"I say we better FORMAT it!"

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Office and Work Jokes Car and driving jokes Computer Jokes Programmer Jokes Geek jokes

What do you call a private nun.
Nun-o-yo-business

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Religion jokes Military Jokes

“Young woman,” said the judge, “this court is going to see to it that you receive one thousand dollars a month in alimony.
“Thanks,” the husband spoke up, “and I’ll try to give her a few bucks myself.”

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Jokes about Women

A man goes to the doctor and says,
"Doc, everybody ignores me..."
And the doctor says,
"Next please..."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes One-Liner Jokes

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