Newest jokes - Page 2819

I went to buy some Viаgrа online but my internet connection was down and it took me two days to get it up.

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My cousin died last week he needed a blood transfusion but we didnt know his blood type he just kept saying “b positive b positive” but its hard to be positive with him gone

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Sick and Death Jokes

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three-toed feet?"
The mother replies,
"Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand."
"Okay," said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?"
"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert,"
"Thanks Mom," replies the son.
After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back?"
The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies,
"They are there to help us store fат for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without water for long periods."
"That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom ..."
"Yes son?"
"What good does all that do us here in the San Diego Zoo?"

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Animal Jokes Fat Jokes Baby Jokes

What do you call a Thalidomide child with no arms and no legs on your front door step? . . . . . . . MATT … …
What do you call a Thalidomide child with no arms and no legs in a рот of vegetables? . . . . . . . STU … …
What do you call a Thalidomide child with no arms and no legs that is stuck in a wall? . . . . . . . BRAD … …
What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs on a tennis court? . . . . . . . ANNETTE
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs that hangs on your wall? . . . . . . . ART
What if he also doesn’t have a tongue? . . . . . . . Tasteless ART
What do you call his arms and legs? . . . . . . . Pieces of ART

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Disability Jokes

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is...
Scaring men is easy.

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Men jokes Communication Jokes

I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.
It's my thirty-second birthday.

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Birthday Jokes

I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.

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Christian Jokes

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'
'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them."

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Old People Jokes Chocolate Jokes

For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid.
Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.

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Masturbation jokes Chemistry Jokes

I'm not dumb, I just have a lot of blonde moments.

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Blonde Jokes Attitude Jokes

Nobody has ever told Chuck Norris a yo-mama joke and lived to tell about it.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Yo Momma Jokes

Are you the energizer bunny cause you just keep going and going through my mind.

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Flirt jokes

A рrоsтiтuте with a single room decided she would get a partition installed so she could entertain 2 clients at once. A builder knocked up the partition in no time, and after he’d finished, he asked for his money. The girl explained that she didn’t have it, but that she could pay for the job with sеx. The builder complained and complained, then finally agreed, saying sеx was better than nothing.
“I like it doggy style”, he said.
She positioned herself accordingly. He slobbered on his thumb and forefinger before inserting them in her rear orifices. She squealed in surprise.
In a deep and completely dominating voice he said.”Now give me my fсuкing money, or I’ll rip out your partition”.

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Money jokes Sex Jokes Single People Jokes

I was just scammed out of 25 dollars.
I purchased a dvd titled "Tiger Woods' favorite 18 holes." It turned out to be about golf. Tell others so that they can avoid this scam too!!

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Golf jokes

My girlfriend just randomly started screaming at me for no reason.
“You put me second to everything! Second to your friends, your job, even your fuскing ps3! I’m sick of being second-best!!”
I said “Well that would make you 4th best, you thick head.”

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Friendship Jokes Dating Jokes

I failed my math exam because I couldn’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 as Roman numerals
Im livid

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Math Jokes

Trump is blaming Sanders for the violence at his rally...
Because you can't truly be Нiтlеr until you blame a jew for all your problems.

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Hitler Jokes American Presidents Humor

I told my kids I never want to  live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from  a bottle.
So they unplugged my  computer and threw out my wine.

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Kids Jokes Wine jokes

Wife:
“I’m pregnant.”
Me:
“Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad.”
Wife:
“No you’re not.”

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Dad Jokes

For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.

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April Fools' Jokes

Latest Jokes