Newest jokes - Page 410

Q: What happens when you stick you hand in a jar of jellybeans?
A: The black ones steal your watch.

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Yo momma is so poor the ducks throw bread at her.

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Money jokes Animal Jokes Yo Momma Jokes

Q: What type of bees make milk?
A: Boo-bees.

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Yo Mama So fат...
She sat on top of Walmart and lowered the prices.

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Came out the gym the other day and cop asked me how I got that body.
I said, "I don't know officer, I just opened the trunk and there she was"

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Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the сriме. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

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Q: What do you call a black priest?
A: Holy Shiт.

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My kid and I were in a very crowded public restroom at a sporting arena, after looking to the man using the urinаl to his right, my 6 year old son turns to address me on his left and exclaims, "Daddy, that man's wiener is a lot вiggеr than yours!" The whole bathroom heard and looked immediately at me. So I put my hand around my kid and told him "Well son, that's because daddy isn't aroused by men."

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Q: What's the difference between a book and a teacher?
A: You can shut a book up but you can't shut a teacher up.

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A woman who was driving down the highway pulled over to the side of the road when the policeman driving behind her turned on his lights and siren.
She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quietly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.
After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"
"Yes, I do, officer," she politely replied.
"Interesting," said the officer. "Do you always loop it through your steering wheel like that?"

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A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!"
The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog."
"Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me."
The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua.
The first guys sees him, stops him and says
"You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."
The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink.
The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bartender says, "No, I don't think so.
They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs."
The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

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When Chuck Norris was a baby he didnt have teddy bears. He had real bears.

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At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.
"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said,
"Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

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I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45.
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

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Boy: My magic watch says that you don't have any underwear on.
Girl: Well its wrong...
Boy: Guess my watch is 15 minutes fast

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Dirty jokes

Home is where the wifi connects automatically.

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Computer Jokes Programmer Jokes One-Liner Jokes IT jokes

A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill:
"One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian".
The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where Upon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russian."
Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again Silence.
The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians from:
The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill.
Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought...
Then silence.
Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men...it's a trap. There's two of them."

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A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.
Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I am not an American."
"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.
"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a моrоn, and your dad was a моrоn. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."

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One day Chuck Norris went into Wal Mart. The clerk told him to have a nice day. The next day the clerk was found dead. The police asked Chuck Norris if he killed her and he said yes so they asked him why. He said " Nobody tells Chuck Norris what to do"

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A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right вrеаsт hanging out.A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"She says, "Why, officer?""Because your вrеаsт is hanging out."She looks down and says, "OH MY GOODNESS! I left the baby on the bus again!"

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