Newest jokes - Page 610

Sеx at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

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Раddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. “I think it’s got epilepsy” he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says “It seems calm enough to me”. Раddy says, “I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet”.

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Irish jokes

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant.
Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said.
"But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

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Business jokes School Jokes Money jokes Men jokes

Q: You know what would make America great again?
A: If we kept the Mexicans and deported the hipsters.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes USA Jokes Mexican jokes Hipster Jokes

Q: How many jews can you fit in a VW Beetle?
A: 54, two in the front, two in the back, and fifty in the ashtray.

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Jewish Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Rude Jokes

Why is there no mexican olympics?
Because everyone who can run, jump, or swim is already across the boarder.

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Mexican jokes Sports Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes

A Psychic buying clothes..
Employee: How about this one?
Psychic: That shirt is too small.
Employee: You didn’t even try it on.
Psychic: I’m a medium.

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Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes

What happens if someone steals uranium?
It becomes theiranium.

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Funny Riddles

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

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Drug Jokes

'My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''

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One-Liner Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Life Jokes

A defendant isn’t happy with how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time.

Judge: “Where do you work?”

Defendant: “Here and there.”

Judge: “What do you do for a living?”

Defendant: “This and that.”

Judge: “Take him away.”

Defendant: “Wait! When will I get out?”

Judge: “Sooner or later.”

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Judge and Court Jokes Office and Work Jokes

One day YouTube, Twitter and Facebook will merge and be known as YouTwitFace :)

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Facebook Jokes Social Network Jokes One-Liner Jokes

Jesus said to John, "Come forth and receive eternal life."
He came fifth and received a toaster.

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Christmas Jokes Religion jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes

You might be a redneck if you see a sign that says no сrаск and it reminds you to pull your pants up.

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Redneck jokes

I hate it how my friends come in my house, do you have a bathroom? NOPE we shiт in the backyard -,-

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Friendship Jokes Funny Quotes

I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and sтuрid.

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Men jokes Valentine's Day Jokes

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drunк.

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Nationality Jokes Irish jokes Sick and Death Jokes What's The Difference Jokes

A Pakistani boy took admission in an American school...
Teacher:
"Whats your name?"
Boy:
"Nadir"
Teacher:
"No, now you are in America, your name is Johnny from today."
Boy went home and his mother asked:
"How was the day Nadir?"
Boy:
"I am an American now, so call me Johnny."
Mom and Dad both got offended and beat him up. Next day he was back to school all bruised...
Teacher:
"What happened Johnny?"
Boy:
"Ma'm, just 6 hours after I became American, I was attacked by two Pakistani terrorists."

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes School Jokes USA Jokes Dad Jokes American Jokes

A big party is being held to honor relational database systems and their impact on modern society.
Outside the venue, the host awaits the guests.
The first limousine arrives and out steps Oracle followed by 4 people.
Host: Who have you brought along?
Oracle: I have 4 DBA's in tow. One to install me, one to design the databases, one to administer me, and the other to justify the cost.
A second limo arrives and out steps DB2 followed by 40 people.
Host: Who have you bought along?
DB2: I have 2 DBA's, 2 hardware specialists, and 36 consultants.
A third limo arrives and out steps SQL Server all on his own.
Host: Why haven't you brought anyone?
SQL Server: I didn't bring anyone because I am easy to install and am basically self managing. But I did bring the #sqlhelp Twitter hashtag for when the excrement hits the fаn.
20 minutes later, up rushes MySQL, unshaved, hair a mess.
Host: Where have you been MySQL?
MySQL: Sorry, I thought it was February 31st.

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Social Network Jokes Technology Jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Computer Jokes Programmer Jokes Geek jokes

Let the Wookiee win. While you're at it, let the Wookiee have the right of way in traffic. If they tip badly, do not complain. If the Wookiee does not return library books right on time, do not fine them. If they take food from your refrigerator, just let it go. Finally, if the Wookiee is your customer, remember that the customer is always right.

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Food Jokes Star Wars Jokes

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