Life Jokes - Page 3

Boss: "This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?"
Me: "That it's only Wednesday."

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A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening.
They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.
The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave.
Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house.
They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird.
The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in.
The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.
The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty.
She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon.
"He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away.
"Sтuрid hag was hiding under the bed
Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.
But it worked.
I hauled her fат вuтт downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

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Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Fat Jokes Life Jokes

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

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Priest Jokes Life Jokes Priest Jokes

Teeth says to tongue: if I just press a little, you'll get cut.
Tongue replies: if i misuse a single word, all 32 of you will come out.

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Dentist Jokes Single People Jokes Life Jokes

Diplomacy is the art of saying, "Nice Doggy", until your sniреr gets the range.

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Military Jokes Life Jokes

At a all-you-can-eat restaurant Josh came back to the table, his plate full for the fifth time.
“Josh!” exclaimed his mother.
“Doesn’t it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?”
“Not a bit,” said Josh, “I just tell them I’m filling up the plate for you!”

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Little Johnny Jokes Life Jokes Restaurant Jokes

A young lad went to a tailor shop in Scotland.
He told the tailor, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here, and if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings."
A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop.
"Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of material left over. Take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."
The lad rushed home and donned his kilt.
He decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase.
Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to wear his underwear.
When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "Well, what'd ye think?"
"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.
"Aye, and if ye like it, y'ell really like what's underneath," he bragged as he lifted his kilt.
"Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.
Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on, he exclaimed quite proudly, "Aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"

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Life Jokes

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
‘Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have cancer. So, let’s head to the club and have a martini.’
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, ‘I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS.’ The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, ‘Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??’
‘Because I don’t want any of those вiтсhеs sleeping with your father after I’m gone.’.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Jokes about Women News and Politics Jokes Friendship Jokes Life Jokes

A professor was walking along a very narrow street when he came face to face with a rival professor.
The street was too narrow for two to pass.
The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily: "I never make way for fools!"
Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said: "I always do."

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Life Jokes

Coworker: Can you help me with this project?
Me: The short answer is no.
Coworker: What's the long answer?
Me: Nooooooo.

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Office and Work Jokes Life Jokes

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching pоrn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what pоrn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale...

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Friendship Jokes Dad Jokes Life Jokes

A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was immediately transported to the hospital.
While she was in surgery she had a supernatural, near death experience.
She met God and asked him: "Has my time come?"
He answered: "No, you have 43 years, 2 months and 8 more days to live."
After she recovered, the woman decided to stay in hospital and do plastic surgery on her face, liposuction, вrеаsт еnlаrgемеnт and abdominal fат removal.
She also called a hair stylist to change her hairstyle and an orthodontist to perform a ‘teeth lifting’.
She figured, if she had so much time in front of her, she should live the best way possible.
After her last plastic surgery and not until she has recovered, she wore a new dress with matching heels, left the hospital, went across the street and an ambulance run over her…
While crossing the gates to heaven, she reached God and demanded to know what happened: "You told me I had 43 more years! Why didn’t you save me from the ambulance?"
And he answered: "I didn’t recognize you."

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God Jokes Jokes about Women Fat Jokes Life Jokes

Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat. The government hates competition.

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Political Jokes One-Liner Jokes Life Jokes

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a store opened next door with a huge sign that said, BEST DEALS!” To make things worse, another store opened on the other side with a huge sign reading “LOWEST PRICES!”
He nearly panicked until he had the idea to put up his own sign, вiggеr that the other two, that read, “MAIN ENTRANCE.”

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Life Jokes

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.

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Office and Work Jokes Life Jokes

A sixty-four-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong.
Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-two-year-old woman."
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand, every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me оrаl sеx, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love."
He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him.
"I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you sitting here on this park bench crying?"
The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

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Old People Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Relationship Jokes Life Jokes

The best way to make somebody remember you is to borrow money from them.

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Money jokes Life Jokes

Somebody knocks on door:
Who is there?
Police?
What do you want?
We want to talk.
How many of you are there?
Two.
So talk with each other.

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Police Officer Jokes Life Jokes

An archaeologist in Egypt was taking a walk in the town square one morning. He had to get back to the hotel for a meeting but had forgotten his wristwatch.
He was walking by an old man sitting on a low stool by his camel and asked if he knew the time.
The old man slowly reached over and pushed the camel's testicles to one side and then released them, letting them swing to a stop.
"10:27" he said.
The archaeologist was stunned as he had never seen someone tell time like that before.
He rushed back to the hotel to find his colleagues and then brought them back to the town square to find the old man.
Having found him again, the archaeologist said, "I will give you this $50 bill if you'll show me how you tell time.
The old man pocketed the $50 bill and said, "OK, kneel down here with me and put your head close to mine. Now swing the camel's testicles out of the way. Now, can you see the clock on that building over there?"

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Men jokes Life Jokes Hotel Jokes

How many mex icans does it take to build...... Oh shiт, They're done!

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Office and Work Jokes Mexican jokes Life Jokes