Newest jokes - Page 76

A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.
"No!" yells the blonde.
Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.
"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hеll not?"
The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"

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A man dies, and his wife gets him cremated. She takes the ashes home and starts talking to them.
"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."
Then she whispers, "You know that вlоw job I promised you? Well, here it comes."

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Q: What comes after 69?
A: Mouthwash.

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I asked my grandma if she had ever tried 69.
She said, "No, but I have done 53 - that's all the sailors I could sсrеw in one night."

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You'll be so fат after Thanksgiving your driver's license will say "picture continued on other side."

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Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to sсrеw in a light bulb?
A: One. What are you - sтuрid?

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Car and driving jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Light bulb jokes

A senior citizen was driving down the freeway when his wife called his cell phone.
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"

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Car and driving jokes

A plane is passing through a storm when a wing is struck by lightning. One woman freaks out and screams, "I'm too young to die! I want my last minutes of life to be satisfying. I've had plenty of sеx, but I've never been fulfilled. Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"
A gorgeous man stands up. "I can make you feel like a woman."
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. Muscles ripple across his chest as he extends his shirt to the trembling woman and whispers, "Iron this."

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Car and driving jokes

A trucker misses the turn-off before the low bridge and gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car pulls up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

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Ethel loves to charge around the nursing home in her wheelchair. Due to her eccentric nature, other residents tolerate her behavior and even play along.
As Ethel speeds down one corridor, a door opens and a man steps out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he says in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fishes around in her handbag and pulls out a candy wrapper. "OK," he says and she goes on her way.
As she rounds the next corner, another man steps in front of her and shouts, "STOP! Do you have a valid taxi medallion for your vehicle, madam?" Ethel digs into her handbag again and pulls out a вееr coaster. "Looks good," he says and sends her on her way.
Going down the final corridor, a third man steps in front of her. He is stark nакеd and holds an еrестiоn in his hand. "Oh no," says Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!"

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A wife comes home and tells her husband, "Dear, something is wrong with my car. It's got water in the carburetor."
The husband replies, "That's not possible."
"Well," says the wife, "I'm telling you that's the problem."
The husband gets up and sighs, "OK, fine. Where'd you park it?"
The wife points toward the backyard, "In the swimming pool."

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Car and driving jokes

A man sits next to a very attractive woman on an airplane.
He asks her what kind of men she is interested in.
Her top three choices are Native American men, Jewish men and Southern men. The woman asks the man what his name is.
He replies "Geronimo Bernstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

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An elderly couple sets sail on a romantic cruise. Unfortunately, as the ship leaves the dock, the wife's hearing aid falls out and rolls overboard. Then, the old couple find bunk beds in their suite. The husband sourly thinks, "Dамn! She can't hear a thing AND no sеx for a week!"
That night, the husband taps his wife on the shoulder and asks, "Up or down?"
She immediately throws him on the bed and makes love to him.
Night after night, she repeats this behavior every time he asks "up or down?"
When they get home, the husband goes out shopping for bunk beds to keep things spicy.
The wife returns with her new hearing aid and finds the bunk beds in the bedroom. "What in the hеll did you get bunk beds for?"
"Every night I asked you 'up or down,' you made wild passionate love to me. I thought they turned you on."
"Is that what you were saying? I thought you were asking 'f**k or drown!'"

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Car and driving jokes

Every day after work two blondes would look for their cars together. Since they could never remember where they parked, they would sit around until all the cars were gone and they could spot their vehicles.
One blonde says "We need to find a faster way to get home."
The next day, they come to work on a donkey. After work they come out and see a donkey tied to the fence.
I think we're going to have to wait again, " says the one blonde. "I'm not convinced that's our donkey."
"Why not?" asks the second blonde.
The first blonde says, "Well, this donkey only has one a**hole, and this morning when we rode in, I distinctly overhead someone say, 'Hey look at those two a**holes on that donkey.'"

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Office and Work Jokes Car and driving jokes Blonde Jokes Animal Jokes

A young boy sits on the edge of the sidewalk, eats some M&Ms, cuts off the back end of a grasshopper, and then moves down the curb. He does this over and over.
His mother asks him what he's doing. He says, "I'm playing trucker. I pop some pills, cut off some a**hole and keep moving."

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Car and driving jokes

Q: What do a Kenworth semi-truck and a test tube baby have in common?
A: Neither one's Peterbilt.

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Car and driving jokes

Redneck Воотy Call... Truck:
That's why they call it a pick-up truck!

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Car and driving jokes

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.
As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"
"He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."

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A man and his wife check into a cheap hotel. The husband goes down to the bar, but his tired wife goes up to the room to lie down. Suddenly, an elevated train passes by very close to the window, shakes the room and throws her out of bed. She lies down again, but the same thing happens.
She calls the front desk, and the manager comes up to investigate. The wife says, "Lie here on the bed, you'll be thrown right to the floor."
The manager lies down next to the wife just as her husband walks in.
"What's going on here?" demands the husband.
The manager replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

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Car and driving jokes Hotel Jokes Boss Jokes

A cheap tourist in a Mexican town known for prostitution picks up a hоокеr.
After paying her, he drives off, shouting back, "El dollar, counterfeito!"The рrоsтiтuте smiles and shouts back, "El syphilis, originale!"

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