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A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts it, she is his for the night. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying it is from the gentleman at a nearby table. She looks at the the man, then at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants." The man, after reading this note, sends another note to her. It read: "Just so you will know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage, plus I have over twenty-million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my diск. Just send the wine back."
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that Statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
Don't mess with Old People.
An elderly woman walked into the main branch of Chase Manhattan Bank building holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the 3 million dollars she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the President of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the large amount of money involved.
The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and, after opening the bag and seeing the bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted to $3 million, he phoned the President to make the appointment for the woman.
The woman was escorted upstairs to the President's office. Introductions were made and she said that she liked to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank President then asked how did she come into such a large sum of money.
"Was it an inheritance?" he asked.
"No" she answered
"Was it from playing the Stock Market?" he inquired.
"No", She replied
He was quiet for a moment, trying to figure out how the elderly lady came into such a large sum of money.
"I won it by betting" she stated.
"As in horses?"
"No", she replied, "I bet on people."
Seeing his confusion, she explained that she would bet on different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10 o'clock tomorrow morning your ваlls will be square."
The bank President figured that she must be off her rocker and decided to taker her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the day, he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances, since there was $25,000 at stake.
When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference in his scrotal appearance. He looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the woman to come in at 10 o'clock, humming as he went. He knew, this would be a lucky day-how often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?
At 10 o'clock sharp the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. Then the bank President asked what the other man was doing in the office with her, and she explained to the President that he was her Lawyer and she always took him along on bets when large sums of money was at stake.
"Well", she asked, "What about our bet?"
"I don't know how to tell you this", he answered with a smile, "But I'm the same as I've always have been, only $25,000 richer."
The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The bank President thought that this was a reasonable request and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over, and she grabbed a hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. His ваlls were not square.
The bank President then looked up and saw the Lawyer standing across the room ваnging his head against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?", he asked.
"Oh, him", She answered, "I bet him $100,000 that by 10:30 this morning I'd have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the ваlls."
A little old lady went to the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money.
She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.
She replied, "$165,000" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your ваlls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a sтuрid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my ваlls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 A.M. as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his ваlls, turning from side to side, again and again.
He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his ваlls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 A.M., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office.
She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet" "$25,000 says the president's ваlls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.
The president complied.
The little old lady peered closely at his ваlls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly ваnging his head against the wall.
The president asked the old lady, "What the hеll's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 A.M. today, I'd have the Bank of Canada's president's ваlls in my hand."
One of the best examples of how ridiculous government paperwork can be is illustrated by a recent case in Louisiana. A company president was trying to buy some land in Louisiana for a plant expansion, and he wanted to finance this new facility with a government loan.
His lawyer filled out all the necessary forms, including the abstract---tracing the title to the land back to 1803. The government reviewed his application and abstract and sent the following reply:
'We received today your letter enclosing application for your client supported by abstract of title. We have observed, however, that you have not traced the title previous to 1803, and before final approval, it will be necessary that the title be traced previous to that year. Yours truly.'
As a result, the lawyer sent the following letter to the government:
'Gentlemen, your letter regarding title received. I note you wish title to be claimed back further than I have done it.
'I was unaware that any educated man failed to know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803. The title of the land was acquired by France by right of conquest of Spain. The land came into possession of Spain in 1492 by right of discovery by a Spanish-Portugese sailor named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by Queen Isabella.
'The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about title, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope of Rome upon Columbus' voyage before she sold her jewels to help him.
'Now the Pope, as you know, is the emissary of Jesus Сhrisт, who is the Son of God. And God made the world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to assume that He also made that part of the United States called Louisiana, and I now hope you're satisfied.'
Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer
Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"
After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of вееr and some сhiрs.
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hеll she could know you from.
If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."