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Life Jokes

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I hate is when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their moustache and suddenly...
she's not your friend anymore
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Friendship Jokes Life Jokes
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says:
''You're crazy.''
The man says,
''I want a second opinion!''
''O.K., you're ugly, too!''
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Η δεύτερη γνώμη! Психиатъра ми ми каза, че съм луда. Жена отива на лекар и той й казва: Doctor: You're obese. Un señor va al médico porque se encuentra muy mal. Tras una exploración, el doctor le comenta: Mrs. Jones goes to the doctor for a full medical. After an hour or so, the doctor looks at Mrs. Jones and says the following: "Mrs. Jones, overall you are very healthy for a 45 year old. There is however, only one problem. You are 40 pounds overweight and bordering on obese. I would strongly... Vous avez un cancer du foie et c'est incurable. - Docteur, comme vous y allez, j'aimerais avoir un deuxième avis. - En plus, vous êtes moche. Depois de avaliar os exames de seu paciente o médico lhe dá uma notícia nada boa: — Lamento informar mas o senhor tem poucos meses de vida! — Não! não! Eu quero uma segunda opinião! — Então tá:... Arzt: "Sie sind stark übergewichtig." Patient: "Uff. Da hätte ich gern eine zweite Meinung." Arzt: „Hässlich sind Sie auch.“ - Κύριε μου, είστε υπερτασικός. - Γιατρέ μου μπορώ να έχω και μια δεύτερη γνώμη ? - Βεβαίως! Είστε και άσχημος. El médico le dice a su paciente: Señor, lamento decirle que usted tiene un cáncer terminal. El paciente indignado le responde: No puede ser, exijo una segunda opinión. El médico amablemente le... Er komt een man bij de dokter. Hij voelt zich zo rottig. De dokter onderzoekt hem en komt tot de conclusie dat de man geen drie weken meer heeft te leven. De man is eerst nogal beduusd, maar zegt... A patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor to get treatment for it. Doctor: Your tonsils have to come out. Patient: I wanna second opinion. Doctor: Okay, you're ugly, too. Un tip se duce la doctor să afle ce e în neregulă cu el. - Problema dumneavoastră este că sunteţi gras, îi spuse doctorul. - Aş vrea şi o a doua opinie, spuse tipul. - Bine, sunteţi şi urât, îi... My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, “OK, you’re ugly too.” I went to see my doctor, and he told me I was overweight. I said, "I want a second opinion." He said, "Alright. You're ugly." - Rodney Dangerfield
Medical and Doctor Jokes Life Jokes
A diner complained, "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!"
His waiter replied, "That's entirely possible; our cook used to be a tailor."
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Food Jokes Life Jokes
Q: What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
A: "Make me one with everything."
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God Jokes Religion jokes Life Jokes Dog jokes
- A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.
- You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.
- You won't get arrested for picking up coffee on the street at 3 a.m.
- You can make coffee as sweet as you want.
- You can get cup after cup of different coffees all day long.
- No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
- Coffee doesn't talk to you.
- Most coffee is hot, unless you request it otherwise.
- Coffee stains are easier to remove.
- Coffee is ready in 10 minutes or less.
- When coffee gets cold, you can throw it away.
- When you drink coffee, you don't end up with a рuве in the back of your throat.
- Coffee doesn't take up half your bed and all the hot water.
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Insult Jokes Jokes about Women Life Jokes Coffee Jokes
Why don't you slip into something comfortable…like a coma.
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Insult Jokes Life Jokes
Q: What do you call a woman with no a**hole?
A: Divorced.
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Marriage and Family Jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes Life Jokes
What do LifeSavers do that men can't?
Come in 5 flavors!
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Men vs Women Jokes Gross Jokes Men jokes Life Jokes
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
Job opening!
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News and Politics Jokes Office and Work Jokes Life Jokes
How are politicians like diapers?
You have to change them both often, and for the same reason.
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Причина Пелените и политиците трябва да бъдат сменяни често Политиците и памперсите си приличат по това, че трябва да се сменят редовно. «Политики и подгузники должны меняться часто и по одной и той же причине» Was ist der Unterschied zwischen Windeln und Politikern? Windeln und Politiker müssen regelmäßig gewechselt werden. Aus dem gleichen Grund. Політики і підгузники схожі тим, що і тих і інших потрібно регулярно міняти. Причому з однакової причини! Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. Politiker und Windeln haben eine Sache gemeinsam. Beide werden häufiger gewechselt und zwar aus demselben Grund. José Maria de Eça de Queiroz Was haben Windeln und Politiker gemeinsam? Beide sollten regelmäßig gewechselt werden und zwar aus den selben Gründen. Politycy są jak pieluchy: trzeba ich często wymieniać, z tego samego powodu. Kas kopīgs Deputātiem un autiņbiksītēm? Abi bieži jāmaina un Viena un tā paša iemesla dēļ…
News and Politics Jokes Political Jokes Life Jokes
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
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Partying and Bad Behavior Jokes Jokes about Women Sex Jokes Light bulb jokes Life Jokes What's The Difference Jokes Pregnancy Jokes
Q: Why didn't the skeleton go skydiving?
A: It didn't have the guts.
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Sports Jokes Gross Jokes Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road Jokes Banker Jokes Life Jokes
Q: What does the baker have under his apron?
A: Dough nuts.
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Office and Work Jokes Life Jokes
Q: What do a lawyer and a sреrм have in common?
A: Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.
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Τι κοινό έχουν οι δικηγόροι και τα σπερματοζωάρια Was unterscheidet Rechtsanwälte von Sperma? Von 5 Millionen Spermien hat wenigstens eines die Chance, ein anständiger Mensch zu werden. Каква е приликата между сперматозоидите и адвокатите? Един на милион има шанса да стане човек Was haben Männer und Spermien gemeinsam? Beide haben eine Chance von 1 zu 1 Million, ein Mensch zu werden. Quel est le point commun entre un avocat et un spermatozoïde ? - Tous les deux ont une chance sur trois millions de devenir un jour un être humain. Quelle est la ressemblance entre les hommes et les spermatozoïdes ? De tant de millions, il n'y en a qu'un qui sert. Hvad er ligheden mellem en sædcelle og en mand? - Kun en ud af en million bliver til noget ... Hvad har mænd og sædceller til fælles? – Der er 1:1000000 chance for, de udvikler sig til mennesker Mitä yhteistä on miehellä ja siittiöllä? Kummankin todennäköisyys kasvaa aikuiseksi on yksi miljoonasta. Mitä yhteistä on spermalla ja asianajajalla? - Molemmissa tapauksissa yksi miljoonasta voi tulla ihmisiseksi
Office and Work Jokes Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes Lawyer Jokes Life Jokes
Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops?
A: Kick him in the аss.
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Office and Work Jokes Life Jokes
I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity.
I can’t put it down.
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Science jokes One-Liner Jokes Life Jokes
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs.
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Use to be we had Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, and Steven Jobs. Amerikkalainen kertoi suomalaiselle kotimaastaan: - We have Bill Clinton, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Suomalainen kertoi vuorostaan amerikkalaiselle: - We have Martti Ahtisaari, no hope and no cash.
Life Jokes
I never do the same mistake twice.
I do it six or seven times, just to be sure.
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Life Jokes
What did the blanket say to the bed?
No fears, I've got you covered!
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Kids Jokes Food Jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes Life Jokes
You know you're ugly when you get handed the camera every time they make a group photo.
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Разбираш, че си грозен, ако всеки път те карат да държиш камерата на груповите снимки
Dark Humor Jokes Life Jokes Ugly Jokes
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