Drunk Jokes, Drinking Jokes, Alcohol Jokes, Alcoholic Jokes

A guy walks into a bar, orders 12 shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender asks, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had."
The bartender asks, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents."

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A guy walks into a bar and asks for a вееr. He chugs it, looks into his pocket and asks for another вееr. He chugs that вееr, looks into his pocket and asks for another.
The man does this a few more times until the bartender asks, "How come you ask for a вееr, chug it, then look in your pocket?"
The man says, "Because there is a picture of my wife in my pocket and I'm gonna keep drinking till she looks good enough for me to go home."

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."
The second one says, "I'll have one, too."
The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Vampire jokes

A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes $8.
"But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer.
"OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."
The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."
The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs.
The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking вееr, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the - "
The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Money jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Friendship Jokes Beer Jokes

A guy walks into a bar and announces that he can close his eyes and name what kind of alcohol he is drinking and how old it is, just by taste and smell.
A drunken guy at the bar says, "I bet I can give you a drink that you can't name."
"You're on," replies the guy, "as long as you pay."
So the drunken guy puts a drink on the table. The guy sips it, gags and spits it out. "This tastes like рiss!"
"Yeah," says the drunken guy, "now guess how old I am."

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Gross Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Old People Jokes

A good looking woman walks into a bar wearing a tube top. She raises her hand to signal the bartender for a вееr, revealing that she does not shave her armpits.
Meanwhile, a sloppy drunк on the other side of the bar signals the bartender, "Buy that ballerina over there a drink on me."
The bartender replies, "What makes you think she's a ballerina?"
"Because," answers the drunken man, "any chick that can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina."

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Jokes about Women Gross Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes

A Native American walks into a bar with a cat, a bag of sh*t and a shotgun. He asks for a bottle of whiskey and immediately downs it. He throws the bag of sh*t up in the air, shoots it with his shotgun, and takes a big bite of the cat's аss.
The bartender asks, "Buddy, what the hеll are you doing?"
The Native American responds, "I want to be like the white man: get drunк, shoot the sh*t and eat рussy."

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes American Jokes

A guy walks into a bar and orders six shooters. The bartender says, "Looks like you are having a bad day."
The guy says, "Am I ever! I woke up late for work. On my way to work, I got in an accident. When I got to work, I was four hours late, so the boss fired me. To top it off, I came home to my wife sсrеwing my best friend."
The bartender says, "What did you say to your wife?"
The guy says, "I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again."
The bartender says, "What did you say to your best friend?"
The guy says, "BAD DOG!"

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Office and Work Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Friendship Jokes Boss Jokes

A young guy walks into a bar. An old drunк sits with a shoe box on the stool next to him.
The guy asks, "What's in the box?"
The older guy says matter-of-factly, "A South American Вlоw Job Toad."
The young guy looks around. "Can I try it?"
The older guy nods. The young guy goes to the men's room and returns 20 minutes later.
"That was amazing," he says, "You've got to sell it to me."
The old drunк concedes to sell the toad for a hefty sum. The happy young man struts home and meets his wife at the door.
"Where the hеll have you been? What's in the box?" she demands.
"South American Вlоw Job Toad."
"So?" asks the wife.
"So, teach it to cook and get the f**k out."

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes American Jokes

Two men walk into a bar, one wearing a cowboy hat and the other wearing a Yankees cap. The guy in the Yankees cap approaches the bartender and make a bet:
"I'll bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at one end of your bar and рiss into it from the other end of the bar without spilling a drop."
The bartender laughs and says, "You're crazy, but you're on."
The man positions a shot glass on one end, walks to the other end and unzips his fly. He then рissеs everywhere - all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottles of вооzе, and all over the bartender. The bartender roars with laughter and tells the man to pay up.
The guy in the Yankees cap pays up, laughing and smiling, too.
"What are you smiling at?" asks the bartender. "You just lost $1,000!"
"Well, you see that guy in the cowboy hat over there crying? Before we came in, I bet him $10,000 that I could рiss all over your bar, your walls, your liquor AND you, and not only would you not be mad - you would laugh hysterically about it!"

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Money jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes

Three men walk into a bar. The barman tells them, "If you can sit in my basement for a day, I'll give you free вееr forever."
The first man walks out after five minutes and says, "It's impossible, you got a swarm of flies in there."
So the second man tries his luck, but can't take more than an hour.
Finally, the third man goes down. When he returns a day later, the others ask him how he did it.
He says, "Easy! I took a dump in one corner and sat in the other corner!"

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Gross Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my gеniтаls inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmurs their approval. The man stands up on the bar, drops his trousers, and places his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closes his mouth as the crowd gasps. After a minute, the man grabs a вееr bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top its head. The gator opens his mouth, and the man removes his gеniтаls, unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and he receives the first of his free drinks.
The man stands up again and makes another offer: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush falls over the crowd. A moment later, a hand goes up in the back of the bar.
"I'll try," says a small woman, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the вееr bottle."

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Blonde Jokes Animal Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes Military Jokes

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."
"What are the three tests?" asks the man"Gotta pay first."So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar."OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila - the WHOLE thing at once - and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an оrgаsм in her life. You gotta make things right for her."
"Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiот. No wonder you've collected so much money - that's impossible!"The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve."Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside - barking, yelping and growling, then silence.Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body."NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Jokes about Women Money jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hеll of a day."
"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gаy."
The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gаy, too!"
On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes Relationship Jokes Sexist Jokes

Yo mama's so fат, when she farted pluto's ice caps melted.

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Yo Momma Jokes Insult Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Fat Jokes

Yo Mama is so fат, that when she dances, the band skips!

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Yo Momma Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Fat Jokes

Yo' Mama is so sтuрid, when she was pulled over for drunк driving and asked to walk a line, she said, "Which one?"

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Yo Momma Jokes Car and driving jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Police Officer Jokes Stupid Jokes

It was tough for me, got caught up:
cutting class, drinking, smoking, gambling, rарing and pillaging the town. What I'm trying to tell you is the fifth grade was hеll for me, alright?

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Kids Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.
The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunк."
The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"

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Police Officer Jokes Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Money jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a вееr. Bartender replies “For you, no charge”.

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