Dad Jokes - Page 14

Two boys were talking and the one said to the other, "There is a easy way to get what you want."
The other boy said, "How?" the boy replied, "Tell people you know their secret."
The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, "I know your secret!"
The dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10."
The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!"
The mom said, "Please don't tell your dad here's $15."
The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, "I know your secret!"
The mail man opened his arms and said, "Come, give your dad a hug!"

43 0

Son:
"Dad, there is someone at the door to collect donations for a community swimming pool."
Father:
"Okay, give him a glass of water."

0 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Dad Jokes

A boy asks his dad, “What’s the difference between potential and realistic?” The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money sweetheart. I could send you, your sister, and your brother to great colleges, so sure, I would!” He then goes and asks his sister to which she replies, “Brad Pitt? Неll ya, he’s the hottest guy ever!” Next, the boy asks his brother who replies, “A million dollars? Неll yes I would. I’d be rich!” When the boy excitedly returns to his dad with the family’s responses, the dad says, “Well son, potentially, we have three million dollars. Realistically, we have two sluтs and a quееr.”

8 0

Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dad Jokes Sexist Jokes

Wife:
"In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring."
Husband:
"I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill."

2 0

Marriage and Family Jokes Relationship Jokes Dad Jokes

On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork for a long time and asked his dad, "Why doesn't the stork recognize me?"

0 0

Kids Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Dad Jokes

Dad:
"Can I see your report card, son?"
Son:
"I don't have it."
Dad:
"Why?"
Son:
"I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents."

22 0

Friendship Jokes School Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dad Jokes

A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college. Halfway through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.
He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education isdeveloping! They actually have a program here in College Station that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says."I'll get him in the course."
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home."So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks. "
Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue into that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of theyear, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read... so he shootsthe dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited."Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing' around with that young lady who lives in town?"
The father exclaimed,"I hope you shot that son of a вiтсh before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer and then went into politics.

70 0

Lawyer Jokes News and Politics Jokes Money jokes Animal Jokes Dad Jokes Australia Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes Dog jokes

Three kids were smoking behind the shed.
"My dad can вlоw smoke through his nose!" boasted the first.
"Ha, mine can вlоw smoke through this ears!" countered the second boy.
"That’s nothing," piped up the third. "My dad can вlоw smoke through his аrsе. I know,‘cos I’ve seen the nicotine stains on his undiеs."

28 0

Dad Jokes Kids Jokes Drug Jokes Fart Jokes

Q: What's the difference between a black guy and a white guy?
A: A white guy can say "Hey Dad" and "Good morning officer".

24 0

Dad Jokes Office and Work Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Police Officer Jokes Communication Jokes Black People Jokes White people jokes

On Thanksgiving day, a little boy overhears his mom and dad fighting. He hears his mom call his dad a ваsтаrd and hears his dad call his mom a вiтсh. He asks, "Mommy, what does ваsтаrd mean?" She answers, "Um, it means boy." Then he asks, "Daddy, what does вiтсh mean?" He says, "Uh, it means girl." Later that day, the boy sees his father in the bathroom shaving; the dad accidentally cuts himself and says, "Sh*t." The son asks, "What does that mean?" The dad says, "It means shaving cream." Then he sees his mom in the kitchen carving the turkey; she accidentally cuts herself and says, "F*ck." The son asks her what that word means and she says, "It means carving." That evening, the family's guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. The son opens the door to welcome them and says, "Welcome вiтсhеs and ваsтаrds! My dad is in the bathroom rubbing sh*t on his face and my mom is in the kitchen f*cking the turkey."

1 0

Dad Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Thanksgiving Jokes Holiday Jokes

Dad: A bird told me that you were doing drugs
Son: Obviously you're the one doing drugs if you think a bird told you that...

0 0

Dad Jokes

My Mom + My Dad - Соndом = Coolest Person Ever

0 0

Dad Jokes One-Liner Jokes

Here is an explanation of the school homework policy for the average student.
Students should not spend more than ninety minutes per night.
This time should be budgeted in the following manner if the student desires to achieve moderate to good grades in his/her classes.
15 minutes looking for assignment.
11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.
23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.
8 minutes in the bathroom.
10 minutes getting a snack.
7 minutes checking the TV Guide.
6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.
10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.

23 0

Dad Jokes Technology Jokes School Jokes Friendship Jokes Student jokes

Dad tries to persuade his son to eat the egg he has prepared for him:
"Eat your egg my child to become as big as daddy!"
"I do not want," says the little one.
"Eat it my boy to become strong and powerful."
"I’m telling you, no!" insists the youngest.
"My dear son eat your egg to make your bird grow."
And the mom from the inside "George, you eat the egg… I’ll make burgers for the kid!"

30 0

Dad Jokes Kids Jokes Food Jokes Animal Jokes Dirty jokes

Michael J Fox has a small one. Arnold Schwarzenegger has a long one. Nuns dont have one. The pope has one but doesn't use it. Your dad has one but you mom uses it as well.
What is it? It's a last name of course.

0 0

Dad Jokes Dirty jokes

me: dad, can I have some money for some coke?
dad: yeah sure. is $300 enough? it was expensive in my day
me: the drink, dad...
dad:......right.

0 0

Dad Jokes Money jokes

Little Johnny likes to gamble.
One day, his dad gets a new job, so his family has to move to a new city.
Johnny's dad thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."
He calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow, but he likes to gamble, so you'll have to keep an eye on him."
The teacher says, "Okay," because she can handle it.
The next day, Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."
She says, "Yes, I know who you are."
Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you $10 you've got a mole on your вuтт."
The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem, so she takes him up on the bet.
She pulls her pants down, shows him her вuтт, and there is no mole.
That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost $10 to the teacher and explains why.
His dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your вuтт and he lost."
The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."
Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your аss before the day was over."

0 0

Dad Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Little Johnny Jokes School Jokes

A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!"
"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."

20 0

Dad Jokes Money jokes College jokes Banker Jokes

A scoutmaster asked one of his troop what good deed he had done for the day.
"Well, Skip," said the scout, "Dad had only one bottle of вееr left, so I let my baby brother have it."

19 0

Dad Jokes Kids Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Baby Jokes Beer Jokes

There is nothing fun about a funeral, but despite that, I had a good laugh at the following reaction by my two children.
We, along with a bunch of other relatives, were following the hearse of my late great aunt.
When my daughter, who always tends to focus on the morbid things in life raised the dreaded question, "Dad, what's going to happen to us when you die?"
My son who was busy texting one of his friends at the time barely glanced up from his phone.
"We'll go in the limousine duммy."

68 0

Dad Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Funeral jokes Sick and Death Jokes Phone jokes