Doctor's jokes, Health Jokes, Medical joke

I gave up my seat to a blind person in the bus.
That is how I lost my job as a bus driver.

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My doctor told me that “1 out of 3 people who start smoking will eventually die.”
The other two apparently become immortal.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Masturbation jokes

'My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''

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One-Liner Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Life Jokes

Why did the computer get cold?
Because it forgot to close windows.

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Computer Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

Mr. Wilson comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck. "I have great news. I’m a month overdue. I think we’re going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can’t tell anybody.”
The next day, Mrs. Wilson receives a telephone call from AEC (Atlanta Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid.
“Am I speaking to Mrs. Wilson?”
“Yes. Speaking.”
AEC guy, “You’re a month overdue, you know!”
“How do YOU know?” stammers the young woman.
“Well, ma’am, it’s in our files!” says the AEC guy.
“What are you saying? It’s in your files. HOW?”
“Yes. We have a system of finding out who’s overdue.”
“GOD! This is too much.”
“Madam, I am sorry. I am following orders. I have to inform you are overdue.”
“I know that. Let me talk to my husband about this tonight. He will speak to your company tomorrow.”
That night, she tells her husband about the call, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to AEC office the next day morning.
“What’s going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?” the husband shouts.
“Just calm down,” says the lady at the reception at AEC, “It’s nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.”
“PAY you? And if I refuse?”
“Well, in that case, sir, we’d have no option but to cut yours off.”
“And what would my wife do then?” the husband asks.
“I don’t know. I guess she’d have to use a candle.

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes News and Politics Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dirty jokes Baby Jokes Phone jokes

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever
come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the вrеаsтs of a eighteen year old."
"Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old аss?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

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Jokes about Women Insult Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Relationship Jokes

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
"Nine..."

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News and Politics Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
"A doctor?"
"And why's that?"
"Because it's the only profession where you can tell women to take off their clothes and then stick their husbands with the bill."

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Kids Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine. The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better." The husband says he can't feel anything. Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he sill can't feel anything. The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can't feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her. The baby is born. The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Sex Jokes Relationship Jokes

10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions. 9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote.8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him. 7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself. 6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing. 4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools. 3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden. 2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!" 1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

When Chuck Norris gets a shot, the doctor says to the needle,"now this is going to hurt"

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Chuck Norris Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test.
The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?"
"274," was his reply.
The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday," replies the second man.
The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"
"Nine," says the third man.
"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"
"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes Math Jokes

Three doctors are out geese-hunting. A gaggle flies over and the oncologist raises and then lowers his gun. "I better conduct an MRI first to determine if those were really geese." Some more geese fly by & the endocrinologist raises his gun and then lowers it. "I'll need some bloodwork to conduct an A1C and determine what those birds were first." Some more geese fly over. The trauma doc raises his shotgun and blows them out of the sky. "What were those things, anyway?" he asks.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Sports Jokes Science jokes

There's a medical term for those who willingly defy Chuck Norris... оrgаn donors.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

How did the tugboat get AIDS?
It was rear-ended by a ferry.

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Dark Humor Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

A medical student is driving home on a narrow country road in the middle of the night after his shift in the hospital.
The weather is terrible.
It's raining cats and dogs.
Suddenly a motorbike is screaming by with very high speed.
"Jesus Crhist! What an idiот! He will crash if he doesn't slow down!"
A few minutes later he spotted in his headlights on the side of the road the torn up motorbike against a big tree.
He stopped and quickly jumped out of his car to see in he can give first aid.
But it's to late.
The biker is already dead.
He looked around if there is anyone around. Nobody to see.
The student thouhgt "This is the oppertunity to finally obtain a real human eye!"
He always carryrna spoon and a glass eye in his pocket for an opperunity like this.
He quickly removes the left eye and places the glass eye in the socket.
One quick look around and he jumps in his car and races off.
The next morning when he wakes up he turned on the tv and watches the news.
It said:
"Biker found dead on country road with 2 glass eyes."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes School Jokes News and Politics Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes Cyclist Humor

A man goes to the doctor about the size if his реnis.
He says to the doctor "My реnis is too small."
Doctor gives the man some medicine, says "Drink this everytime you bump into something your реnis will grow an inch."
So the man thanks the doctor and leaves.
He drinks the medicine on his way home he bumps into a lampot so his реnis grew an inch.
Just a little further down the road he bumps into an Indian guy.
A thousand apologies, he реnis grows one thousand inches, baffled by his extra long реnis he decides to paint it red, hite and blue, and wrapped it round his neck, he decides to go to the cinema, he was watching a dirтy movie, sat on the top of the row of seats, all of a sudden this voice comes on the speaker.
"Can the man with the red white and blue scarf stop chucking ice cream to the people below?"

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Dirty jokes Gross Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Cowboys and Indians Jokes

A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rестаl thermometer. "Oh, dамn it," he proclaims, "Some аsshоlе has my pen!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Office and Work Jokes

What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?
An elephant with diarrhea.

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Animal Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Elephant jokes