Dark Humor - Page 11

A guy dies whilst making love to his wife.
A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?"
The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his аrsе!"
The undertaker does as he is told.
On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It fuскing hurts doesn't it!"

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Doctor to Patient: " Don’t worry about your heart. It will function as long as you live."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Dark Humor Jokes

A Liberal died and a friend went around collecting for a fund for his funeral. A woman was asked to donate ten dollars.
"Ten dollars?" she said.
"It only takes ten dollars to bury a Liberal? Here's a hundred - go bury 10 of them!"

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While we were working at a men's clothing store, a customer asked my coworker to help her pick out a tie that would make her husband's blue eyes stand out.
"Ma'am," he explained, "any tie will make blue eyes stand out if you tie it tight enough."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Office and Work Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Customer service jokes Beauty Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

"Doctor, please, my son ate some cement. What can I do?"
"First of all, don't give him anything to drink."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Kids Jokes Dark Humor Jokes

I was walking through the cemetery the other day when a thought crossed my mind.
Call me a sentimental old fool if you like, but I couldn't resist it.
I texted my ex saying 'wish you were here'.

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Dark Humor Jokes Old People Jokes Relationship Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Morbid jokes

An old couple is at a fair an the old man sees a helicopter ride for $50. The old man asks his wife, "I don't have much time left. Can I take I ride in one of them helicopters?"
His wife responds, "Oh well that's way too expensive."
The man running the helicopter rides as a pilot hears their conversation and makes them a deal.
"Hey, I'll take you on a ride for free, but you can't make one sound. If you do, then you have to pay $50." says the pilot.
The couple climbs in the helicopter.
The pilot takes off and does awesome tricks with the helicopter.
The couple never made a sound.
The pilot lands the helicopter and says, "Wow, impressive, usually people make so much noise on these rides."
The old man says, "Well, I almost made a noise when my wife fell out of the helicopter, but these rides are too expensive."

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I'm so broke, I don't even get excited when I find money because I'm sure I owe it to someone.

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Money jokes Dark Humor Jokes

It's a slow day in heaven, so St. Peter decides to show a new guy around. St. Peter shows him all of the sights: the golf course, library, observation deck, cafeteria and a huge room full of clocks.
"What's up with those clocks, Peter?"
"Everyone on Earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left.
When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the gates to be judged."
The guy notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others.
St. Peter tells him that every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds up his clock.
The guy notices one clock in the center of the ceiling with both hands whirling around at an unbelievable rate.
"What's the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies.
That's George W. Bush's clock. We decided to use it as a fаn."

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Political Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Golf jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes American Presidents Humor

So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods.
Boy "Hey mister its getting dark out and I'm scared."
Man "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone."

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Dark Humor Jokes Men jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

A blonde hops on and off a curb on a busy street, saying 54 over and over.
A brunette walks by and asks what the blonde is doing.
The blonde replies that she is jumping on and off the curb saying 54 over and over.
The brunette joins her.
Soon, the brunette gets hit by a passing car.
The blonde watches as the car drives away.
The blond then continues to jump on and off the curb, saying 55 over and over.

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Blonde Jokes Car and driving jokes Dark Humor Jokes Communication Jokes

Join the Army, meet some fascinating people, then кill them.

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Military Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A guy is late to meet with his friends at the local bar the friends obviously ask why he is late and he responds:
"Wow, you won't believe what just happened. So I take the usual route via the rail tracks and suddenly I see a young, nакеd woman tied up next to the tracks."
The friends are curious and ask: "Well, what happened next?"
The guy says: "Of course I untied her and we had sеx because I freed her."
The friends are cheering and one friend asks: "Soo... did you get any head?"
The guy says: "No, I couldn't find it..."

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Dark Humor Jokes Jokes about Women Gross Jokes Sex Jokes Friendship Jokes Morbid jokes

There was an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman working on the top of a cliff. The Englishman said, "If I have cheese in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off this cliff."
The Scotsman said, "If I have jam in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff."
The Irishman said, "If I have ham tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff."
The next day, the Englishman had cheese, the Irishman had ham, and the Scotsman had jam. So they all jumped.
At the funerals, the wives of the Scotsman and Englishman said, "Why didn't they just tell us they didn't like their sandwiches?"
The Irish lady said, "I don't know why my husband jumped off the cliff. He made his own sandwiches."

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Funeral jokes Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Ethnic and Racial Jokes Scottish Jokes

A man answers the telephone to find a doctor from the hospital's emergency room on the other end.
"Sir," explains the doctor, "Your wife was in a serious car accident. I have bad news and good news."
The man, taken back, asks hesitatntly, "What's the bad news?"
"The bad news is your wife has lost all use of both arms and both legs. She will likely be on a respirator for the rest of her life."
"Heavens, Doc, what's the good news?"
The doctor replies, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

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Dark Humor Jokes News and Politics Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes

Patient: “Doctor, Doctor… I can’t stop stealing things”.
Doctor: “Take these pills for a week. If that doesn’t work, I’ll have a color TV”.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Office and Work Jokes Dark Humor Jokes

I'll never understand how you can come up second in a biathlon.
I mean – you've got a gun, haven't you?

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Sports Jokes Dark Humor Jokes

Benefits of having Alzheimer's:
You can wrap your own presents.
You are always meeting new friends.

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Dark Humor Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Friendship Jokes

Two children, Johnny and Alex were sitting outside a clinic.
Alex was crying very loudly.
Johnny: Why are you crying?
Alex: I came here for a blood test.
Johnny: So? Are you afraid?
Alex: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
After hearing this Johnny started weeping making Alex feel surprised as well as curious and Alex asked: Why are you crying now?
Johnny: I came for a urinе test!

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Dark Humor Jokes

A Serb and an Albanian from Kosovo found a lamp, rubbed it and the Ginnie showed up in front of them.
"I will grant you three wishes for setting me free out of this lamp. But, since there are two of you, one can have two wishes and the other only one".
A Serb said: "I am very modest, I'll have one wish. Let my Albanian friend have two".
"What is your first wish?", the Ginnie asked Albanian.
"I wish that there are no Serbs in Kosovo at all any more".
"Done", said the Ginnie.
" What is your second wish?"
"I wish that whole of Kosovo is surrounded with high wall, so no more Serbs can return ever again".
" Done", said the Ginnie.
"Now you", sad the Ginnie to a Serb, "What is that you wish?".
A Serb was thinking for a moment, than asked the Ginnie: "Are there realy no more Serbs in Kosovo at all?".
"That's right", said the Ginnie.
"And whole of Kosovo is surrounded with high wall?", a Serb asked again.
"It certainly is. All around. Not even a fly could enter it now", the Ginnie replied.
Then Serb said: "OK, now fill it up with water""

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