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A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
"His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, watch this.
He told Sniffer to 'search'.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.
The Policeman said, "Good boy", and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."
"Gee, that's pretty good," replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said, "That man is carrying сосаinе, so again, I'm taking a note of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!" said his seatmate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shiт all over the place.
The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the Policeman, "What's going on?"
The Policeman nervously replied, "He's just found a bomb."
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In Noah’s ark, on day 3 the animals could no longer hold their sеxuаl desire, so they started having sеx with one another.
But Noah got really angry cause the Ark started shaking dangerously and he decided that it was time to put things in order.
So he ordered that every male should get a card stating the name of his wife and the days they were allowed to mate. So they did…
After a couple of days, during breakfast in the Ark’s cafeteria the monkey said to his wife:
"You’ d better get ready ‘cause next Tuesday you’ll suffer cruelly!"
The female monkey felt really ashamed because all of the animals heard her husband…
The day after, the male monkey said to his wife again: "You’ d better get ready ‘cause next Tuesday you’ll suffer cruelly!"
The female monkey feeling really confused, told Noah what had happened, so Noah called the male monkey in his office and asked for an explanation.
“You кinкy monkey! Why do you insist on disgracing your wife in front of all the other animals?” said Noah
“I am not кinкy sir”, said the monkey “I’m just warning her because I lost my card at a poker game and now the elephant has it…”
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One evening, Little Johnny, his brother Little Jimmy, and their father, Big Jimmy John, sat down to eat supper. Big Jimmy John turned to Little Jimmy and asked, "Little Jimmy, what would you like to eat first?"
To this Little Jimmy replied, "I want some of them fuскin' peas."
In a flash, Big Jimmy John slapped the shiт out Little Jimmy.
"Now what did you want to eat first Jimmy?" asked his father.
I want some of them fuскin' peas," said Jimmy.
Big Jimmy John then back handed Little Jimmy clean out of his chair and half way across the room.
Little Jimmy shook it off and promptly returned to the table where his father once again asked, "Little Jimmy, now what would you like to eat?"
Once again Little Jimmy responded, "I want some of them fuскin' peas!"
Furiously, Big Jimmy John snapped, savagely beatting Little Jimmy, leaving him bleeding and unconcious on the kitchen floor.
Returning to the table, short of breathe, and trying to regain his composure, Big Jimmy John turned to his other son Little Johnny and calmly asked,"Well Little Johnny, just what would you like to eat first?"
Little Johnny, glancing at his brother on the floor, turned back to his father and quickely exclaimed, "Well you can bet your sweet аss, it ain't none of them Fuскin' Peas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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A guy and his wife went to an expensive golf course.
He said to his wife, "Be careful of the expensive houses around us. I don't know if we can afford to break a window."
His wife tees off and breaks the biggest window of the most expensive looking house.
He said, "Oh no! We had better go ask how much it's gonna be."
So he and his wife go up to the house and see the door open.
They went inside and saw the golf ball lying next to a broken glass bottle.
A man walks up and says, "Thank you!"
The husband said, "I'm sorry about the..."
And the man interrupts, "Oh don't worry about the window. I have to thank you for getting me out of the bottle. You see, I'm a genie. So you get one wish and your wife gets one, but, in return, you have to give me one."
The husband asks for $100 million.
The genie says, "Done."
The wife asks for 80 exotic sports cars.
Genie says, "Done."
"Now, my wish is to have sеx with your wife because, you know, I've been trapped in that bottle for so long."
They agreed since their extravagant wishes had been granted.
And so the genie has sеx with the man's wife, not just once but many times.
When they're done, the genie asks the wife, "How old is your husband?"
She answers, "33."
And, the man said, "And he still believes in genies?"
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An FM station has a competition where they ring someone up and ask them three personal questions. Then they ring their spouse or partner and ask them the same three questions.
If the answers are the same, the couple wins a holiday to Bali. Last week the competition went like this:
Presenter: Hello, it's XXX-FM, do you want to play the game?
Brian: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 — when was the last time you had sеx?
Brian: Oh, mate. Well, about 8 o'clock this morning.
Presenter: And how long did it go for, Brian ?
Brian: Oh, about 10 minutes.
Presenter: 10 minutes?
Good one.
And where did you do it, mate?
Brian: Oh, mate, I can't say that.
Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here, Brian !
Brian: Okay, okay...on the kitchen table.
Presenter: (much laughter). Good one, Brian. Now, is it okay for us to call your wife?
Brian: Yeah, all right.
Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you?
Sharelle: Hi. Good, thanks.
Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello.
Sharelle: Hi, Brian.
Brian: Hi, Sharelle.
Presenter: Now, Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.
Brian: Just tell the truth, honey.
Sharelle: Okay.
Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sеx ?
Sharelle: Oh, no, I can't say that on the radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.
Sharelle: Okay. About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.
Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That's close enough...Brian was just being a gentleman.
Presenter: Okay, Sharelle — final question.
Where did you do it?
Sharelle: Oh, no I can't say that. My mum could be listening.
No way, no.
Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway.
Just tell them.
Sharelle: Oh, all right. Up the аrsе!
Radio Silence — Advertising
Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now we'll take a music break.
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An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fаrт football!"
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says - "Touchdown, tie score!"
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says - "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, - "Touchdown, tie score!"
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says - "Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!"
Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.
Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!"
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Две момченца седят пред лекарски кабинет. Две деца стоели в чакалнята в поликлиниката. Едно от тях плачело много силно. Катаджия спрял пиян шофор и му казал: Киро и Иванчо,на 7 са в поликлиниката за изследвания. Иванчо плаче та се къса. Не можам Playing Doctor Cop pulls over a man: Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly. A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. A mile down the road, he's stopped by a police officer. Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face.The other guy asked, "Why are you crying?" The first one replied, "I came here for blood test." The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?" The first guy replied, "No. Not... A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says,... Ein Mann wird bei der Polizeikontrolle angehalten. Polizist: Un conducteur se fait arrêter par la police : - soufflez dans le ballon s'il vous plaît. - je peux pas je suis asmathique. - on va alors vous faire une prise de sang. - je ne peux pas, je suis... Toto est dans la salle d'attente de l'infirmerie de l'école, en compagnie d'un petit camarade qui sanglote très fort. - Mais pourquoi pleures-tu comme cela ? demande-t-il. - Je viens pour une... Toto va chez le médecin et voit une fille qui pleure: - Pourquoi tu pleures. - Parce que je vais faire une analyse de sang. - Tu pleure pour sa? - Mon frêre m'a dit que pour faire une analyse de... Toto va chez le docteur et vois une fille qui pleure. Toto : "Pourquoi tu pleures ?" La fille : "Parce que je viens faire une analyse de sang." Toto : "C'est pour sa que tu pleures ?" La fille :... Ανάλυση ούρων Αναλύσεις Εξέταση ούρων Δυο παιδάκια, ο Γιαννάκης κι ο Κωστάκης, κάθονται έξω από τα εξωτερικά ιατρεία του νοσοκομείου. Ο Γιαννάκης κλαίει γοερά. Κωστάκης: Γιατί κλαις; Γιαννάκης: Ήρθα για εξετάσεις αίματος. Κωστάκης:... Bir gün temel hastaneye gitmiş doktorun odasına giderken ağlayan bir Adam görmüş. Adama sormuş: - "Niye agliyursin da" Adam cevap vermiş: - "Kan tahlili için geldim parmağımı kestiler onun acısına... Сидить маленька дівчинка в лікарні й плаче. Підходить до неї хлопчик: — Чому ти плачеш? — Я прийшла робити аналіз крові й мені палець відріжуть. Хлопчик заплакав ще сильніше за дівчинку. — А ти чому плачеш? — запитала дівчинка. — А я прийшов аналіз сечі здавати… Een man komt uit een caf?stapt zijn auto in en rijdt richting huis. Na 200 meterwordt de man aangehouden door een politieagent. Agent: 'Goedenavond meneer, wij doen eenalcoholcontrole. Wilt u even... A rendőr megállít egy autóst: - Jó napot!Személyi igazolványt és forgalmit kérek! - Odaadja neki az autós, a rendőr nézi egy darabig majd így szól: - Kérem, fújjon a szondába! - Nem lehet. - Ugyan,...
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Тате, какво е "щастие"? Между баща и син: - Е, наскоро се ожени. Навярно, вече знаеш какво е това истинско щастие! Отец - сыну: - Вот женишься и тогда поймешь, что такое настоящее счастье! - Да? - Да, но будет уже поздно. - Ти, кажуть, нещодавно одружився. Напевно, тепер ти знаєш, що таке справжнє щастя? - Так. Тепер знаю. Але вже пізно... От коли одружишся, тоді й зрозумієш, що таке щастя. Але пізно буде. Dwóch kumpli przy piwie: - Podobno niedawno się ożeniłeś? - Tak. - Nooo, to teraz już wiesz, czym jest prawdziwe szczęście. - Tak, wiem, ale już jest za późno... Jeg visste ikke hva ekte glede var før jeg ble gift. Da var det for sent. - Nu am aflat ce e adevărata fericire decît după ce m-am însurat... Dar era deja prea tîrziu!
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A Serb and an Albanian from Kosovo found a lamp, rubbed it and the Ginnie showed up in front of them.
"I will grant you three wishes for setting me free out of this lamp. But, since there are two of you, one can have two wishes and the other only one".
A Serb said: "I am very modest, I'll have one wish. Let my Albanian friend have two".
"What is your first wish?", the Ginnie asked Albanian.
"I wish that there are no Serbs in Kosovo at all any more".
"Done", said the Ginnie.
" What is your second wish?"
"I wish that whole of Kosovo is surrounded with high wall, so no more Serbs can return ever again".
" Done", said the Ginnie.
"Now you", sad the Ginnie to a Serb, "What is that you wish?".
A Serb was thinking for a moment, than asked the Ginnie: "Are there realy no more Serbs in Kosovo at all?".
"That's right", said the Ginnie.
"And whole of Kosovo is surrounded with high wall?", a Serb asked again.
"It certainly is. All around. Not even a fly could enter it now", the Ginnie replied.
Then Serb said: "OK, now fill it up with water""
Smart Cape Bretoner Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish are out walking along the beach together one day. Η δίκη του Bin Landen Um brasileiro e um argentino foram os únicos sobreviventes de um desastre aéreo no Saara, Um argentino e um brasileiro encontram uma lampada mágica Gênio: vocês agora são meus amos! Cada um tem direito a um desejo. Argentino:quero que faça aparecer uma muralha em volta da argentina,...
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