Newest jokes - Page 315

Happy Father's Day to a dad who was smart enough to teach me how to mow the lawn so he would't have to.

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I called the doctor "My wife is going into labour! What should I do?"
"Is this her first child?" he asked.
"No, this is her husband."

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Marriage and Family Jokes

"Between a rock and a hard place" refers to Chuck Norris' fists.

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Chuck Norris Jokes

One day a women walks into work in a short skirt.
As she’s walking to her desk she gets stopped by a co-worker, who says,
“Your hair smells really nice today.”
She grimaces and stomps into her manager’s office.
She says,”I want to file a sеxuаl harassment complaint!” and then relates what happened.
The manager says, “What’s wrong with him complimenting how your hair smells?”
Furious, she snarls, “He’s a мidgет!”

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Boss Jokes

Your momma so ugly her face is used as an x ray in mortal kombat X.

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Technology Jokes Insult Jokes Yo Momma Jokes Ugly Jokes

It's Halloween and when the man answers his door, there's a well-dressed young boy there wearing a suit and matching tie, who says "Trick or treat".
The man's a bit confused so he asks the boy what he's dressed up as.
"I'm an IRS agent", says the boy, and with that, he snatches 40% of the candy, and leaves without saying thank you.

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Kids Jokes Men jokes Halloween Jokes Accountant Jokes

Sеx is when a guys communication,
enters a girls information,
to increase the population,
for a younger generation,
do you get the information...
or do you need a demonstration.

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Jokes about Women Men jokes Sex Jokes Funny Poems Communication Jokes

A little boy was so exited because his mom told him he is getting a baby brother.
He repeated that to his techer every day, when he came to school, "Im getting a brother."
One day his mom alllowed him to feel the baby's kicks in her belly.
The next day he came to school and didnt say anything to his teacher, so the teacher asked him, what happend to his brother.
He replyed, "I think mommy ate him."

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School Jokes Kids Jokes Baby Jokes

Q: Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
A: For kitty littering.

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Jokes about Women Animal Jokes Pet Jokes

10 Facts About You:
1. You're reading this now.
2. You're realizing that this is a sтuрid fact.
4. You didn't notice I skipped number 3.
5. You're checking now.
6. You're smiling.
7. You're still reading this even though it is sтuрid.
9. You didn't realize I skipped number 8.
10. You're checking again and smiling because you fell for it again.
11. You're enjoying this.
12. You didn't realize I said 10 facts not 12.

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Life Jokes

So a little kid and a child molester start walking into a forest.
They keep walking for what seems like hours, and it gets darker and darker and darker, and the forest gets deeper and deeper and deeper.
The kid turns to the child molester and he says "Gee mister, it sure is scary out here!"
The child molester says "How do you think I feel, kid? I'm gonna have to walk out of this forest by myself!"

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Kids Jokes Dark Humor Jokes

Chuck Norris was in every Star Wars movie, he played The Force.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Star Wars Jokes

A Mexican, a Cuban, and a Chinese guy are riding in a truck.
Who's driving?
Immigration.

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Mexican jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Asian jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

Fly like a butterfly sting like a bee I slept with yo mama now it burns when I рее.

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Funny Poems Yo Momma Jokes

[first day as a pilot]
Control tower: What's your location?
Me: I'm in the cockpit.
Control tower: I mean where is the airplane?
Me: Mainly behind me.

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Office and Work Jokes Pilot Jokes Aviation Jokes Communication Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

A man took a роор in a gas station and then realized there was no toilet paper.
There was a hole in the wall and a sign above it that read: "When you go to the bathroom, wipe yourself with your index finger, stick it through this hole and it will be thoroughly cleaned."
The man did exactly what the sign said, but when he stuck his finger through the hole, someone at the other side slapped two bricks together against his finger and because of the pain he stuck his finger in his mouth and started to suск on it.

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Gross Jokes Men jokes Superhero Jokes

Little Johnny once bought his Granny a very fine toilet brush for her birthday.
But when he went to visit her a few weeks later, there wasn't a sign of it in the bathroom.
Little Johnny asked his Grandma, "Granny, what happened to the loo brush I gave you?"
"Darling, I really didn't like it. After all those years, I've gotten used to the toilet paper, and this new thing was just far to scratchy."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Old People Jokes Birthday Jokes

Q: What is another name for a gynecologist?
A: A private investigator.

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Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Military Jokes Gynecology Jokes

Women need a reason to have sеx - men just need a place.

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Jokes about Women Dirty jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes

One day Mrs. Smith went to have a talk with the minister at thelocal church.
"Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this needle with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Smith is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Smith dozed off.
Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work.
"And who made the ultimate sасrifiсе for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the needle.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Smith," said the minister.
Soon, Mr.Smith nodded off again.
Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Smith.
"God!" Mr. Smith cried out as he was stuck again with the needle.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling.
Before long, Mr.Smith again winked off.
However, this time the minister did not notice.
As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Smith mistook as signals to рrоd her husband with the needle again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Smith poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that gоddамnеd thing in me one more time and I’ll break it in half and shove it up your a***s!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.

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