Christmas Jokes

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If IBM ran Christmas...
They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time.
If Microsoft ran Christmas...
Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well. You wouldn't have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the first ornament that uses the colors red/green together. It would interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them. Most everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the other tree types wouldn't work with their hooks.
If Apple ran Christmas...
It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier, and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course).
If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas...
Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be prettier than most all the others. Options would be available for 'equalization' of color combinations on the tree.
If Dell ran Christmas...
Wait a minute? Isn't IBM running this Christmas..?
If Fisher Price ran Christmas...
"Baby's First Ornament" would have a hand-crank that you turn to hang the thing on the tree.
If The Rand Corporation ran Christmas...
The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black cubes. Christmas morning there would be presents for everyone, but no one would know what they were. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and be located at the North Pole. Blueprints for ornaments would be highly classified government documents. X-Files would have an episode about them.
If the NSA ran Christmas...
Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of national security.
If DEC ran Christmas...
We used to have Christmas back in the '70s, didn't we?
If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas...
They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which is put in your attic on the weekend after Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the day after the January Bowl Games.
If Sony ran Christmas...
Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely larger than an ornament and flat, would allow you to celebrate the season with a device attached conveniently to your belt.
If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas...
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted item from an authentic Civil War pewter ornament collection. Each ornament would weight about seven pounds, and require you to pay shipping and handling charges.
If Cray ran Christmas...
The holiday season would cost $16 million but would be celebrated faster than any other holiday during the year.
If Thinking Machines ran Christmas...
You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on your tree (all identical) at the same time.
If Timex ran Christmas...
The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal driven, and would let you take a licking and keep on shopping.
If Radio Shack ran Christmas...
The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about them or what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own tree.
If University of Waterloo ran Christmas...
They would immediately change the name to WatMas.
Christmas Jokes Thanksgiving Jokes
1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: it's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She's a lawyer.
3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.
4. Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids. Bad: Your wife can't find her birth control pills. Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.
5. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than your wife.
6. Good: You give the 'birds and bees' talk to your 10 year old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.
7. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It's another man. Ugly: He's your best friend.
8. Good: Your 15 year old daughter got a new job Bad: As a hоокеr. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Very Ugly: She makes more money than you do.
Lawyer Jokes Christmas Jokes
It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a scrooge) Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye."
Christmas Jokes Aviation Jokes
A young Irish man called Раddy wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Donegal and he lived in Kerry .
Paddy consulted with his Sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality Gloves would strike the right note... not too Romantic and not too Personal.
Off he went with his Sister to Marks and Spencer’s and they selected a dainty pair of Fur Lined quality, Leather Gloves.
Paddy's sister bought a Pair of Sеxy Knickers for herself at the same time.
Marks and Spencer’s had a "Free Gift Wrap Offer" on as it was Xmas. But the Shop Assistant mixed up the Two Items, the Sister got the Gloves and Раddy unknowingly, got the Knickers.
Good old Раddy, sent off his Gift Wrapped Present in a parcel with the following Letter.
Dear Maggie,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any, when we go out in the Evenings. If it had not been for my Sister, I would have chosen the Long Ones with the Buttons, but she wears Shorter Ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the Lady I bought them from, showed me the Pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any Marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little Bit Tight on Her.
She also said that they Rub against her Ring, which helps keep it Clean. In fact she hasn't needed to Wash It, since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other Hands will Touch them, before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to вlоw into them a little bit, because they will be naturally a little Damp from Wearing.??
Just imagine how many times my Lips will Kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will Wear them for me on our Next Date.??
All my love,
Patrick.
*
P.S. My Mum tells me that the latest Style. Is to wear them folded down, with a little Bit of Fur showing.
Sex Jokes Men jokes Christmas Jokes
A young teacher explains to her class of third graders that she is a born-again Christian.
She asks the class if any of them are born-again Christians too.
Not really knowing what it means to be born-again, but wanting to please and impress their teacher, many little hands suddenly shot up into the air.
There's just one girl who doesn't raise her hand.
So the teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
The girl says, "Because I'm not a Christian."
The teacher asks, "So what are you then? "
The girl replies, "I'm an atheist."
The teacher's a little perturbed now, her face slightly red.
She asks the girl why she's an atheist.
The girl says, "It's just that my family isn't religious. My Mom's atheist, and my Dad's atheist, so I'm atheist."rnrnThe teacher is now angry. "
That's no reason." she says loudly.
"What if your Mom was a моrоn, and your Dad was a моrоn. What would you be then?"
"Then," says the girl, "I'd be a born-again Christian."
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