Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

Top 3 situations that require witnesses:
1. Crimes
2. Accidents
3. Marriages
Need I say more?

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Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says, "I hear that you’ve been telling people that I’m ugly!"
"Oh NO! I’ve just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive."
"I also heard that you’ve been calling me fат?"
"Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are."
"I’ve also heard that you’re saying that my husband has a wart on his diск!"
"Oh NO! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his diск!"

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Friendship Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes Fat Jokes Ugly Jokes Coffee Jokes

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I... I... didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't," said his wife, consolingly. "I did!"

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Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Blonde Jokes

"Anton, do you think I'm a bad mother?"
"My name is Paul."

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Parent Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

An eminent doctor successfully attended a sick child.
A few days later, the grateful mother called on the physician.
After expressing her realization of the fact that his services had been of a sort that could not be fully paid for, she continued:
"But I hope you will accept as a token from me this purse which I myself have embroidered."
The physician replied very coldly to the effect that the fees of the physician must be paid in money, not merely in gratitude, and he added: "Presents maintain friendship: they do not maintain a family."
"What is your fee?" the woman inquired.
"Two hundred dollars," was the answer.
The woman opened the purse, and took from it five $100 bills.
She put back three, handed two to the discomfited physician, then took her departure.

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Friendship Jokes Jokes about Women Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

A married couple was walking down the street when an alien spacecraft landed in front of them.
A married alien couple walked out and said, "Hello, earthlings, we come in peace. We are scientists from the planet GRUDO-X and we want you to tell us all about your planet."
So they talked for hours, until they came to the subject of sеx.
The humans told the aliens how humans have sеx and the aliens were in shock!
It was very similar to the way the aliens did it.
The men in the group decided to have a little experiment with switching wives for a night.
When the human woman saw the alien man undress, she immediately laughed at his "thing."
The alien looked down and said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot."
And he hit his head twice and "it" grew at least two feet.
The woman said "Wow! That's impressive, but I could snap that thing if I wanted to."
So the alien pulled his ears twice and it expanded. The two had the greatest sеx of their lives.
The next morning the human man came for his wife and asked, "How was it?"
The wife replied, "Great!"
The man said, "Well, for some strange reason thealien woman kept jumping on me, pulling my ears and hitting me on the head, screaming, "It's broken! It's broken!"

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Alien Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Science jokes

It isn’t premarital sеx if you have no intention of getting married.

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Sex Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

Our baby was born last week.
When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
When the kids are in college.

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Parent Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes College jokes Baby Jokes

One morning, while she was making breakfast, the local fitness freak walked up to his wife, pinched her on the вuм and said, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
This was a bit over the limit, but she controlled herself and replied with silence.
Next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the вrеаsт.
"You know love if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bras."
That was too far over the limit.
She rolled over and grabbed him by the реnis.
Maintaining a vice grip, she whispered in his ear, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the pool man, the gardener and your brother."

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Dirty jokes Sports Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Fitness jokes

*BOOM*
Mum shouts: "What was that?"
Me: "My coat fell."
Mum: "It sounded a lot heavier than that!"
Me: "I was in it."

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Kids Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday evening just as they have done for the past 50 years.
Gus, the elder, had been having problems remembering what cards were what, and usually needed help from his wife.
At the end of the card game Red said to Gus, "You did very good tonight. You didn't need any help at all. Why is that?"
Gus replied, "Why, ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, I haven't had any problems at all."
"Memory school? What memory school?"
Gus thought for a moment, "Oh, what's that flower that's red with thorns? A really pretty flower..."
"A rose?" asked Red.
"Yeah, that's it!"
Gus turned to his wife and mumbled, "Hey, Rose! What's the name of that memory school you sent me to?"

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Old People Jokes School Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Superhero Jokes

Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Love Jokes

A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.
"If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.
But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it.
This is my position, and I will not compromise."

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Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes USA Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Political Jokes New year jokes Tax jokes

H - "Hello?"
W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
H - "Yes."
W - "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
H - "What's the price?"
W - "Only $1,500.00."
H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models.
I saw one I really liked.
I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
H-"What price did he quote you?"
W - "Only $60,000..."
H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."
H - "What?"
W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year.
It's on sale!!
Remember?
The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property."
H - "How much are they asking?"
W - "Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
H - "Bye...I love u too..."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

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Political Jokes Money jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Beauty Jokes Phone jokes BMW jokes Banker Jokes

A drunк guy took a cat home to his wife and said: "See... here is the a monkey of the jungle."
His wife said laughing, "That's a CAT ..."
He said back to his wife, "I am talking to the cat!"

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Pet Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Little Johnny's new baby brother is screaming up a storm. He asks his mom, "Where'd we get him?"
His mother replies, "He came from Heaven, Johnny." Johnny says, "Wow! I can see why they threw him out!"

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Kids Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Baby Jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes

Get bad marks, relatives will insult you.
Get good marks, friends will insult you.

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Friendship Jokes School Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Insult Jokes

My nephew told me when he grows up, he wants to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer.
I need to tell my bro to do a better job at hiding his роrn.

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Sex Jokes

My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.

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Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes

Nurse: "If youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half."
Me: [visibly confused]
Wife: "The grapes, not the baby."

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Nurse jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Kids Jokes Baby Jokes