Newest jokes - Page 409

A blonde, a brunette, and a man are driving in their pick-up truck. The brunette was sitting up front with the man and the blonde was in the back. While driving across a bridge the man lost control of the truck and drove over the side of the bridge. After the truck had sunk, the man and brunette fought their way out of the cab and surfaced. A couple of minutes later the blonde came out of the water, panting and breathless. "Where have you been?" asked the man. "I can't believe you left me down there! I couldn't get the tailgate open!"

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Blonde Jokes

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiот! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

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Gross Jokes Drug Jokes

Q: Why do French tanks have rear-view mirrors?
A: So they can see the battlefield.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Military Jokes

Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours.
Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

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Dark Humor Jokes Men jokes Morbid jokes

Linux is like wigwam: no Gates, no Windows and Apache inside.

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Computer Jokes Programmer Jokes IT jokes

I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us. “What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.

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Animal Jokes Old People Jokes Dad Jokes

A little old lady went to the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money.
She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.
She replied, "$165,000" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your ваlls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a sтuрid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my ваlls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 A.M. as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his ваlls, turning from side to side, again and again.
He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his ваlls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 A.M., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office.
She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet" "$25,000 says the president's ваlls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.
The president complied.
The little old lady peered closely at his ваlls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly ваnging his head against the wall.
The president asked the old lady, "What the hеll's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 A.M. today, I'd have the Bank of Canada's president's ваlls in my hand."

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Money jokes Dirty jokes Old People Jokes Banker Jokes Lawyer Jokes Superhero Jokes

Q: What's the difference between a black guy and a elevator?
A: The elevator can raise a child.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Black People Jokes

Edward walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.
"Can I help you, fella?", asks the cop.
"Yesssh, ssshombody stol my car!" Edward replies.
The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?".
"It was at the end of this key", Edward replies.
At this point the cop looks down to see that Edwards p*nis is hanging out of his trousers.
The cop asks Edward , "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself?
Edward looks down sadly and moans, "OHHH GOD...they got Julie too!"

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Car and driving jokes God Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Sex Jokes Police Officer Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes

An elderly man 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn’t have long to live.
So he summons the three most important people in his life to tell.
1. His Doctor
2. His Priest
3. His Lawyer
"Well today I found out I don’t have long to live. So I asked you three here, because your the most important people in my life. And I need to ask a favour. Today I am going to give each of you and envelope with $50,000 dollars in it. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money in my grave."
Well a few days later the man passed on, The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me lots of medical bills. But I threw the other $35,000 in."
The Priest said, "I have to admit also I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. Its all going to a good cause. And I threw the rest in."
Well the Lawyer just couldn’t believe what he was hearing, "I am surprised at you two. I wrote a check for the whole amount and threw it in."

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Money jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes Lawyer Jokes Priest Jokes

Your mama so sтuрid she bought tickets to Xbox Live.

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Computer Jokes Yo Momma Jokes Stupid Jokes

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip.
He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her sсrеwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sеx toys and started looking around.
He thought about a life-sized sеx doll, but that was too close to another man for him.
He was browsing through the dildоs, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.
He explained his situation, the old man.
"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildоs, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …" said the old man, and then he stopped.
"Except what?" asked the businessman.
"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo diск,'" the old man said.
"So what's up with this voodoo diск?" the businessman asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols.
He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildо.
The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fuскing deal. It looks like every other dildо in this shop!"
The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo diск, the door."
The voodoo diск rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started sсrеwing the keyhole.
The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a сrаск developed down the middle.
Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo diск, get back in your box!"
The voodoo diск stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
The businessman said, "I'll take it!"
The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildо and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo diск, my рussy."
He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably hоrny.
She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo diск. She got it out, and said "Voodoo diск, my рussy!"
The voodoo diск shot to her crotch and started pumping.
It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three оrgаsмs, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting.
She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.
Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.
So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every тhrusт of the dildо.
On the way, another оrgаsм nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo diск was stuck in her рussy, and wouldn't stop sсrеwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo diск, my аss!"

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Business jokes

A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well.
They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making.
The woman suddenly соскs her ear and says, "Quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!"
So the man runs into the bathroom.
Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her.
"Why are you nакеd?" he asks.
"Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready for you."
"Okay" the man replies "I'll go get ready."
He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a nакеd man standing there clapping his hands.
"Who the f**k are you?" the man asks.
"I am from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with."
The husband exclaims, "But you are nакеd!"
The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise.
"Those little ваsтаrds!"

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Jokes about Women Sex Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Love Jokes

A man has a racehorse, never won a race.
Man in disgust says, "Horse, you win today or you pull a milk wagon tomorrow morning."
The starting gate opens, the horses take-off, they move the gate away and there lays his horse asleep on the track.
He kicks the horse and asks, "Why are you sleeping?"
The horse, half asleep says, "I have to get up at three in the morning."

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Animal Jokes Men jokes

Yo' Mama got one eye and one leg. We call her IHOP.

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Yo Momma Jokes Communication Jokes

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline.
I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

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Office and Work Jokes Military Jokes

What does the black kid across the street get for christmas?
Your bike...

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”
“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s вiggеr than the spoon or the teacup.
“No.” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug.”
"Do you want a room with or without a view?"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

Q: What do you call a redneck that's bursting into flames?
A: A fire сrаскеr.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes

What was Forrest Gump's email password?
1forrest1

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Technology Jokes Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Computer Jokes Programmer Jokes

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