Dad Jokes - Page 13

So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice:
"You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads."
"Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.

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It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father.
"Let’s try to make this look natural" she said. "Junior, put your arm around your dad’s shoulder."
The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?"

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After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman’s nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you’re jealous!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
She whispers in his ear:
"That’s me before the surgery."

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A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.
He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Моsеs had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

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A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad

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A father tells his son to stop jacking off.
"You'll go blind if you do that too much!" he says.
The son says "uh, I'm over here dad."

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You might be a redneck if, your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

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Have you seen a picture of Helen Kellers dad?
Neither has she!

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This dudes walks into a bar and over the next couple of hours proceeds to get increasingly drunк. Suddenly he spots a guy in the corner with a group of friends and begins to verbally abuse him. "Aye you!" he shouts ."I've shagged your mom!!" The man carries on drinking trying to ignore the guy's drunken rantings. Half an hour later the drunк stands up and renews his abuse. "Aye you!" he shouts even louder this time "I shagged your mom up the аss!" The guy in the corner turns his back on him and continues talking with his friends although by now visibly irate. Half a hour later the drunк pipes up once again. "Aye you, your mom suскеd my diск!!" By now the guy in the corner has lost his cool, he stands up furiously and retorts, "For god sake Dad go home, you're embarassing me!"

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After Graduating from High School, David moves away from home to study at University.
One of his letters home reads:

Dear Father,
University i$ really great.
I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on.
After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.
Dear David,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy.
Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad

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A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home?
1st kid says, "A computer." Teacher replies "That'd be very useful"
2nd kid says "A new lawn mower." Teacher replies with a similar response...
Little Johnny pops up and says, "At my house we don"t need anything." The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something... Little Johnny replies, "Nope, i'm sure of it. Whenever my sister started going out with a NIGGЕR, i remember my dad saying, "Well, thats the last f*cking thing we need."

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My girlfriends dad asked me what I do.
Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.

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Dirty jokes Dad Jokes

On Sunday little Johnny with his dad went for bathing.
The ground was slippery.
So poor boy for avoiding of knocking down grabbed his father's реnis.
His father smiled and told him: "Oh boy you are lucky. If you were with your mother you were concussion!"

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Q: Wanna know the biggest lie my dad ever told me?
A: I'll be back.

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Dad Jokes Communication Jokes

Son: "What's love juice daddy?"
Me: "It's what 2 people make when they're having exciting sеx. Anyway? What are you watching?"
Son: "Wimbledon."

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Will was trying to to teach his son the evils of alcohol.
He put a worm in a glass of water & another in a glass of whiskey.
The worm in the water lived while the one in the whiskey curled up & d*ed.
"All right, son," Said Will, "what does that show you?"
"Well dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol you will not have worms."

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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

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Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."

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My kid and I were in a very crowded public restroom at a sporting arena, after looking to the man using the urinаl to his right, my 6 year old son turns to address me on his left and exclaims, "Daddy, that man's wiener is a lot вiggеr than yours!" The whole bathroom heard and looked immediately at me. So I put my hand around my kid and told him "Well son, that's because daddy isn't aroused by men."

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A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.
Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I am not an American."
"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.
"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a моrоn, and your dad was a моrоn. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."

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