Marriage and Family Jokes

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С жена ми имаме малка тайна за здраво семейство. Два пъти седмично ходим на хубав ресторант с хубава храна и хубаво вино. Letztens hat mich ein Bekannter gefragt, warum meine Ehe nach so langen Jahren noch immer so gut läuft. Ich hab geantwortet: "Weil wir noch zweimal pro Woche Sex haben. Ich dienstags, und meine... Mi esposa y yo tenemos el secreto para un matrimonio feliz: Dos veces a la semana vamos a un restaurante y disfrutamos de una rica comida y un buen vino. Ella va los martes y yo, los viernes Mi esposa y yo tenemos secretos para que dure el matrimonio: Dos veces a la semana, vamos a un agradable restaurant, un poquito de vino, buena comida y buena compañía. Ella va los martes yo voy los... "Hvad er hemmeligheden ved jeres lange og lykkelige ægteskab?" "Min kone og jeg går ud og får en romantisk middag en gang om ugen." "Nå, hvor går i hen?" "Tja, jeg går på italiensk restaurant, men... Mellem venner: - Hvordan holder du og din kone jeres ægteskab sammen? - Vi går ud og spiser to gange om ugen på en lille restaurant med god mad og vin. - Det må jeg nok sige. - Ja, min kone spiser... The secret to a long marriage is that we take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes on Tuesdays. I go on Fridays. Rozmawia dwóch kolegów. - Ja mam z żoną super sposób na szczęśliwe pożycie małżeńskie. - Jaki? - Dwa razy w tygodniu chodzimy do przytulnej restauracji, Trochę wina, dobre jedzenie, później... Mi ketten a feleségemmel tudjuk, mi a hosszú házasság titka. Minden héten kétszer elmegyünk egy kellemes étterembe. Egy kis bor, jó ételek, kellemes társaság. Ő kedden megy, én szombaton. Külön...
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A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3 AM.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door.
It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunк.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost, it's 3 AM. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunк." says the husband.
"It doesn't matter." says the wife.
"He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."
ТРИ ЧАСА ПРЕЗ НОЩТА. El borracho necesita que le empujen Βοήθεια!! Κούνιες. Κάποιος να με σπρώξει Три часа през нощта. Мъж и жена спят. Изведнъж на вратата се звъни. Мъжът псувайки става и отива да отвори. На вратата стои някакво пиянде яко наквасен: Три часа ночи. Au début de la nuit un couple vient de se coucher. Un quart d'heure après, on sonne très fort à la porte.  Le mari se lève à demi endormi et ouvre la porte. Il voit un type, visiblement bourré, qui lui dit : - Salut! J'ai besoin qu'on me pousse. Sois sympa, viens me pousser! Allez, s'il te plaît,... As três horas da manhã, a mulher acorda o marido: — Benhê, estão batendo à porta. Vai ver o que é... O sujeito vai atender e ao abrir a porta, dá de cara com um bêbado: — Será que dá para você dar... Eran las 3:00am, habia un terrible aguacero y un borracho gritaba: - Alguien que me empuje!!!!!!!!. Una señora escucha y levanta al marido: - Amor, ve y ayuda a ese pobre señor, que de seguro se le... Mitten in der Nacht klopft es an der der Haustür bei Herrn Schmidt. Er geht die Treppe runter und öffnet die Tür. Vor ihm steht ein beunruhigter Mann und sagt: "Mein Auto springt nicht an und ich...
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Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hоокеr. She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says:
“Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”
She says, “A hundred dollars.”
He says, “All I got is thirty”.
She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?”
“A hand job”, Harry reply.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job.
He agrees.
She gets in the car.
He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE...
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.”
She runs back to Harry, and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”
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Грижи и проблеми Скъпи,когато се оженим,ще деля с теб всички твои тревоги и проблеми - Дорогой, когда мы поженимся, я буду делить с тобой все твои тревоги и заботы. - Скъпи, когато се оженим, аз ще споделям с теб всичките си проблеми и страдания. - Querido, cuando nos casemos, compartiré contigo todas tus desgracias y problemas. - ¡Pero si no tengo! - He dicho 'después' de que nos casemos. Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden. Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles. Girl: Well that's... - Любий, коли ми одружимося, я буду ділити з тобою всі твої турботи й хвилювання… - Але, кохана, у мене немає ніяких хвилювань і турбот! - Я ж говорю - коли ми одружимося. Bir gün iki sevgili konuşuyormuş: Kız:hayatım evlendiğimizde sıkıntılarını ve dertlerini benimle paylaşmalısın. Oğlan:ama canım benim en ufak bir derdim ya da sıkıntım yokki. Kız:aşkım daha...
Marriage and Family Jokes
Според статистиката, женените мъже живеят по-дълго от ергените. Женените мъже живеят по-дълго от неженените. Verheiratete Männer leben länger als unverheiratete, aber sie sind viel eher bereit zu sterben. They say that married men live the longest. It's ironic, since they're the ones most willing to die.
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You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base.
They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.
The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy.
They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again.
Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...
Only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
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On his Birthday, a man named Peter was really upset because none of his family members or near and dear ones wished him.
As he walked into his office, his secretary Anna said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
He felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered.
In the lunch time Anna knocked on his door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your Birthday, why don't we go out for lunch, just you and me."
Peter happily agreed
They had their lunch but on the way back to the office, Anna said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't have to go right back to the office, do we?"
Peter replied "I suppose not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's go to my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Anna said, "Boss if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok."
He nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes; she came out carrying a huge birthday cake...
Followed by his wife, his kids, and dozens of his friends, and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".
And Peter just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked!
Двама шефове си говорят. Секретарка Γιατί απέλυσα τη γραμματέα μου! Миналата седмица беше рождения ми ден. Ho licenziato la mia giovane e bella segretaria, ora vi spiego perché. La settimana scorsa era il mio compleanno, raggiungevo una soglia importante, i 50 anni ed avevo un po' di pensieri che mi frullavano per la testa. Insomma, in poche parole ero un po' giù di corda. Mi ha rincuorato l'idea del... Warum ich meine Sekretärin feuerte... Vor zwei Wochen hatte ich meinen 45. Geburtstag und fühlte mich ohnehin nicht sehr wohl. Ich ging zum Frühstück. Meine Frau sagte nicht einmal "Guten Morgen", schon gar nicht "Alles Gute". Die Kinder sagten auch kein Wort und ließen mich völlig links... Era meu aniversário. Acordei todo contente esperando os cumprimentos de minha esposa e nem sequer um bom dia recebi. Veio então meu filho do quarto e a mesma coisa! Minha mãe nem ao menos me telefonou. Fui para o trabalho e minha secretária veio... Hoy es el día de mi cumpleaños ... Mis padres, mi esposa y mis hijos no me felicitaron. Fui al trabajo, llegando allí, mis colegas actuaron como si fuera un día normal y tampoco me felicitaron.... Pourquoi j'ai congédié ma secrétaire Je me suis réveillé ce matin-là où je venais d'avoir 40 ans. Je ne me sentais pas très bien. J'espérais que ma femme me souhaite un joyeux anniversaire. Mais... Perché ho licenziato la segretaria. Due settimane fa, in occasione del mio 45esimo compleanno, non mi sentivo troppo su. Scendo giu' per la colazione, sapendo che mia moglie sarebbe stata carina... Dlaczego zwolniłem swoją sekretarkę? - Posłuchaj! Dwa tygodnie temu były moje urodziny, ale jakby tego nikt nie zauważył. Miałem nadzieję, że rano przy śniadaniu żona złoży mi życzenia. Może nawet... Bir işadamı birkaç gün önce sekreterini kovmuştu, yeni bir sekreter aramaktaydı. Bir arkadaşı, sekreterini neden kovduğunu sorunca anlatmaya başladı: – İki hafta önce 48. yaş günümdü ve o sabah... Jeg vågnede om morgenen den dag jeg fyldte 32 år. Jeg havde det ikke så godt, men håbede at min kone ville ønske mig tillykke med dagen. Til min store skuffelse sagde hun ikke engang godmorgen. Ved...
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Две млади жени излезли от бара в четири през нощта, пияни като талпи. Två väninnor var ute på en "tjejkväll", båda lyckligt gifta, trofasta och exemplariska fruar. Denna kväll blev det en aning för många Bacardi Breezer och när de var på väg hem, extremt berusade,... Det var två fruar som hade varit ute och roat sig. På vägen hem kom det oundvikliga när man dricker mycket, de blev "kissnödiga". De såg sig om efter någonstans att göra det de måste, och fick syn... Two women on their way back from a night out stop in a graveyard for a piss. One wipes her fanny with her knickers, and the other uses a wreath of flowers. Their two husbands were in the pub the...
Marriage and Family Jokes Jokes about Women Dirty jokes Friendship Jokes Phone jokes
Извинете, дали сте вие таткото на моето дете? Supermarket стоит мужик в магазине в очереди и тут обращает внимание на очень... Виждам в опашката пред касата една страхотна блондинка Мужик стоит в очереди в кассу в супермаркете. Ein Typ steht in der Schlange im Supermarkt, als ihm eine scharfe Blondine etwas weiter hinten, freundlich zuwinkt und anlächelt. Er kann sein Glück nicht fassen und fragt sie: Un gaillard fait la file à la caisse de son supermarché quand il remarque qu'une petite blonde canon lui fait signe de la main et lui sourit. Il s'adresse à elle et dit gentiment : " Excusez-moi, est-ce que je vous connais? " Un homme au supermarché se rend compte qu'une blonde canon lui fait signe de la main. Tout content, l'homme s'approche et demande : "Excuse me," he says to her, "do we know each other?" "Sure," she answers, "one of my children is yours!" The guy confused, thinks and suddenly remembers the only time he cheated his wife. So he asks her: "Were you that stripper invited at a bachelor party at the suburbs last spring and we ended... Um cara está na fila do caixa no supermercado quando uma morena escultural lhe acena com a mão e lança um sorriso daqueles. Ele deixa por momentos o carrinho das compras na fila, dirige-se à morena... Jos staat in de rij van de supermarkt met achter hem een knappe blondine. Wanneer hij zich omdraait, glimlacht ze lief naar hem en steekt ze haar hand op als begroeting. Verbaast vraagt hij aan... En läcker blondin vinkar till mannen, han tycker att han känner igen henne. - Känner jag dig? frågar han. - Om inte jag tar fel så är du far till ett av mina barn? Han börjar fundera på den enda... Kender jeg dig? En lækker blond kvinde vinker til manden, der synes han har set hende før. - Kender jeg dig, spørger han og får svaret: - Hvis jeg ikke tager fejl er du far til et af mine børn. Han... Chlap stojí v supermarketu ve frontě u pokladny, když si všimne, že na něj opodál mává blondýna a mile se usmívá. Docela se diví, že zrovna k němu by se hlásila taková kočka. Přesto jde k ní a aniž... La chica del oxxo Un tipo está en la fila de la caja de un OXXO, cuando una rubia escultural lo saluda agitando la mano, y le lanza una de aquellas sonrisas estremecedoras... El tipo mira hacia los... Facet poszedł do supermarketu i zauważył, że atrakcyjna kobieta wodzi za nim wzrokiem. Podszedł do niej, a ona powitała go ciepło. Był zaskoczony, bo nie mógł sobie przypomnieć skąd ją zna. - Czy...
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Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance. Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her вrеаsтs at maturity of a 12 years old.
He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.
“I too have a problem. My реnis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.”
She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant реnis.”
Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one
another.
As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room!
Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, “You told me your реnis was the size of an infant!”
“Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!”
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