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Baby Jokes

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Girlfriend pregnant error... Abort, Marry, Ignore?

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Marriage and Family Jokes Computer Jokes Baby Jokes

How do you unload a truck of zombie babies?
With a pitchfork.

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Gross Jokes Baby Jokes

What is a baby?
"A soft pink thing that makes a lot of noise at one end and has no sense of responsibility at the other."

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Kids Jokes Baby Jokes

Why are test tube babies the most beautiful ones?
Because they're hand made.

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Dark Humor Jokes Baby Jokes Beauty Jokes

Little Johnny's teacher asks him, "If I have 5 cookies, and I give you 2, how many cookies do I have left?"
Little Johnny replies, "Zero, you're giving me more than just 3 cookies. I'm taking all 5 baby!"
The teacher just facepalms herself. "I can strongly suggest that you work on your math skills Johnny." the teacher suggests.
"Oh I know math, one man plus one girl, subtract a соndом, equals a baby!" Little Johnny says.

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School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Dirty jokes Math Jokes Baby Jokes

Which is the only day you you are safe in a cannibal village?
Sitter days (when they eat the baby-sitter instead)!

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Dark Humor Jokes Baby Jokes

What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Blonde Jokes Baby Jokes

What do you get when you have sеx with a pregnant woman?
A baby with a black eye!

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Jokes about Women Dark Humor Jokes Sex Jokes Baby Jokes Pregnancy Jokes

When a woman found out that she was pregnant, she lit up the phone lines telling everyone the good news.
One day later that week, she took her 4 year old son, Sam, out shopping.
A woman asked the boy if he was excited about the baby.
"Yes", he said. "I know what we're going to name it.
If it is a girl, we're calling her Molly and if it is a boy, we're going to call it quits.

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Jokes about Women News and Politics Jokes Baby Jokes Phone jokes

What is height of Laziness?
Adopting a child.

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Kids Jokes Baby Jokes

Woman delivers baby.
Doctor takes the baby, and throws it, smashing around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc.
Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging "WHY!?"
Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankle and says "I'm just fuскing with you, it was born dead".

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Jokes about Women Medical and Doctor Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Nurse jokes Baby Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

When Chuck Norris was a baby, he suскеd on a pacifier and made it cry.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Baby Jokes

Johnny comes home from school and asks his mom what is a "period".
His mom says that "A period is when a woman needs to realease her dead egg cells".
Johnny asks what color is it.
She says it's red.
Johnny said "I have one of those but mine is white and it makes babies."

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Jokes about Women School Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Dirty jokes Baby Jokes

How do you fit 500 babies into a phone booth?
With a blender.
How do you get them out?
Nachos - make a dipping and snacking motion.

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Dark Humor Jokes Baby Jokes Phone jokes

Your momma's рussy is so hairy, when your brother was born he died of rugburn.

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Yo Momma Jokes Baby Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Dead baby jokes

Q: What's red, white, and cries a lot?
A: A baby with a razor!

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Dark Humor Jokes Baby Jokes Morbid jokes

I got home to see my two months pregnant wife crouched in the bathroom crying.
Her red, smudged eyes looked at me as she told me she'd lost the baby.
I told the silly thing not to be so upset, I could clearly see it in the toilet.

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Gross Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Baby Jokes

The best thing about trying to name a baby is realizing how many people you hate.

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Baby Jokes

What's red and sits in a corner?
A baby playing with a razor blade.

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Gross Jokes Baby Jokes

A Black man bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, announcing that his wife had just given birth to "a typical black baby boy weighing 20 pounds."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" were heard.
A woman fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returned to the bar.
The bartender said, "Say, you're the proud father of an amazing black baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth.
How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "Fifteen pounds."
The bartender was puzzled.
"Why?
What happened?
He weighed 20 pounds at birth?"
The father drank the bottle of whisky at one go, wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and said, "Had him circumcised."

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Baby Jokes Black People Jokes