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Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there.
St. Peter said, “I know that you guys are forgiven because you’re here.
Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something.
You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will depend on your answer.”
The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, “How long were you married?”
The first guy says, “24 years.”
“Did you ever cheat on your wife?”, Peter asked.
The guy said, “Yeah, 7 times…but you said I was forgiven.”
Peter said, “yeah, but that’s not too good. Here’s a Pinto to drive.”
The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter. The second guy said, “I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out good.”
Peter said, “I’m pleased to hear that, here’s a Lincoln.”
The 3rd guy walked up and said, “Peter, I know what you’re going to ask.
I was married for 63 years and didn’t even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!”
Peter said, “That’s what I like to hear. Here’s a Jaguar!”
A few days later, the 2 guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk.
When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said,
“I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!”
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20 Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters II
11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.
13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.
14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.
15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.
16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.
17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.
18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of asprin.
19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.
20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you're finished.
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I couldn’t take my eyes off this girl in the bar the other night. She had the most fantastic body I’d ever seen. It was only when she turned around though, that I saw how ugly her face was. Feeling a bit let down I got up to go the toilet, and by the time I got back, she had left.
Later on my mate passed me a piece of paper and said, “Oh… I forgot. That lass at the bar asked me to give you this.” On it she’d written, “I saw you looking at me earlier.. Why don’t you get in touch sometime,” followed by her phone number.
The most amazing thing was that she had signed the note, “from Horseface.”
I couldn’t help but admire how she’d come to terms with the way she looked in such a self-deprecating and humorous way, so I decided to text her and ask for a date.
“Hi Horseface,” I wrote, “I’d love to meet up sometime. Next Tuesday OK?”
I’d just fired off the text when my mate saw what I was doing and said, “You’re not actually replying to that are you? Fuскing hеll, Dave! I only wrote Horseface on the bottom so you’d know it was that fuскing ugly one!”
Ugly Jokes
After three or four days of research, a casual perusal of the ancient texts, an afternoon fishing off the dock with a student doing a Master’s thesis on etymology, various hunters and plumbers and carpenters, we can present a reasonably good translation of men’s English into understandable English: ……
…….
Men’s English: ……
……….
I’m hungry = I’m hungry ……..
I’m tired = I’m tired.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sеx with you after a movie.
Can I take you out for dinner? = I’d like to have sеx with you after dinner.
Can I call you sometime? = Eventually I would like to have sеx with you.
May I have this dance? = Eventually I would like to have sеx with you.
Nice dress = Nice rack, nice cleavage
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fоndlе you.
What’s wrong? = I guess sеx tonight is out of the question.
I’m bored = Do you want to have sеx tonight?
I love you = There I said it, Let’s have sеx now.
I love you too = Now we have to have sеx!
Let’s talk = I am trying to prove to you that I am a deep person and maybe then you’ll have sеx with me.
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sеx with other guys.
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