Newest jokes - Page 434

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A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, and they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
"Have you any grounds?"
"Yes, an acre and half and nice little home."
"No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It made of concrete."
"I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?"
"No, we have carport, and not need one."
"I mean. What are your relations like?"
"All my relations still in Poland."
"Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player."
"Does your wife beat you up?"
"No, I always up before her."
"Is your wife a nagger?"
"No, she white."
"Why do you want this divorce?"
"She going to кill me."
"What makes you think that?"
"I got proof."
"What kind of proof?"
"She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom."
"I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover.'"

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Office and Work Jokes Nationality Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Divorce Jokes Cheating Jokes Lawyer Jokes Black People Jokes American Jokes

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear sтuрid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said, "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

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Blonde Jokes

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His shoe.

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Chuck Norris Jokes

In school, we had to do a sкiт demonstrating key concepts of the English language.
My sкiт on the "diphthong" clearly demonstrated that the string micro-bikini was not a wise choice.

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School Jokes Dirty jokes Communication Jokes

Q: What's the difference between apple pie and рussy?
A: You can eat Granmas apple pie.

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Gross Jokes Food Jokes Fishing Jokes

Q:Why do they never serve вееr at a math party?
A:Because you can't drink and derive...

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Science jokes Math Jokes Beer Jokes

A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undrеssing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nudе patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.
"Miss Smith," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Blonde Jokes

Once a blonde wanted to go to her boyfriend's home.
Her mom advised her: "My sweet whenever your boy friend wanted to touch your pants tell him there is a hot oven so your hand will burn."
Next day her mom asked her daughter: "Had you a good day?"
The blonde answered: "It was the best day in my life because when my boyfriend touched my pants I told him: 'There is a hot oven and your hand would damage!' But he urged me that I've one hot dog and I wanna to cook it for several times he put his hot dog in my pants and then he put it in my mouth for confident whether it has been cooked or not."

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Blonde Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Relationship Jokes Stupid Jokes Dog jokes

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days. This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.
The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds.
She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:
"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Blonde Jokes

I am a dog
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up
And give you a shower.

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Gross Jokes Animal Jokes Funny Poems

If there are two people in an elevator and one of them farts everybody knows who did it.

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Gross Jokes Fart Jokes

At the supermarket checkout, the cashier was having trouble finding the price for my cucumber.
"Maybe the list is alphabetical," I offered.
So he started searching from the bottom of the list: "Q... Q... Q..."

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Food Jokes Customer service jokes Stupid Jokes

Jared: "Why are black people so good at basketball?"
Henry: "I don't know, why?"
Jared: "Because they're good at jumping, shooting, stealing, and running."

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Black People Jokes

Being single is cool cause you can eat a whole jar of pepperoncinis and spend the rest of the night farting spicily into the abyss.

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Gross Jokes Food Jokes Single People Jokes Fart Jokes

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Urine.
Urine who?
Urine trouble if you don't open the door.

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Gross Jokes Knock-knock jokes

The fingers of my girlfriend were in my pants;
I asked her "Is it thick?"
She said "yes dear."
Again I asked: "Is it warm?"
She replied: "yes honey."
Then I asked: "Is it soft?"
She said, "yes of course."
"It is my shiт!" I told her.

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Gross Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Relationship Jokes Mean Jokes Communication Jokes

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, the man finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases.
He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two pillow cases stuffed with cash.
"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

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Banker Jokes Lawyer Jokes

In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the minister.
The minister asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me?
I really have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming.
She tends to go on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done just give her 10 Hail Mary's and I'll be right back."
Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed.
Just as expected the Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession.
"Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable.
I have given into carnal thoughts and have had оrаl sеx."
Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation.
Surely 10 Hail Mary's would not do.
So, in a moment of desperation the janitor peered his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the minister give for оrаl sеx?"
In reply the altar boy said, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke."

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Sex Jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes

How are black people and wolves similar?
They both fight in packs

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Animal Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Black People Jokes

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