Fitness jokes

An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted an attractive young lady.
He asked a nearby trainer, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try the ATM in the lobby.

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I just saw some idiот at the gym...
He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill!

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One-Liner Jokes Fitness jokes

The only exercise I have done this month... is running out of money.

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Fitness jokes Money jokes

Strong people don't put other people down.
They lift them up and slam them to the ground for maximum impact.

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Life Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Fitness jokes

Came out the gym the other day and cop asked me how I got that body.
I said, "I don't know officer, I just opened the trunk and there she was"

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Office and Work Jokes Car and driving jokes Dark Humor Jokes Police Officer Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Fitness jokes

Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline.
If you'd like to lose a half pound right now, press "1" 18,000 times.

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Fitness jokes Phone jokes Diet and Weight Loss Jokes

A colleague was planning a trip to my business office and asked if I could find him a hotel with exercise facilities. I called several hotels, with no luck. Finally, I thought I had found one.
I asked the receptionist if the hotel had a weight room.
"No," she replied, "but we have a lobby and you can wait there."

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Fitness jokes Office and Work Jokes Customer service jokes Hotel Jokes

I quit my gym this morning because one of the instructors started shouting at me:
"Come on man, you've got to want it! Come on push. You can do it."
I hate being disturbed when I'm having a dump.

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Fitness jokes Communication Jokes

My six pack is protected by a layer of fат.

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Fitness jokes

A rabbi, priest, and a preacher meet every Monday in a coffee shop to talk things over about their spiritual life.
One day, the priest makes a bet with the other guys that he could convert a bear in the woods over to his religion. The others nod and say "Yeah, I'll bet we could do it quicker than you could!"
So they all agree that the next time they meet, they'll share stories about how they were able to convert a bear.
They all end up in the hospital, but the priest is in the best shape of all of them. They decide to meet in the rabbi's room. The priest has his arm in a sling and says, "Yeah, it was tough at first, but I was able to dash it with some holy water. The next thing I know, it started saying Hail Mary. He's coming to mass this Sunday."
The other two clergymen nod in approval, and the preacher goes next. The preacher is in pretty bad shape. He's in a wheel chair, and he has a concussion, a broken leg, and a broken arm. He says "Well, when I finally happened upon it, I wrestled that thing to the ground and started beating its head with a Bible. So he lunges at me and we tumble down this hill into the river where I dunked him seven times. Finally, he came to the faith. He'll be coming to church next Sunday."
Both men turn to the rabbi to hear his story. The rabbi looks like he got the worst of it. He's in a body cast and there's no way he's getting out of bed any time soon. He looks at both men and says "Well, I probably should've started with something different than circumcision...."

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Religion jokes Monday jokes Priest Jokes Coffee Jokes Fitness jokes

A blonde came home from school one day and said to her mom, "I can count higher then all the kids in my second grade class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?"
Her mother replied, "Of couse it is, dear."
The next day, the blonde said, "I can say the alphabet higher then anyone in my class, do you think it is because I am a blonde?"
Her mother replied, "Of course it is dear!"
The next day the blonde came home from her gymnastics and asked her mother, "I have вiggеr вrеаsтs then all the kids in my class, do you think its because I am a blonde?"
Her mother replied, "No dear, I'm sorry, I think it is because you are eighteen years old."

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Blonde Jokes School Jokes Fitness jokes

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head. He passes the first woman, who looks down at his реnis. "He's not my husband," she says. He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his реnis. "He's not my husband either." He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Fitness jokes

At the gym:
Me: "What does this machine do?"
"Sir, that's a bench."
Me: "Perfect."

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Fitness jokes Stupid Jokes

Hi, I see that you're new to this gym, and I wanna be the first male to bother you.

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Fitness jokes Men jokes Flirt jokes

Your mama so fат that when she had a lockdown in a gym she wasn't able to go through the window or the door.

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Yo Momma Jokes Fitness jokes

Work emails are like the gym.
You sign up for it thinking it will be loads of fun.
You get bored of it within hours.
You only keep going to keep up your reputation.
The more you stay away, the harder it is to go back.

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Office and Work Jokes Communication Jokes Fitness jokes

I wish this gym had a stationary bike built for two.

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Fitness jokes Sports Jokes Flirt jokes

I heard that the missionary position helps men to work out the chest and triceps... do you wanna help me verify this?

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Fitness jokes Sex Jokes Flirt jokes

If you really want to loosen your pectineus, you should skip the squats and let me stretch them out.

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Fitness jokes Flirt jokes

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.
He called for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman.
He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die.
At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."
All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows.
Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this.
The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one.
I only put $20,000 in the coffin."
The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either.
Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient.
I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."
The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

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Money jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Lawyer Jokes Sick and Death Jokes Fitness jokes