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A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie.
The Mexican is stunned.
The Genie says,"Hello Master,I will grant you one wish, anything you want."
The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila." Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me рее tequila."
The Genie grants him his wish.
When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear...looks like tequila. Then smells the liquid...smells like tequila. So he takes a taste, and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.
The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!"
She comes running down the hall, and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is tequila.
Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.
The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two glasses. The result is the same. The tequila is excellent, and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.
Finally, Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife, "Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.
The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"
Pancho raises the glass and says, "BECAUSE TONIGHT, MI AMOR, YOU DRINK FROM THE BOTTLE."
ARRIBA!!!!!!! ARRIBA!!!!!!!!
You can never tell which way the train went by lookingat the track.
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrongconclusion with confidence.
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damnfool discovers something which either abolishes thesystem or expands it beyond recognition.
Technology is dominated by those who manage what theydo not understand.
If builders built buildings the way programmers wroteprograms, then the first woodpecker that came alongwould destroy civilization.
The opulence of the front office decor varies inverselywith the fundamental solvency of the firm.
The attention span of a computer is only as long as itelectrical cord.
An expert is one who knows more and more about less andless until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universeand he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet painton it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
All's well that ends.
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept andthe hours are lost.
The first myth of management is that it exists.
A failure will not appear till a unit has passed finalinspection.
New systems generate new problems.
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires acomputer.
We don't know one millionth of one percent aboutanything.
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishablefrom magic.
A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20men working 20 years make.
The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach acrashed state.
Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss puttingin an honest day's work.
Some people manage by the book, even though they don'tknow who wrote the book or even what book.
The primary function of the design engineer is to makethings difficult for the fabricator and impossible forthe serviceman.
To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job willtake the longest and cost the most.
After all is said and done, a hеll of a lot more is saidthan done.
Any circuit design must contain at least one part which isobsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three partswhich are still under development.
A complex system that works is invariably found to haveevolved from a simple system that works.
If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, trymultiplying by the page number.
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even moreunreliable. Any system which depends on humanreliability is unreliable.
Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down thatmight go into a "Pearl Harbor File."
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions ofpressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and othervariables the organism will do as it dамn well pleases.
If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the oddsthat the competition already has the order.
In designing any type of construction, no overall dimen-sion can be totaled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. Thecorrect total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. onMonday.
Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where ititches.
All things are possible except skiing through a revolvingdoor.
The only perfect science is hind-sight.
Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.
If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrongthe one that will cause the most damage will be the oneto go wrong.
Everything that goes up must come down.
Any instrument when dropped will roll into the leastaccessible corner.
Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicatedway.
Build a system that even a fool can use and only a foolwill want to use it.
The degree of technical competence is inverselyproportional to the level of management.
Any attempt to print Murphy's laws will jam the printer.
Some 'Senior' personal ads seen in 'The Villages'' Florida newspapers:
(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)
FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.Matching white shoes andbelt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation.If you are the silent type, let's get together,take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosserto share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock,still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair,many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.
On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.
The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.
So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong ваlls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong ваlls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.
The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black ваlls?"
Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"
A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in hеll. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to himself "I know I led a wild life but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this." Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hеll. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed? Guy: Well, what do you think? I'm in hеll.Counselor: Неll's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?Guy: Sure, I love to drink.Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, ruм, tequila, вееr, whatever you want and as much a you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do. Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs?Guy: Well in my younger days I experimented a little.Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble? Guy: Oh yes, I like to gamble.Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night -- black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gаy? Guy: Well, no I'm not.Counselor: Oh [grimaces], you're gonna hate Fridays...
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that Statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
Don't mess with Old People.
A business man got on an elevator.when he entered,there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright ,"t-g-i-f"
He smiled at her and replied,"s-h-i-t"
She looked puzzled,and repeated,"t-g-i-f".
More slowly he answered,"s-h-i-t"
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly,so,she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly,"t-g-i-f"
The man smiled back to her and once again"s-h-i-t".
The exasperated blonde decided to explain what "t-g-i-f" means "thank goodness it`s friday",get it duuhhh?
The man answered"s-h-i-t" means "sorry honey it`s thursday."
Taipei, Taiwan (AP) - Diners tempted to liск a plate after a delicious meal can now go a step further - eat the plate.
Chen Liang-erh, 50, an amateur inventor, announced Friday that he had perfected an edible plate made from wheat grain, and that he planned to mass-produce it and other edible crockery including cups, bowls and food containers.
Chen spent six years developing the plate, which he said would retail at about 7 cents each.
Diners who don't want to eat the items - which taste like unsalted popcorn - can boil them for a nutritious meal for animals, he said.
Chen said this can help reduce pollution caused by discarded crockery. The only disadvantage, he said, is his crockery cannot be washed and reused.
It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).
The 1997 nominees are:
NOMINEE No.1: [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
NOMINEE No.2 [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, of Alamo,Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what. police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Bums hung underneath so that he could asthe source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."
NOMINEE No.3 [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson. 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
NOMINEE No.4 [UIPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto Skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.
NOMINEE No.5 [Bloomburg News Service] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage(and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut, up in his, near airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.
NOMINEE No..6 [The News of the Weird.] Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a мurdеr conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. Whilst sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.
NOMINEE NO.7["The. Indianapolis Star"] A cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion - Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriffs investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
NOMINEE No.8 lAP, St. Louis] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store; paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.
NOMINEE No.9 [Unknown] To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
NOMINEE No.10 [Associated Press, Kincaid] Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party. A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tougue state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D.Payne. Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, 'I'II show you how to set it off."
Yet Another Darwin award candidate - or pair of candidates -- this just might be the winner!