Newest jokes - Page 314

Q: What do you get when you cross a pilgrim with a democrat?
A: A god-fearing tax collector who gives thanks for what other people have.

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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.
He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theater followed by drinks.
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.
She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ......... and stay for breakfast.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman.
Are you this nice to every guy you meet?".
"No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."

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Jokes about Women Money jokes Men jokes Redhead Jokes Restaurant Jokes

A guy is driving his car and finds a friend crying, sitting on the road. He stops. And he asks him:
- Hey, What happens to you?
- (crying) Look! and he points a crashed car.
- Well, don't care and buy another car.
- Look inside the car!
- Well, don't care and get another blonde, and that's all.
- Look inside her mouth!!!

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Car and driving jokes Money jokes Blonde Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Friendship Jokes

Chuck Norris can set water on fire.
He can also set fire on water.

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Chuck Norris Jokes

An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician are on a train in Scotland.
The astronomer looks out of the window, sees a black sheep standing in a field, and remarks, "How odd. Scottish sheep are black."
"No, no, no!" says the physicist.
"Only some Scottish sheep are black."
The mathematician rolls his eyes at his companions' muddled thinking and says, "In Scotland, there is at least one field, containing at least one sheep, at least one side of which appears black from here."

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Animal Jokes Scottish Jokes Math Jokes

What does tightrope walking and getting a вlоwjов from Grandma have in common?
You don't look down.

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Sports Jokes Dirty jokes Old People Jokes

The first of September, first lesson. Teacher:
"Please sit quietly, if you want to ask something - raise your hand."
Little Johnny immediately raises his hand.
"You want to ask something?"
"No. Just checking how the system works."

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Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes

After nine years of marriage, a butcher's wife is tired of her husband's morning flatulence.
She warns him that he'll fаrт his guts out.
One night, the wife decides to put pig scraps in his pants, so he will think that he actually farted his guts out and stop the flatulence.
The next morning, the husband goes to the bathroom.
Two long hours later, he comes out and says, "You were right about me farting my guts out. But with the grace of the dear Lord and these two fingers. I got them back in there!"

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Gross Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

Yo mama is so sтuрid that she thought starbucks are money in space.

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Money jokes Yo Momma Jokes Stupid Jokes

Q: What was Нiтlеr's favorite drink?
A: Concentrated jews.

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Dark Humor Jokes Jewish Jokes Hitler Jokes Morbid jokes

Hey girl, your body reminds me of Mcdonalds, because I'm loving it!

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Food Jokes Flirt jokes Beauty Jokes Love Jokes

The headmistress at a girls' prep school in the old South (circa 1959) calls down to the army base and speaks with one of the officers:
"We're having a social here at school and I was wondering if you could send some of your nice young men to attend."
"Why of course," the Lieutenant answers.
"Just one thing," says the lady. "Of course you'll make sure there aren't any Jews there."
"Why of course," the Lieutenant answers.
On the day of the dance, a bus pulls up from the base.
Out comes a platoon of black GIs.
The schoolmistress is quite distressed.
"Why, why, there must be some mistake," she says to a burly black Master Sergeant.
"Why heck no, ma'am," he replies. "Lt. Goldberg NEVER makes a mistake!"

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School Jokes Jewish Jokes Military Jokes Student jokes

Q: What is the difference between an ISIS boot camp and a local school?
A: How should I know? I just fly the drones.

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School Jokes Military Jokes Aviation Jokes Terrorist jokes

The answer to the problem was “log(1+x)”.
A student copied the answer from the student next to him, but didn’t want to make it obvious that he was
cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to “timber(1+x).”

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School Jokes Cheating Jokes Student jokes

The patient’s family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.
"Things don’t look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.
"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood.
A few actually smirked.
But the patient’s daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"
"A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women’s brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used."

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes News and Politics Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes

Yo mama is so sтuрid when you asked her to grab McDonald's she brings the building home.

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Food Jokes Yo Momma Jokes Communication Jokes Stupid Jokes

There was a statistician that drowned crossing a river... It was 3 feet deep on average.

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Science jokes Math Jokes

Two blondes were talking together:
First: "How about your engaged Jim? Is he keeping well?"
Second: "He isn't just now my engaged."
First: Hi good news. His nose was too big and his head was bald with an ugly face!"
Second: "He is now my husband!"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Blonde Jokes Communication Jokes Stupid Jokes Ugly Jokes

Man walks over to a lady in a bar and asks "whats your name ?"
"Carmen" she replies,... "I like cars and men ! Whats yours ?"
The man looks her up and down and sayes "Beerpussy ..."

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Car and driving jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Sex Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Beer Jokes

Why did Osama Bin Laden кill his wife?
When she spread her legs he saw bush.

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Dark Humor Jokes Military Jokes Political Jokes American Presidents Humor

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