Baby Jokes

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the Doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was вrеаsт-fed or bottle-fed.
"Вrеаsт-fed," she replied.
"Sтriр down to your waist," the Doctor said. She did. He pinched her niррlеs, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both вrеаsтs for awhile in a detailed examination. Motioning her to get dressed, he said,
"No wonder this baby is underweight, you don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

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One morning when I was going out of the house I met my neighbor's daughter who was pregnant. When I returned home I saw her father closing the door.
I told him: "Your daughter hasn't married yet I wonder how it is possible a girl without any husband be pregnant?
For a moment her father with a bitter smile said: "She isn't pregnant; it is all wind in her belly. She farts and would recovery."
Next year perchance I saw the same girl with a baby in her arms.
Next day when I was going out facing her father so I told him: "I saw your daughter with her fаrт in her arms."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Baby Jokes Communication Jokes Fart Jokes

For 3 years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!"Helen, why didn't you write when you learnt you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a ваsтаrd in the family than a lawyer."

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Lawyer Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Baby Jokes Cheating Jokes

Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib he said: "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, 'Why, Thank you Johnny."
Johnny said: "He has beautiful little feet, beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 Vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cos he'd be f*cked if he needed glasses!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Baby Jokes Beauty Jokes

Suzy asked her big sister Samantha how babies are made. Samantha explains it to her.
"I still don't get it? Can you show me."
Suzy says.
"OK. Tonight, I will let you watch will my boyfriend, Jack and I sсrеw."
That night, Jack laid Samantha 5 times but Suzy still didn't understand.
The next night Jack was tired of Suzy watching so he offered to have sеx with her.
"OK but I don't want Samantha to watch"
So Samantha went outside.
They are in there for almost an hour and when they come out Jack is smiling like crazy.
"That was fun but I still don't get it."
Says Suzy
The next day the same thing happened.
And the next day.
Finally 2 weeks later Samantha comes home crying.
"Whats wrong," Suzy says.
"Jack dumped me. He said there was someone better."
Said Samantha.
"Let's go talk to him maybe we can change his mind," said Suzy.
When they got there Jack said he made up his mind and there was nothing they could do to change it.
Then he asked to speak to Suzy privately.
He pulled off all of Suzy's clothes and started to sсrеw her.
"OK," Jack said kissing Suzy's neck "I broke up with Samantha now tell me how you got to be so good in bed."
"Fine." She replied, "I asked all my other sisters how babies are made."

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Sex Jokes Kids Jokes Baby Jokes Stupid Jokes Military Jokes

My girlfriend always wanted to know the future job of her baby; so the other day when we were making sеx suddenly she farted.
I told her: "Your baby will be a bugler."

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Sex Jokes Office and Work Jokes Relationship Jokes Baby Jokes Fart Jokes

Two girlfriends meet again after a few years. One is pushing around a baby buggy. The first girlfriend looks at the baby and is perplexed.
"Black skin? Blue slit eyes? A blonde afro? How did you do that?"
Murmurs the other woman.
"Dамn gаngваng! At least he doesn't bark!"

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Friendship Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Baby Jokes Blonde Jokes

On a cold day of January, I went to visit one of my friends in his house; it was snowing and my friend urged me to stay the night with him.
They had only 2 rooms one for themselves and other for their baby; so I suggested to rest in baby' room.
In middle of the night, I need WC which was in the garden and was so difficult for me to go there.
I thought some moments then decided to change my place with the baby.
I did so.
And рissеd in the place of baby; when I returned to change again I saw that the baby had shiттеd in my bed!

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Friendship Jokes Gross Jokes Baby Jokes

A woman, after giving birth to six babies, upon seeing her husband gets up off the hospital bed, walks over to him shouting "I told you not to go doggy style!"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Baby Jokes

Q: What is the difference between baby and knitting?
A: Knitting is weaved by two needles and one ball, but the baby has been made with one needle and two ваlls!

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Dark Humor Jokes Baby Jokes Morbid jokes

A man is visiting a foreign country but does not speak the language that they speak there.
He decides to go to a church service, but the priest is speaking the native language, so the American man just does whatever the man in front of him does.
When the man in front of him stands, so does the American man.
When the man in front of him sits, so does the American man.
At one point, the priest says something, and the man in front of him stood.
So the American man stood too.
Everyone in the church gasped, so the American man hurriedly sat back down.
Later, the American man figured out that the priest was congratulating a birth.
When he had asked who was the father, and both men stood up, it had caused some confusion!

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Church jokes Dad Jokes Baby Jokes Communication Jokes American Jokes Priest Jokes

Kid to her mother: "If you hurt me I'll make you pregnant by a needle."
Mother: "How? My sweet it isn't possible."
Kid: "I'll insert the needle to daddy's соndом!"

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Kids Jokes Sex Jokes Vulgar jokes Baby Jokes

After giving birth, I quit my job.
The exit questionnaire asked, "What steps would have prevented you from leaving?"
My answer: "Birth control."

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Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Baby Jokes Birthday Jokes

Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister.
The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they'd have to move.
"It's no use," Robbie said. "She's crawling good now and she'd probably just follow us."

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Baby Jokes

Q: What did the blonde do when she found out she was pregnant with triplets?
A: She went looking for the three guys.

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Blonde Jokes Sex Jokes Baby Jokes Stupid Jokes

Single and ready to get nervous around anyone I find attractive.

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Baby Jokes

Q: What's the idea of a blonde of natural childbirth?
A: No make-up.

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Blonde Jokes Baby Jokes Beauty Jokes Birthday Jokes

Q: What do pregnant teenagers and their unborn babies have in common?
A: Both their moms are going to кill them!

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Dark Humor Jokes Kids Jokes Baby Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Morbid jokes

A lady tells the nurse at a maternity hospital, "I want to call my little baby Ellie."
Nurse replies, "I'm sorry, but that name is already taken, perhaps you can consider naming her Ellie532 or Ellie_153?"

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Geek jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Baby Jokes Nurse jokes

A pregnant lady learns from her dentist that she needs a root canal.
She says to the dentist, "dаrn ... I'd just as soon give birth as have a root canal".
The dentist replies, "well, make up your mind so I know what position to put the chair in".

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Dentist Jokes Jokes about Women Medical and Doctor Jokes Baby Jokes Communication Jokes