Newest jokes - Page 586

Q: Why do Java programmers have to wear glasses?
A: Because they don't C#.

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What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
HeHe

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Periodic table jokes Science jokes Chemistry Jokes Nerd jokes

Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died.
As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly."
St. Peter looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge."
Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota stationwagon."
St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sеx until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."
A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam’s Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying.
"What’s wrong, Sam?" they asked.
"You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so down?"
Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board."

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A kid asks his mom "why his sisters' middle name is Paris?"
"Because that's where we conceived her."
"Next, I was going to ask why my middle name is Chevy but now I know why."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes Baby Jokes Birthday Jokes

Patient: “Doctor, Doctor… I can’t stop stealing things”.
Doctor: “Take these pills for a week. If that doesn’t work, I’ll have a color TV”.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Office and Work Jokes Dark Humor Jokes

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table.
The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat.
"I’ll have some fuскin’ French toast," he says.
The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs.
She asks the middle child what he wants.
"Well, I guess that leaves more fuскin’ French toast for me," he says.
She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away.
Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast.
"I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuскin’ French toast."

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Kids Jokes

There was this little boy who had no name.
One day he went outside and heard someone say Jonny.
He then tells his mother his first name would be Jonny.
The second day he goes outside and hears the name Humper.
So, he tells his mother his middle name was going to be Humper.
The third day, Jonny goes out and hears the name Harder.
Then, he tells his mother his full name shall be Jonny Humper Harder.
Jonny goes out one day with handful of cookies.
He sees this girl around his age and asks her if she would be willing to take off her shirt for a cookie.
The little girls says that she would take off all her close for all of Jonny's cookies.
Jonny gives her the cookies and the girl takes off all her clothes.
Hours later, the towns people all run up to them in the middle of the street and they cry, "JONNY HUMPER HARDER!"
Little Jonny yells, "I'M TRYING, I'M TRYING!"

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Little Johnny Jokes

One night, Murphy was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him.
Murphy and the thief began to wrestle.
They rolled about on the ground and Murphy put up a tremendous fight.
However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.
The thief then went through Murphy’s pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Murphy was 25 cents.
The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Murphy why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents.
"Was that all you wanted?" Murphy replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I’ve got in me shoe!"

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Money jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, widower, with 11 grandchildren. Last night I met two beautiful flight attendants. They took me home and I made love to both of them. Twice.”
The priest says, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”
“Never Father, I’m Jewish.”
“So then, why are you telling me?”
“I’m telling everybody!”

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Jewish Jokes Dirty jokes Old People Jokes Priest Jokes Aviation Jokes Priest Jokes

I have asked my mamma: "Mamma, why do we have 10 соск birds but only 1 hen?"
Mama has said to me: "Because I want that she has a better life than I had."

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I used to think maths was useless, but then one day I realised that decimals had a point.

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Science jokes Math Jokes

Yo mama so ugly, people break into her house to close the curtains!

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Yo Momma Jokes Ugly Jokes

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of вiтсhеs who want off, get the hеll off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of вiтсhеs who are getting on, get your аssеs in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are рissеd off about the two hour delay, please see the вiтсh in the kitchen."

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Dirty jokes Office and Work Jokes Christmas Jokes

A desperate man goes to the doctor because he can't get a hard-on. He says:
"Doc I can't live without sеx, I need the use of my equipment back!!"
The Doc says:
"There is an experimental procedure where the muscles of a baby elephants' trunk are removed and implanted in your реnis, this gives you the full use of your реnis."
"Great I'll do it."
Some time after the procedure, the man is at dinner with his date. He feels a rustle in his pants. So he just ignored it.
It happens again.
So he figured it just needed some air.
So he unzips his pants to let it out. The problem seemed to go away until his реnis reached up onto the table, grabbed a roll and disappeared back under the table.
His date stared in complete awe and said:
"Can you do that again"
"Probably but I don't think I could fit another roll up my аss."

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Teacher: "Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once.
How much is six plus four?"
Class: "At once!"

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Science jokes School Jokes Math Jokes

Allstate gets insurance from Chuck Norris, because even Allstate needs to be in good hands.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Insurance Comedy

What's an extroverted IT professional?
One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you, instead of his own.

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IT jokes Computer Jokes Programmer Jokes

A man is on a plane. The pilot starts talking on the intercom and then lays it down without knowing its still on.
The pilot says to the co-pilot, "I could use two things right now, a cup of coffee and a вlоwjов."
Stuartist runs up the isle to tell the pilot to turn off the intercom.
The man stands up and says, "Hey hun, dont forget the coffee."

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My wife is so negative.
I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.
Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

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Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands.
This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.
This confirms too, that women are always confused and don't know what they want.

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