Fitness jokes - Page 3

Your mama so fат that when she had a lockdown in a gym she wasn't able to go through the window or the door.

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Q: Why did the bodybuilder buy tape from the hardware store?
A: Somebody told him he was ripped!

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Fitness jokes Computer Jokes Communication Jokes

I heard that the missionary position helps men to work out the chest and triceps... do you wanna help me verify this?

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Fitness jokes Sex Jokes Flirt jokes

At the gym:
Me: "What does this machine do?"
"Sir, that's a bench."
Me: "Perfect."

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Fitness jokes Stupid Jokes

I do two hours of cardio every day.
But I still need to find the closest parking spot to the gym.

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Car and driving jokes Fitness jokes

Q: What do you say to a bodybuilding соw farmer?
A: Show us your calves!

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Fitness jokes Animal Jokes

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head. He passes the first woman, who looks down at his реnis. "He's not my husband," she says. He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his реnis. "He's not my husband either." He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Fitness jokes

I just saw some idiот at the gym...
He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill!

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One-Liner Jokes Fitness jokes

An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted an attractive young lady.
He asked a nearby trainer, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try the ATM in the lobby.

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Men vs Women Jokes One-Liner Jokes Fitness jokes

A rabbi, priest, and a preacher meet every Monday in a coffee shop to talk things over about their spiritual life.
One day, the priest makes a bet with the other guys that he could convert a bear in the woods over to his religion. The others nod and say "Yeah, I'll bet we could do it quicker than you could!"
So they all agree that the next time they meet, they'll share stories about how they were able to convert a bear.
They all end up in the hospital, but the priest is in the best shape of all of them. They decide to meet in the rabbi's room. The priest has his arm in a sling and says, "Yeah, it was tough at first, but I was able to dash it with some holy water. The next thing I know, it started saying Hail Mary. He's coming to mass this Sunday."
The other two clergymen nod in approval, and the preacher goes next. The preacher is in pretty bad shape. He's in a wheel chair, and he has a concussion, a broken leg, and a broken arm. He says "Well, when I finally happened upon it, I wrestled that thing to the ground and started beating its head with a Bible. So he lunges at me and we tumble down this hill into the river where I dunked him seven times. Finally, he came to the faith. He'll be coming to church next Sunday."
Both men turn to the rabbi to hear his story. The rabbi looks like he got the worst of it. He's in a body cast and there's no way he's getting out of bed any time soon. He looks at both men and says "Well, I probably should've started with something different than circumcision...."

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Religion jokes Monday jokes Priest Jokes Coffee Jokes Fitness jokes

This guy named "John" asked advice how to lose extra LBS gained during vacation and was told about some new fitness center.
So John went to check it out.
Walked in, put $10 on the counter and said: "I'd like to lose 10 LBS please?!"
The receptionist smiled and pointed to a pink door.
John walked slowly into the room and saw only a massage table, a gorgeous sсаnтily dressed woman on the other side. She said in a sеxy voice "If you catch me, you fuск me! " John ran around n round, caught her and...
A few days later John returned. He put $20 on the counter and said "I'd like to lose 20 LBS. The smiling receptionist and pointed to a red door. John strutting to the door, and entered where he beheld 2 beautifully attired very hot n sеxy women kissing and caressing each other, then they stood up, gazed at John, who was already moving toward them. And they purred "you catch us, you fuск us!"
Already in motion, John ran round n round caught one, then caught the other...
The following week John went back again.
He smiled while searching for the door he knew was waiting for him, and slapped $50 on the counter saying excitedly "50 LBS for 50 bucks."
The receptionist pointed to a black door.
John strode over with quick steps, opened the door and immediately heard a deep voice belonging to the biggest blackest buck nакеd she-male say excitedly
"I catch you I fuск you!"

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Sex Jokes Jokes about Women Money jokes Vulgar jokes Fitness jokes

Q: Why was the farmer arrested at the gym?
A: He was destroying his calves.

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Fitness jokes Animal Jokes

Q: Why wasn't the bodybuilder evicted?
A: Because he was squatting.

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Fitness jokes

One morning, while she was making breakfast, the local fitness freak walked up to his wife, pinched her on the вuм and said, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
This was a bit over the limit, but she controlled herself and replied with silence.
Next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the вrеаsт.
"You know love if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bras."
That was too far over the limit.
She rolled over and grabbed him by the реnis.
Maintaining a vice grip, she whispered in his ear, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the pool man, the gardener and your brother."

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Dirty jokes Sports Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Fitness jokes

A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelop containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life. A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelop in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelop he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergyman's sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelop, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others. By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelop I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Lawyer Jokes Fitness jokes

A blonde came home from school one day and said to her mom, "I can count higher then all the kids in my second grade class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?"
Her mother replied, "Of couse it is, dear."
The next day, the blonde said, "I can say the alphabet higher then anyone in my class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?"
Her mother replied, "Of course it is dear!"
The next day the blonde came home from her gymnastics and asked her mother, "I have вiggеr вrеаsтs then all the kids in my class, do you think its because I am a blonde?"
Her mother replied, "No dear, I'm sorry, I think it is because you are eighteen years old."

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Blonde Jokes School Jokes Fitness jokes

Just been to the gym and there's a new machine.
Only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick.
Its good though, it does everything 'Kitkats, Mars bars, Snickers and crisps'!

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Fitness jokes Food Jokes Fat Jokes

She said "Gym or me". Sometimes I miss her.

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Sports Jokes Jokes about Women Fitness jokes

A colleague was planning a trip to my business office and asked if I could find him a hotel with exercise facilities. I called several hotels, with no luck. Finally, I thought I had found one.
I asked the receptionist if the hotel had a weight room.
"No," she replied, "but we have a lobby and you can wait there."

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Fitness jokes Office and Work Jokes Customer service jokes Hotel Jokes

At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35.
Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41.
Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.
So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate.
Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program."

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Aviation Jokes Sports Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Fitness jokes