Newest jokes - Page 585

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Jokes about Women

Two junior doctors were involved in a fight in the hospital.
A senior consultant had to pull them apart.
"What's all this about?" asked the consultant angrily.
"It's the Tax Inspector in C ward," said one.
"He's only got 2 days to live."
"He had to be told." said the second doctor.
"I know," said the first, "but I wanted to be the one to tell him!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Tax jokes

Two Irishmen friends are drinking together at one of their homes. One friend takes out a bottle of Irish whiskey and asks the other, "Will you pour this bottle out on my grave if I die first?" His friend replies, "Do you mind if I pass it through my kidneys first?"

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Friendship Jokes Nationality Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Two drunks are walking along.
One drunк says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon."
The other drunк stops and looks at his drunк friend.
"You're wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."
They began to argue when they come upon another drunк.
They asked, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument?
Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining.
Is it the moon or the sun?"
The third drunк looked at the sky and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Friendship Jokes

Two coworkers were talking by the water fountain one guy said, "Today I got through the first step of getting divorced."
The second guy replies, "Oh, did you go to Mr. Guggenheim? Everyone goes to him for divorces."
The first man replies, "No, I just got married".

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Lawyer Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Divorce Jokes

Two blondes were talking in heaven, they were discussing how they died. The first blonde said 'I had a heart attack, my family has a long line of heart disease, I guess it was my time.' The second blonde said ' oh.. I froze to death, it was NOT the way I wanted to die, its too late now.' 'the first blonde asked, 'what is it like to freeze to death?' 'It is cold, but soon its kinda peaceful, once you know you're dying. What happened before you had your heart attack? 'the first blonde answered ' I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I went home early. my car is really old, so my husband probably could hear me pull into the driveway. That give his girlfriend plenty of time to hide. when I walked into the house, it was quiet. I ran up to out bedroom and found my husband watching tv in bed. I could see a glimpse of a вrа underneath our bed that definitely wasn't mine, so I immediately accused him of cheating, and I ran around the house to find the hое. I checked in every room, but when I got to the attic, I had a heart attack that instantly killed me.' the second blonde moaned 'shame, if you had only looked in the freezer, we would both still be alive.'

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Blonde Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Cheating Jokes

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in.
The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out.
This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.

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School Jokes

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude.
But eventually his turn came.
Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
The teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnnie.
"Well I can see that," she said.
"But what is so exciting about a period."
"I don't know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one and Daddy totally freaked out and Mommy fainted"

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School Jokes Kids Jokes Dad Jokes

I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code.

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IT jokes Computer Jokes Programmer Jokes Geek jokes

Yo mama so fат when she went sky diving in a blue jump suit, all the kids below said, "Ahhhh! The sky is falling!"

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Yo Momma Jokes Sports Jokes Kids Jokes

While standing in front of the gorilla's cage, a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, веnт open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.
When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "Fuск you! " in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better and he vowed revenge.
The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage.
Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, where he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn.
Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat.
The gorilla looked at him, looked at the hat, and put it on. Next, he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same.
Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half.
The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid."

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Animal Jokes Men jokes

The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.

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Chuck Norris Jokes

If the Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up, they'd be alloys.

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Men jokes Chemistry Jokes Nerd jokes Superhero Jokes

When the first legal brothel opened here in Brissy I got the OK from the missus to check it out and have myself a good time.
I was in there like a flash and as I was the only client at that time I has my choice of the buffet on offer.
I chose a gorgeous tall slim redhead but before moving off to the rooms she stated that she wont work with anyone unless they are 10 inches.
Being a little embarrassed as you would be I asked her politely to sit back down.
I mean after all, no matter how hot they were I wasn't about to cut 2 inches of my manhood for anyone...

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Office and Work Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes

How do you make a group of lawyers to smile for a photo?
Just say, "Fees."

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Judge and Court Jokes Lawyer Jokes

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home.
The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."
The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at eight o'clock I get up and try to move my воwеls. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."
Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas, I'm ninety years old. Every morning at seven o'clock sharp I urinate. Every morning at eight o'clock I move my воwеls. Every morning at nine o'clock sharp I wake up."

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Old People Jokes Men jokes

A 64-year-old lady never had any kids, so she went to her doctor and asked if he would help her with in-vitro fertilization.
He said, "You're a little old, but I guess we could give it a try."
A few months later she got pregnant.
She invited her girlfriends over to see the baby, and they all very anxious to see the baby boy. The newly mother said, "why don't we just talk awhile."
As time went on, her friends asked again and again where is the baby...
She said, "We never get a chance to talk, and here is our chance to catch up!"
Finally they insisted on seeing him.
She said, "Well, we'll just have to wait until he cries before you all can see him."
The women were puzzled.
And she said, "I don't remember where I put him."

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Jokes about Women Kids Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Old People Jokes Friendship Jokes Baby Jokes

Q: Why do Java programmers have to wear glasses?
A: Because they don't C#.

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IT jokes Technology Jokes Computer Jokes Programmer Jokes Nerd jokes

What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
HeHe

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Periodic table jokes Science jokes Chemistry Jokes Nerd jokes

Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died.
As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly."
St. Peter looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge."
Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota stationwagon."
St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sеx until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."
A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam’s Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying.
"What’s wrong, Sam?" they asked.
"You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so down?"
Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board."

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Car and driving jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

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