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Marriage and Family Jokes
There was this man who had a dog.
Every Sunday morning at 4:30 AM the man and the dog would go fishing.
One day, the man fell in love and got married.
After the wedding, when the man and the woman got in bed together, the man turned to the woman.
"Tomorrow is Sunday and every Sunday morning, me and my dog go fishing at 4:30 AM. We'd like you to come along."
"And what if I don't want to come along?" the woman asked impatiently.
"Well then, sweetie, we'll just have to have buttsex."
With that, the man rolled over and fell asleep, and left the woman pondering.
"God, I hate having the buttsex, but I also hate getting up so early. I'll have to think about this more."
In the morning, the woman could hear the man going downstairs to get the dog.
It was much too early for the woman to get up so she decided to wait for the inevitable buttsex.
She waited for about half an hour and fell back asleep, thinking her husband had left already.
She awoke to the man, pulling on her arm.
"Have you made your decision?" he asked
"Yes," she replied. "I do not want to go fishing."
True to his word, the man pulled down his pants.
"By the way, what took you so long to come upstairs? It usually doesn't take that long to get Sparky up."
"I know," the man said. "He didn't want to go either."
A man walks into a bar one night.
He goes up to the bar and asks for a вееr.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One penny?!", exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied: "Yes!"
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks: "Could I have a nice juicy T-воnе steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly, sir", replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?", inquires the guy.
"Four cents", he replies.
"Four cents?!", exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies: "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says: "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies: "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"
She said, "I'd love to be ten again."
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park.
He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear.
She had a go on every ride there was.
She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.
Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.
At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"
One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!"
A couple goes to Mexico City on vacation and eats at a famous local restaurant.
The waiter tells them they have a delicious special every Sunday, so the couple orders the special.
With great fanfare, the waiter brings out a large silver serving platter with two huge steaming rounds of meat, juices dripping.
It smells delicious and tastes even better.
The couple is delighted with their meal, and the husband asks the waiter what fabulous meat was in the dish.
"Senor," he explains, "each Saturday night, we have the bullfights, and that was the bull's ваlls you ate."
The couple is a bit taken aback by what they have just eaten, but it was delicious, so they get over it.
Six months later, the couple returns to Mexico City and decides to go to the same restaurant.
Feeling adventuresome, they order the same dish.
Once again, with great fanfare, the waiter brings out the huge silver serving dish and places it on the table.
But this time, there are two tiny pieces of meat, barely enough for one.
The man says, "Excuse me, but the last time we were here and ordered this dish, it was huge, more than enough for two. Why is this portion so small?"
The waiter smiles and replies, "Well, you see, senor, sometimes the bull wins!"
The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Joe from
boasting to Manny about his sеxuаl endurance.
"Three times," gasped Manny admiringly. "How'd you do it?" "It was easy."
Joe looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap.
When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put it to her again.
Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I'll tell you." "I gotta try it," said Manny. "Lorraine won't believe it's happening."
So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten-minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep.
He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him.
"What's up, Boss?" he asked. "I've been working for you for twenty years and never been late once.
You aren't going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you?"
"What twenty minutes?" growled the boss.
"Where were you on Tuesday and Wednesday?"
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?'
'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf.'
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator."
Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style.
She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you.
Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.
Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?"
"And so, here we are!"