Newest jokes - Page 309

A turtle is crossing the road when he's mugged by two snails.
When the police show up, they ask him what happened.
The shaken turtle replies, "I don't know. It all happened so fast."

23 0

Раddy asks Murphy, 'Why do scuba divers fall off their boats backwards?"
Murphy replies, "If they fell forwards they'd still be on the fuскing boat!"

35 0

Sports Jokes Sailor Jokes

The bean soup I'd ordered was mostly water.
I decided to tell the waitress.
"This soup is awful," I said.
"I know," she said. "I don't like bean soup either."

71 0

Food Jokes Waiter Jokes Customer service jokes Communication Jokes

Phil, a smart and handsome young man, dressed in the latest fashion, walked into this local pub.
He noticed a woman gazing at him without blinking her big eyes.
Phil felt flattered so he walked up to the woman and said in his deepest voice, "I'll do anything you wish, beautiful lady, for just £10 but on one condition."
"The woman appeared to be trapped in the moment and asked as if in a trance,'What's your condition?"
Phil answered, "Tell me your wish in just three words."
There was a long pause, the woman opened her purse, counted out the money and handed it to the man along with her address.
She then looked deeply into his eyes and whispered, "Clean my house."

34 0

Jokes about Women Money jokes Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes Beauty Jokes Communication Jokes

Why is Apple offering a free case for all iPhone 6 buyers?
It doesn't help with reception, but protects the iPhone when you throw it against the wall after dropping another call!

35 0

Computer Jokes Programmer Jokes Apple and iPhone Jokes Phone jokes

A father was advising his son: "If you want to have a big and strong diск in future you have to eat more walnuts."
Suddenly son's mother by an angry face shouted: "Why when you were child did'nt eat enough walnut yourself?"

68 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Dirty jokes Dad Jokes Communication Jokes

I drank so much wine last night that when I walked across the dance floor to get another glass, I won the dance competition.

68 0

Drinking and Drunk Jokes Wine jokes

A drunк sitting at a bar observes a very snobby woman participating in a wine tasting contest.
She was very good at identifying the wine.
At the first taste she says: "Cabernet Sauvignon, 1998" and all the people were amazed.
At the 2nd try she answers "Cabernet Sauvignon, 1953" and they were once again amazed.
Then the drunк рissеs in a glass and hands it to her.
She tries it and says "Yak, this tastes like рiss!"
And the drunк says, "Yeah, but what year was I born?"

36 0

Jokes about Women Gross Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Wine jokes

I and my two mates went to a hоокеr and she told us that it will cost us a pound an inch.
My first mate went in and came out after minutes, saying, it cost me a tenner!
My second mate went in and came out ten minutes later and said, it cost me £9.50!
I went in and came out ten minutes later and said, it cost me £3.50.!
"What do you mean," they asked me.
"I told them, you both paid on the way in but I paid on the way out."

77 0

Money jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Friendship Jokes Communication Jokes

Q: Why aren't there more famous skeletons?
A: They're a bunch of no bodies!

34 0

Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Halloween Jokes

I really do have a soft spot for my MIL.
It's out in the garden behind the garage.

36 0

Mother-in-Law Jokes

HR manager to job candidate: ‘I see you’ve had no computer training.
Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you’re under-qualified for our entry level positions.’

37 0

Computer Jokes Programmer Jokes Management Jokes Boss Jokes

A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

22 0

New year jokes

Yo mama so old she had a wedding picture with George Washington.

64 0

Old People Jokes Wedding jokes Political Jokes Yo Momma Jokes

The policeman tells Johny at the police station following:
"The thief who wanted to steal your wallet has got: a broken nose, three broken ribs, a concussion of the brain and he misses a bunch of his hair at the back of his head."Please, tell me Johny, how much money did you have in your wallet?"
Johny: "Only three euros."
The policeman: "Goodness! I suppose that if you would have ten euros in your wallet, the thief would probably not survive your self-defense-trial."

65 0

Money jokes Little Johnny Jokes Police Officer Jokes

You know you're a redneck when your mom, dad, aunt, and uncle are two people.

69 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Redneck jokes

Kissing is a habit
Fucking is a game
Guys get all the pleasure
Girls get all the pain
The guy says I love you
You believe its true
But when your tummy starts to swell,
He says 'to hеll with you'
10 minutes of pleasure
9 months in pain
3 days in hospital
A baby without a name
The baby is a bastard
The mother is a whore
This never wouldn't have happened
If the rubber wouldn't have torn

35 0

Kids Jokes Sex Jokes Vulgar jokes Funny Poems Love Jokes

Chuck Norris saw the Invisible Man.

25 0

Chuck Norris Jokes Men jokes

Little boy says to his father: "Daddy, I heard on the news that cigarettes have become much more expensive. Does it mean that you're going to smoke less from now on?"
And father replies: "No, son. I will smoke as much as a have. But, you'll be eating less!"

34 0

News and Politics Jokes Money jokes Kids Jokes Food Jokes Parent Jokes Dad Jokes

A chubbier woman: "Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?"
Mirror: "Kindly move aside. I can't see anything."

34 0

Jokes about Women Insult Jokes Ugly Jokes

Latest Jokes