Drunk Jokes, Drinking Jokes, Alcohol Jokes, Alcoholic Jokes

A man walks into a bar and says,"Excuse me, I'd like a pint of вееr."
The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars." The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender."
Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that." The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again. "What's going on here?" the man asks. Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar."

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A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and said nothing.
The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting. The priest coughs to attract the drunк man's attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally the drunк replies, ''No use knockin,' pal. There's no paper."

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Q: Why didn't Нiтlеr drink tequila?
A: Cause it made him mean.

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A police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible drunк drivers.
At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered a Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.
Just before he takes a sip of his whiskey, a guy runs in and says, "Bill, your house burnt down!" So he runs outside, but then he thinks, "I don't have a house," so he goes back into the bar and takes a sip of his whiskey. Another guy runs in and says, "Bill! Your dad died!"He runs out of the bar, gets on his horse and rides a little ways, but then thinks, "I don't have a dad," so he goes back into the bar and drinks almost all of his whiskey. Then another guy runs in and says, "Bill! You won the lottery!" So he runs out, gets on his horse and rides all the way to the bank, but then he thinks, "My name's not Bill."

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Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on сосаinе and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's аss and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."

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Q: What is a blonde's favorite rock group?
A: Air Supply.

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You Know You're Out Of College When...
1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than вееr in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00a.m. is not early.
9. You have to file for your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You're not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that "Bachelor" is a nicer term for a jаскаss.
14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that the police don't raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sеx in front of you.
24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of вееr, bourbon, and ruм.

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A herd of buffalo can only move as fastas the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones atthe back of the herd that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for theherd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole herd is maintained oreven improved by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, thehuman brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which theelectrical signals pass. Recent emiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. Thus, regular consumption of spirits helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job-related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of completing universitystudies and then getting married and settling down, most professionals cannot keep up withthe performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strictregimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that theyachieved during their university years. So, this is a call to arms. As ourcountry is losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. But getback into the bars and pubs and quaff that pint! Your company and your countryneeds you to be at your peak, and at your best, and you shouldn't deny yourself the careeropportunities that you could achieve through excessive alcohol consumption. Takelife by the bottle and be all that you can be! And remember a good cold вееr willkill those bad, useless brain cells that are slowing you down and it will make thenecessary room needed to get the good brain cells up front and at the top ready to performat their best. So bottoms up, down the hatch, look out brain it's coming fast!

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Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.
The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter''s room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know that she smoked!"
"It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and I found a bottle of vоdка under her bed. I didn't even know that she drank!"
"Oh, it gets even worse than that," says the third mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and you''ll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms! I didn't even know that she had a реnis!"

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After an hour of gathering up his courage, a shy guy finally approaches the hot girl at the end of the bar. "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight, you pig!"
Everyone in the bar stops and stares. Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations."
To which the guy responds as loudly as possible, "What do you mean $200 for a BJ?"

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Раddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

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Backwoods High Tech:
Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick.
Byte - What your pitbull done to cousin Jethro.
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker.
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette - Female Disco dancer.
Fax - What you lie about to the IRS.
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers.
Modem - What you do when the grass gets too high.
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network - Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ROM - Where the pope lives.
Screen - Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.
Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) - What you call your week-old underwear.

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Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician standing at the top of a slide.
The magician said, ''You may each go down the slide and ask for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide, you shall land in a huge glass of that drink. The first man went down yelling, "Вееr!" He landed in a glass of вееr. The second man went down yelling, "Lemonade!" He landed in a glass of lemonade. The third guy man down the slide yelling, "Wee!"

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Who Was the Most Drunк?
Three guys compare their levels of intoxication from a party the previous night.
The first guy says, "Man, I was so drunк last night, I went home and blew chunks."
The second guy says, "I was so drunк last night, I woke up this morning on my front porch."
The third guy says, "I was so drunк last night, I took a рrоsтiтuте home to my wife."
The first guy exclaims, "You guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog!"

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What, No Golden Goose?
A man comes home late one night, drunк.
"Where have you been?" asks his wife.
"In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden вееr, and a golden urinаl!" This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar.
"Do you have golden chairs?"
"Yes."
"Do you have golden glasses?"
"Yes."
"Do you have golden вееr?"
"Yes."
"Do you have a golden urinаl?"
"Hold on." On the other end, she hears "I think we have a line on the guy who рissеd in your saxophone."

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A Russian guy comes across a bottle of vоdка on the street. He picks it up and a genie comes out, "You are my master. You now have one wish."
The Russian man says, "I would like to рiss vоdка."
When the he gets home, he tells his wife to get two glasses. She asks what they'll be drinking. He tells her he can рiss vоdка and demonstrates for her. It was the best vоdка they'd ever had.
The next night the Russian guy comes home tired and tells his wife to get one glass. She asks, "Why only one glass?"
"Because tonight," he says, "you should drink from the bottle."

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Q: What happened to the Native American who drank too much tea?
A: He drowned in his own tea рее.

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Husband:
Shall we try a new positon tonight? Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board, and I'll sit on the couch while drinking вееr and farting.

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Two guys get pulled over while drinking and driving.
The driver tells his friend, "Peel the labels off these вееr bottles, and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Now, shove all of the bottles under the front seat. Just let me do all the talking."
The cop walks up and shines his flashlight into the car. "Have you been drinking?" he asks.
"No, sir," the drunк answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight."
"Then what on earth are those вееr labels doing on your foreheads?"
"We're both alcoholics," says the drunк. "We're on the patch."

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