Newest jokes - Page 439

If you're sad about being alone on Valentine's day, just remember... nobody loves you on the other days of the year either.

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Knock-knock.
Who is there?
Stopwatch.
Stopwatch who?
Stopwatch you're doing and have a happy Valentines Day!

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Office and Work Jokes Valentine's Day Jokes Knock-knock jokes

Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day?
A: Forget-me-nuts.

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Animal Jokes Valentine's Day Jokes

Valentines Slogans:
10. I admire your strength, I admire your sрunк, But the thing I like best, is getting you drunк.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow, Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store, In hopes that, later, you'd be my whоrе.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right, I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class, Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fат аss.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished, But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
4. Through all the things that came to pass, Our love has grown. . . but so's your аss.
3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie, I just wished you had J-Lo's "воотy".
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny, So right to the point, let's do it, I'm hоrny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister. You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

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Jokes about Women Money jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Valentine's Day Jokes Sex Jokes Fat Jokes Love Jokes

Hallmark would make "Sorry I don't remember your name" cards.
If your girlfriend really needs to talk to you during the game, she'll appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
A smack to the аss and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time," would complete a break up.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
Instead of an engagement ring, you could surprise your fiance with a giant "You're #1!" foam hand.
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th, so it would only occur in leap years.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Valentine's Day Jokes

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap.
After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day.
"What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it, only to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Valentine's Day Jokes Relationship Jokes Love Jokes

An evening of Valentine's Day. A man comes to a drug store:
"Good evening!"
"Sorry, we are sold out..."

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Men jokes Valentine's Day Jokes Sex Jokes Drug Jokes

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Happy Valentine's Day.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Valentine's Day Jokes Relationship Jokes

My boyfriend bought me a viвrатоr for Valentine's day about a year ago. Still living at home I knew I had to hide it. Well, after having some fun one night I just put it under my mattress. The next day my brother came in and laid on my bed, when he put pressure on the mattress, my viвrатоr turned on and started to buzz like crazy. Well, not knowing what it was he came in the living room and said, "sissy this was buzzing under your bed" and handed it to me. It was a Monday, so my mom and dad and I were watching Fear Factor, and looking at the size of my viвrатоr, my mom laughed and said, "apparently fear is not a factor for you." And now my dad goes around saying, "BZZZZZZZZZZ." I have never been more embarrassed in my life.

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Valentine's Day Jokes Monday jokes

I just love to do special things for my wife on Valentine's day.
Like open the door for her when she puts all the laundry in the washing machine, or plug and unplug the vacuum as she moves from room to room cleaning.
Guys, it's these little thoughtful things you can do to have a marriage such as mine.

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Technology Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Valentine's Day Jokes Love Jokes

Valentines Day is the day that the "V" and "D" come together

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Dirty jokes Valentine's Day Jokes Sex Jokes

There are three girls at a bar, a red head, a brunette, and a blonde. They have a seat at the bar. The bar tender says, "If you go into the bathroom there is a mirror. Look into the mirror and tell anything in your life that you believe is true. If you are telling the truth then "РООF" a hundred dollars pops out, if you lie then "РООF" you'll disappear." So the red head goes in first and stares deeply into the mirror and proclaims, "I think that i am the most beautiful woman in the world!", "РООF" a hundred dollars pops out. Then the brunette goes in. "I think that i am the smartest woman in the world," "РООF" a hundred dollars pops out. Now it's the blonde's turn. She slowly walks into the bathroom with her hands over her eyes and peeks between her fingers at the mirror. She waits... nothing happens... she is glad. She stands bravely and states, "I think... "РООF " she disappears.

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Blonde Jokes

One day a brunette, a redhead and a blonde decide to go through their daughter's purses.
So, the brunette goes through her daughter's purse and finds cigarettes. She says, "Oh my, I'm so ashamed! My Daughter smokes."
So, the redhead goes through her daughter's purse and finds an empty can of вееr. She says, "Oh my, I'm so ashamed! My daughter drinks."
So, finally, it's the blondes turn and she finds a used соndом. She says, "Oh my, I'm so ashamed! My daughter has a реnis."

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Blonde Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes

What do you name an Asian baby with problems?
Sum ting wong

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Asian jokes Baby Jokes

I went to the seaside yesterday and stopped at this stall with a sign which said "Lobster tails £1".
I gave the man the money and he said "Once upon a time there was a lobster..."

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Food Jokes

Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.

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Blonde Jokes Stupid Jokes

You might be a redneck if you're invited to a come as you party and you show up nакеd.

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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Redneck jokes Stupid Jokes

If you really want to loosen your pectineus, you should skip the squats and let me stretch them out.

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Fitness jokes Flirt jokes

Girl: "Why did the king go to the dentist?"
Boy: "I don't know, Why?"
Girl: "To get a new crown!"

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Dentist Jokes

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.
When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.
The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.
The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"
The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"

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